Page 16 of What I Should Have Done

“We’re headed to the colonel. You know, for the after-action report? The debrief?” I snapped, glaring at her.

“But you report to your captain.” Her brows furrowed, either distracted or truly confused.

“But as you fucking know, he ain’t here right now. We have been assigned to work with the colonel to take down this terrorist. So, Dom, as our lieutenant commander, works with Colonel Duke to figure out the shit that leaders do and send us out on our next mission. One that I hope doesn’t get fucked up again.” I lowered the rifle from my shoulder and pulled my lips into a thin line, tugging the mask down since we were finally back at the outpost.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she hissed at me, pulling hers off.

“You know exactly what that fucking means,” I snarled.

“I didn’t fuck this mission up. Nobody communicating with me that you weren’t dead fucked shit up!”

“Oh? Did you stop and think that we were trying to stay silent so that they didn’t know where we were? If one of us had spoken while sneaking up on the buggies, do you think it would’ve ended as smoothly as it had?”

“I don’t know because you nor anyone else trusted me to do my job!”

“BECAUSE THIS ISN’T A FUCKING TRAINING EXERCISE, DAMN IT!” I threw my hands in the air.

“Is that what you think? That since I’ve never actually been involved in some combat as a sniper that I’m not capable of being effective? Is that why you got pissed I shot that guy for you?” Her fists balled up, snapping tightly next to her sides.

I didn’t know if the rest of the team had stopped to listen, if they’d continued on, if other soldiers were listening, all I knew was that I saw red—and a twinge of fear for her snapped through my stomach.

“There’s your problem, Scottie,” I said, taking a deep breath to calm the boiling anger that was not her fault.

“Excuse me? My problem?” Her gaze narrowed, eyes of amber drilling into my soul.

“You called that target a guy. You can’t humanize what we do.” I ran my teeth over my bottom lip, glancing around at our surroundings. We had a crowd—one that was slowly dissipating, but there they were. My team stood off to the side, simply watching. Shifting my gaze back to Scottie, I sighed. The pain in their eyes reflected the worry that pushed out the rage in my heart.

“What are you talking about? They’re not paper targets. You said it yourself, this isn’t training, this is actual deployment with real men, real bad guys to kill,” she replied, color slowly returning to her white knuckles.

“They’re not always men, Scottie. And yes, I know that our targets are not paper, but if you think about them as anything more than a target…or anything more than a body to drop…” My voice trailed off as her narrowed eyes widened. How was I supposed to explain to her the very thing that was going to kill her faster than any bullet would?

“You want me to become some psychopath? Like you? Remove all feelings from what we’re doing?” she snapped at me.

A defense mechanism; I recognized it because I’d done something similar to Griffin once.

“Yes, Scottie. If you don’t, you’re dead, and not by someone else’s hand out here. It’ll happen when you go home. When you have plenty of time to do absolutely nothing.”

She stared at me, wide-eyed. “I’m not afraid to die.” The innocence that danced behind her irises flickered, not as bright as before, but it was still there. For how long, I wasn’t sure, and the urge to wrap her in my arms, tell her it was alright, and that all of this was a simple nightmare washed over me.

“And you know this how?” she added quietly, snatching her sniper rifle case from the ground and pulling it to her chest.

“Because all of us have been where you are right now,” I answered gently. Her eyes flickered briefly to the team.

“And where am I right now?” Her shoulders rounded forward. The first moment of vulnerability leaking through her hardened shell.

“Once the high of this mission dies, once all the adrenaline drains, reality will hit you. And maybe that’s in the next half hour, maybe it’s not even until the tour ends, but when it does, it will hit you hard. You killed someone today.” I paused, wishing there was a gentler way to express this.

She inhaled a shaky breath, clutching the case tighter to her body.

“More than one person,” I added quietly. “The sooner you can shift that thinking into eliminating targets, carrying out orders, the easier things will be.”

A shadow fell over my back, hiding me from the heat of the sun. “And maybe when we all get home, we can start to figure out how to actually process this shit,” Dom explained, offering some comfort in his own way.

Scottie didn’t remove her eyes from me; her once strong and powerful body looked tired and scared. So small compared to the feisty girl that met us at that tent.

“How long until I forget about it?” she whispered.

My heart lurched. “I’ll let you know when I do,” I answered. Her bottom lip trembled, clearly replaying the images of what she’d seen. “It pops up in your head less and less the more that time passes, though,” I quickly added, hoping to give her a sense of support. She nodded but said nothing.

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