Page 181 of If You Give an Artist a Killer Muse

“I’m tired of being your dirty little secret,” Briar pokes me harshly against my chest. “I don’t give a shit if your stepdad knows you’re with me and if he finds out who I’m associated with. I. Don’t. Care. I just want you, Rurik.”

I can only shake my head. I can’t listen to this… I can’t. I know a part of me is being fucking irrational, and I want to listen to what she’s saying so I can tell her I agree.

But I can’t.

I feel like there’s a death grip in my body, and it’s not just my heart that is bad. I feel rigid, frozen in place. I can’t even fucking speak.

So I just stare at her.

She stares back, pushing herself away from me for a few inches, and breathes heavily. She looks away, swallowing hard. Her face twists into a look of uncertainty and desperation.

“Rurik, I don’t think you understand how much I’ve come to really care about you. I mean, really, really care about you.”

She blinks and glances back at me.

“I have these overwhelming feelings when it comes to you, and sometimes it’s hard for me to sort them out and label what they are, but I care about you, Rurik. I can’t… I hate being kept in the dark when it’s day out and only having you at night. I hate waking up alone and pretending we’re nothing to each other whenever we come across in public; I hate it. I fucking can’t stand it, Rurik. I thought I could wait for you, but it’s getting harder each night we spend time together.”

She inhales deeply to catch her breath and continues. “Like I said, I don’t care if your family knows about us. I only care about you.”

Like a fucking, useless idiot, I just stare at her. Again.

Why can’t I repeat the exact damn words out loud?!

Yes, I fucking care about you, too.

You’re right.

I’m scared.

I’m a fucking coward.

I hurt you.

Help me do better.

I look away from those wide eyes because if I keep staring back, I know I’ll just fall on my knees before her and beg her to do whatever she wants.

But I fucking can’t.

As I lie to her, I focus on a piece of gum stuck on the floor because it’s easier. “You only feel those things because we’re just having fun, Briar. Don’t be such a girl and let feelings get in the way. We’re just physical, remember? That was part of the rules we set.”

“Rules,” she half whispers and half spits out. “Your so-called rules and boundaries.”

“Yes,” This time, I look at her again. “Do I need to remind you what some of them are? We are not friends, and we do not have any sort of relationship other than being fuck buddies.”

But she throws her head back and laughs, shaking her head and almost looking sorry for me. “Angel, you are so deep into your bullshit that you actually believe them.”

She steps closer to me, her lips brushing against my jaw.

“I know you have feelings for me, Rurik. I feel it every night you wrap your big, strong arms around me before I fall asleep. I feel your eyes light up whenever I enter a room. I feel it every time you cook me the best homemade meals ever when you don't even cook for yourself. I feel it in every soap, shampoo, and conditioner you use on me as you wash me. I feel it in every little small kiss you plant on my head, shoulders, and forehead. I feel it everywhere, Rurik. Everywhere in me, too.”

“You're fucking crazy,” I whisper, clenching my hands into a tight fist to stop them from grabbing her.

“Maybe,” She nibbles on my Adam's apple, and I fight the urge to groan. “But at least I can admit I'm fucking crazy about you.”

“Briar,” I warn her as her hands slide down to my abs.

“I know you're scared of me and your stepdad, Rurik. But here's the thing,” She says, her gaze trailing my neck and chest. “I’m really tired of not being someone's number one. I'm tired of feeling like I'm never good enough. For once, I want someone to choose me.”

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