Page 38 of Since Day One

She took in a deep breath, plopping down on her rose-quilted bedspread. “And how do you feel now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Lighter?”

I nodded yes.

“Scared.”

Crumpling forward, every tear once pooled deep within the wells behind my eyes came crashing forward.

I was terrified.

Her blue eyes sparkled, tenderness filling her face. “I’m here, no matter what happens. And I’m proud of you, Willow. The—“ and the screen froze.

“Sally?” Standing up, I raised the phone toward the wooden ceiling, but the reception signal alerted me it was once again searching for cell service.

“Sally!” I gasped again, darting around the sides of the bed, but nothing happened. My shoulders sagged as I plopped my butt down on the bed. It was all going to be okay. Right?

Right?

Footsteps padded my way. Quickly wiping away the salt stains upon my cheeks, I rammed the lock button on the phone and placed it back into my coat pocket. Glancing up at the shadow that had fallen over me, I was met with curious hazel eyes.

“Is that something you’re truly perplexed about, or something that your friend just made up?” Gunnar asked, and I pushed myself off the floor.

I tilted my head, trying to figure out what he meant. “Something my friend—“ And then it hit me. The rather one-sided conversation with Abi I’d completely forgotten about after talking with Sally.

“Right,” I muttered, studying his gaze, trying to decipher what he was getting at. “Are you asking if I want to have sex?” I questioned in return.

He shook his head. “No. That’s not it. I was just wondering if all girls are curious.”

I watched him shove his hands in his pocket and then walk from the room again. The thing was, now that he mentioned it, yes, I was very curious. At twenty-seven years old, I still hadn’t once touched anything on a man, not even by accident. And I was very intrigued to know what it felt like.

I strode out of the bedroom after him and watched as he sat down on the couch and nonchalantly grabbed the book off the coffee table as if we’d been discussing the price of tea in China.

Standing there, I licked my lips with uncertainty, thinking what the hell; if not now, when? “Would you think I’m weird if I am curious?” I blurted, before I lost courage, tiptoeing on the cold floor the rest of the way to him. He lifted his eyes to meet mine, nothing but happiness blazing in them.

“Not at all,” he answered, and I shifted on my feet, glancing down at my toes as nerves coursed through me.

“Okay, then she wasn’t lying. I’m almost thirty and I’ve never, you know…” I trailed off, unable to actually say the words.

“Do you want to?” he asked. I stopped moving, looking up from my feet. And hesitantly nodded. “All you have to do is ask.”

I stared at Gunnar in shock as he kicked up his legs onto the couch, casually flipped open the book, and became lost once more in his apparently intriguing reading material. Leaving me hanging with an offer I wasn’t sure how to interpret. I didn’t want to touch him for anything sexual; I just wanted to know what it felt like.

If there had been a clock mounted on the wall I would’ve heard it tick in tune with the awkwardly passing seconds. Every crackle of an ember bursting in the fireplace seemed to echo like a shout down a narrow, tall canyon. It lingered in the air, sharp and piercing. I was lost as to what to do. He’d offered, but I couldn’t quite process that he’d brought it up, or what I was meant to do now. Just walk over and put my hands down his pants while he reads a book? Some people were more open with their bodies, but I worried if I did this, he would eventually view me as some kind of sleaze. Someone to laugh about.

Slowly walking around the side of the couch, I stopped and stood in front of him. His eyes rose from the pages and rested against mine, watching me expressionlessly. Waiting.

Just as I was waiting for the courage to ask.

The opportunity was there, he’d already consented and offered. He was simply waiting for my consent and desire to be expressed. But I was still a little worried there were expectations held with it.

“I don’t want to do this for anything sexual,” I finally stated.

He nodded. “Yup, I know.”

“Like, I just want to feel it to know what it’s like because I’m curious,” I continued, the nerves bubbling in my stomach.

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