Page 82 of Since Day One

“Some personal things. Look, there’s been a lot of unexpected changes this year, and on top of everything she had to step in and fill a lot of roles while Kurt took care of Sally,” he explained, and it made sense. Something I’d been suspicious would happen because I was aware of how important she was to the ranch.

I nodded, stepping away as he was called to enter the arena. “Is she at least here?” I asked as he nudged his horse forward and gave me one last sympathetic glance. He didn’t need to speak to answer my question, because I knew from that one look. She didn’t want to see me. She knew I was here, she was here herself, and didn’t want to see me.

I gave him a tight-lipped smile, which he returned in kind, fighting back the tears and devastation that wrecked my soul. I nodded politely once. “Thank you, and good luck,” I muttered, and he trotted away. The crowd merged upon me once more as I stared ahead. The spark of hope in my chest died at that moment.

It had been a forever goodbye for her, and though my soul would always long for her, I had to find a way to move forward—to let her go.

Tucking my hands into my pockets, I turned and walked away from a girl who I would invariably belong to forever.

WILLOW

I saw him, and it nearly killed me to walk away from someone I still unequivocally loved.

Chapter 30

WILLOW

One Year Later

“Willow! It’s here!” Abi screamed, running out of the house onto the back patio. Or more like waddling from being eight months pregnant. “The magazine is here with your feature!”

It was sunny and warm today. The horses were grazing out on the early summer pasture, the sun dazzling off the white railing around the deck which matched the color of the table I was sitting at. The ivory ranch house cast just enough shade for it to feel comfortable lounging outside. This was a place that I would forever love.

Abi slammed the magazine down and flipped to the article about T-Bar Ranch and Cowgirl of the Year.

Me.

I stared in awe at the front page picture.

“That’s me!” I blinked, biting back the tears.

“Congratulations!” Kurt shouted from inside his home where he was helping Sally cook lunch before we left for the rodeo. Once she healed enough from the heart attack, they’d put a pacemaker in and, so far, she’s been fine ever since. Though it never stopped Kurt from worrying.

My hand shook as I began reading the article. “Willow Summers has shown us that you can do it all. World-class reining trainer and rider, she walked away with her fourth championship buckle this past year after giving birth less than a year ago. She takes pride in balancing motherhood to her baby boy, Gauge, and continuing to take the NRHA world by storm.”

“That’s you,” Abi said again, and I felt a tear slide down my face. I’d done it. Whooped Emily’s butt fair and square and walked home with no regrets.

It was me, but it also wasn’t just me. Not anymore.

It was me and my son—whom I was holding on my hip in the picture. He had just as big of a buckle as mine, and a smile that constantly mended my soul and broke my heart simultaneously. I looked to my left, away from the house, at the eleven-month-old, who was toddling after a squawking chicken that Denny had just released from his arms.

Finding out I was pregnant with that little boy had been the most frightening moment of my life. Everything changed in an instant, and I’d been so afraid that I would lose the life that I was most in love with. But the thing was, I hadn’t, even though I was now actively considering stepping down from competing altogether. He was who I wanted to focus on.

That little curly-haired boy whose dimples were so much like his father’s.

To this day, the nights were the hardest. I’d close my eyes and there Gunnar would be, holding me and reading softly to me. From the day Gauge was born, I’d read to him, hoping it would help take away the constant ache from my chest. But it hadn’t. The love I felt toward my son was not the same kind I still felt for that man who changed my world.

But he’d said he never wanted kids, and I had such a large support system here in Texas that I decided I would never burden him with that responsibility. I could do this on my own, and I had. Kurt and Sally were Gauge’s grandparents, and everyone here were his aunts and uncles.

It scared me thinking of what I was going to have to tell that little boy as he grew up and became curious about his dad. One day he’d go looking for Gunnar, and then what? How much hate or indifference would Gunnar have once he learned he was a father and that burden fell onto his shoulders?

Gunnar not knowing was for the best. I wanted to protect the man who had loved me fully and deeply, and protected me without fail. So, I shut him out, kept this from him, and whenever that day came when he inevitably did find out about Gauge, I would deal with the fallout then.

But there were so many nights I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep, wishing that Gunnar could be here. Pretending that if he were to just see me again, he would change his mind and want his son.

That he would want me.

The tears of joy from the article quickly turned into heartache once again. I still wanted him, still needed him even more than I needed to be here. I’d known that since returning. The fulfillment I used to receive here had disappeared along with Gunnar.

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