Page 80 of Since Day One

I’d kept her sweatshirt. The one that she’d been wearing that last day we’d trained together. Left it under my pillow so I could bury my face in it until I couldn’t smell her anymore. I’d been secretly hoping she was upset that I kept it, but she hadn’t ever contacted me to ask for it back. Though she also hadn’t sent back the button-ups that were mine, that I knew she’d stashed in her duffel on that fateful night.

Now, I was haunted by the ghost of someone I still loved and stupidly never had the courage to tell her.

The massive arena before me, specifically built for this year’s event, was bustling with a sea of cowboy hats of every shape and size. Loudspeakers boomed announcing names and ride orders. Music blared, mixing in with the screams of kids in strollers and parents chasing after the adventurous toddlers, all playing like a heartbeat beneath it all. Hotdogs and cotton candy whirled around the storm of thundering hooves, filling the sandy air with a sweet stench coated thick with the smell of hay.

Three different western disciplines were all competing this weekend, and I had heard whispers floating through the air that the T-Bar Ranch was once again in the running.

But they were just that—third-party rumors from people I barely knew.

We walked a small circle to begin warming up the bay stallion who was in the running to win it all. While valuable already, he would become a mainstay of our breeding operations for years ahead after this win. A fine sheen of sweat had begun to darken the hair on his neck. I knew how he felt. Ruger sat on the rail outside the warm-up pen, holding my sweet niece, who was staring up at her dad, cooing while horses were working around her.

Tan metal walls rose around me, reflecting the sound of sand kicked up, high-blowing, snorts and nickers. There were so many parked trailers outside and makeshift pens set up. People from all over the country were crammed into this building. Two separate warm-up areas sat along the left side of the open area, located on the outside of the bleachers that surrounded the center stadium.

Along the opposite side of the facility was a smaller arena with short stacks of bleachers for those runs that needed to happen to qualify, or whatever was needed before the final show for any of the three disciplines. Right now, the last rider in the reined cow horse show was going, and then I was first-up after they dragged the arena for my final run on this horse. I was showing on a couple of others, but this was the guy who had the chance to take me the furthest.

Patting his neck after I finished our warmup, I guided the horse toward the rail where Ruger was hanging out, and I reached for my niece. Pulling June onto my lap, I walked the horse along the rail as Ruger mirrored us and opened the gate at the far end.

“Where’s your head at?” Ruger asked, and I glanced at him before scanning the crowd. It wasn’t here. It was anywhere but here. It was with Willow, and I had this constant drive to go find her.

“That’s what I thought,” Ruger said as we wove through a small crowd toward the entrance of the arena. “Focus on your job here, and then afterward, I’ll look with you.”

“No, I need to find her on my own,” I muttered.

“Fine. But do that after your ride. Come on man, you know she would want you to win,” my brother prompted, and he was right. She would want me to win. I swallowed and zeroed in on my job. I was here to compete and win and that was it. The girl that I was longing for would want that, even though she and I would never be together.

Giving him a nod, I handed his daughter back and adjusted my hat, tucking it low over my head as Rob and Carsen rode up beside me. “Ready boss?” they asked. I nodded, waiting for two other competitors who would join me in the ring.

They grinned, feeling the intensity that was within me. I had to win. Whatever it took, I had to do this. For me and for her. The gate finally opened, and the announcer said my name. It was time.

Patience and composure were the name of the game as I waited to begin, slowly picking my mark as the cattle mewed and barely noticed that I was there. Three head of cattle. That’s all the time I had to showcase that I was the best at this. Slowly, I rode into the herd, my eyes set on the same steer that my horse had zeroed in on.

As we cut him out of the herd and gently pushed him to the other side of the arena, I narrowed my sights and then dropped my hand against my horse’s neck. We were off. Perfected timing coursed through me as I worked in tandem with my horse, weaving back and forth making sure that the steer didn’t have a chance to return to the herd until I let it.

I was in control. Maybe not in everything in life, but I was here. Letting everything course through me, I worked. Over and over again until there was one cow left. As I let the second cow rejoin the herd and took a moment, my eyes scanned the crowd, finding Ruger. He was beaming, knowing as well as I did that I was unstoppable at this point.

One nod from him, and I returned my focus toward the cattle. But not before locking onto a face I had only seen in my dreams. It couldn’t be.

I froze.

Willow was seated in the highest corner, barely visible beneath the shadows, the hat I’d given her pulled low over her eyes. She was watching, and I couldn’t look away for fear that if I blinked, she would be gone. This wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.

Or maybe it was.

For when I finally blinked, she was no longer sitting in that seat. I frantically searched the crowd, looking for her in desperation. She had been there, I could’ve sworn she had been. But I could no longer find her.

As I sighed, accepting that it was nothing but my head playing tricks again, I somehow locked onto her watching in front of the exit, still shrouded in darkness.

And it was then that I knew it was just my imagination, because as she gave me a soft smile and turned to walk away, this woman’s belly was swollen heavily in the late stages of pregnancy.

Of course, that’s what my head would think right now after Jesse. Yet, it had seemed so real, and I was confused. My mind was making up shit during this stressful time because of everything that was out of my control.

Control.

Shaking my head, I cleared my thoughts of a desire that I would never share with anyone. Nor would I want that life with anyone but Willow. It became my deepest secret that would remain unknown to the world.

So, I got back to work at the one thing I did have control over, and then I was done.

Loping out of that arena, I left with one goal in mind. To find Willow. I was desperate to just catch a glimpse of the real her to finally put myself at ease. Ruger met me at the exit, excited beyond measure knowing that the scores I was about to receive were going to be extremely hard to beat. I had a nearly perfect ride.

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