Page 64 of Since Day One

I stopped in front of the door to the arena. Turn the handle, that’s all it was going to take, and I’d be heading back into Gunnar’s world. Looking like this. So unlike the me he’d come to know. Not that this version of me was bad, it just wasn’t exactly what anyone was used to. And it wasn’t just Gunnar inside the arena, which almost made things worse.

Swallowing my fear and pride, I reached forward and kicked open the door, barging into the arena that was apparently full of more than the three usual participants. And I didn’t see Gunnar in the middle of the arena on a horse. Several hands were here, and even members of my family, but Gunnar was nowhere to be seen, and nobody was training. My family was being taught the basics of riding by the ranch hands.

A slow whistle sounded behind me, and I jumped, nearly losing the tray of food I was holding. Rob and Carsen appeared from beside the round pen that Luke was missing from. They grinned greedily at the food and raked their eyes over my figure.

“Now, this is a surprising turn of events,” Rob said, leaning against the round pen.

“What’s going on?” I asked as the two men grabbed a sandwich from the tray.

“Well, Gunnar disappeared after you ran out of here, and, last I saw him, he was sitting in the stall barn drunker than a skunk. Ruger asked if we might be able to help out with extra lessons today, and seeing as the arena wasn’t occupied, we said sure,” Carsen answered between bites of his sandwich.

“You look really nice, by the way,” Rob added, though his eyes barely lifted from his food.

“Thanks,” I said, quickly dismissing the compliment. “Does Gunnar get drunk often?”

They shook their heads. “Last time he was like this, he’d just walked in on his ex-fiancée and uncle boning,” Rob answered. I shoved the tray into his hand, grabbed two sandwiches from it that were wrapped in plastic, and quickly left the arena. He shouted after me, but I ignored him, making my way quickly around this building and toward the stall barn.

The snow made it a little tricky and slicker than usual, but I managed to be successful without once falling on my behind. My spurs jangled as I stepped up onto the concrete platform and grabbed the frosty handle. Turning the knob, I opened the door quickly and walked into the warm barn. Nickers from horses met my ears, and a few munched on some leftover hay from breakfast. The lights were on, and music was blaring, but not the kind I had expected.

Some heavy rock music blared over the speakers, and not the stuff you typically headbanged to, but the kind that made even me want to get lost in the bottom of a bottle. I slowly walked farther into the barn, wandering down the aisle toward a slumped figure leaning against a stall on the right.

Gunnar was staring blankly ahead, an empty whiskey bottle in his left hand that was sitting in his lap. The only part of him that was moving was his chest from breathing. Eventually, he closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the stall door. He banged his skull against it a few times before screaming and suddenly throwing the bottle across the barn.

It shattered against the stall door, startling the horse that kicked at the gate, and I even let out a small yelp. But he didn’t hear me. Cautiously, I walked the rest of the way over to him and knelt down beside him. He barely lifted his eyes to meet my face but managed to do a double take and gave me a drunken grin.

“Well, shit. You look really pretty,” he slurred and flopped his head away from me, the grin immediately falling from his lips.

I sat down next to him and placed a sandwich in his lap while unwrapping mine and taking a small bite. He shoved his around on his legs for a moment but remained emotionless. There was pain radiating through him, and I finally understood why. He hadn’t been angry at me, but at the reminder of whatever horrible things he’d been through.

Once I finished eating my sandwich without him saying a word, I slid as close to Gunnar as I could. He reeked of alcohol, but I ignored the heavy smell and wrapped my arms around him, gently tugging his head toward my body. I was met with a little resistance at first, and then he collapsed against me, sinking onto my lap.

He shuddered as I pulled his hat off of his head, placed it gently to the side on its crown, and began to run my fingers through his hair, back and forth. I simply held him. Initially, he remained stiff and still beneath my touch. Then he reached his own hand around my legs and grabbed my thigh. Squeezing his fingers, I felt him shakily inhale as he closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Princess,” he mumbled with a drunken slur.

“I didn’t mean to make you angry,” I replied, gently stroking his hair along the edge of his face. His eyelashes fluttered, and he pressed tighter against my body.

“I wasn’t angry at you, and I’m sorry I made you feel that way. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He took a deep breath as I ran my fingers across his cheek and against the unruly stubble that he was growing.

“Are you going to get more mad if I tell you your mom talked to me?” I hesitantly said, and he shook his head, curling up in my lap.

“What’d she say?”

“Just that you had to take care of your little brother from the time you were four. And that you got into a lot of fights with others,” I answered, and he chuckled in my lap.

“My fists are lethal weapons, Princess. Beware,” he slurred drunkenly, and I tenderly smiled as he swung one lazy punch into the air. After everything from my past, it should’ve scared me at least a little—the amount of bottled-up anger that I could see consuming him. But I wasn’t. Not an ounce.

“None of that is your fault,” I said, and the smile fell from his face. His eyes became cloudy once more as he glared at the stall across from us.

“You don’t know what happened,” he sharply said and tried to sit up, swaying before falling back into my lap and closing his eyes as the world spun around him.

“Then tell me,” I softly replied, and he shook his head.

“It ain’t your burden to worry about.”

“And it shouldn’t be one you carry alone.”

He grunted, slowly turning himself onto his back so he could look up at me. He slowly narrowed his gaze, blinking out the light, trying to focus his eyes.

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