Page 78 of Since Day One

So many endings.

So many changes happening all too quickly.

Gunnar held my hand while he drove me to the airport; everyone else hitched a ride with Noah’s family so they could go to his house. I prepared for the worst. I was so numb I had long since stopped crying as the anguish consumed me. I was losing Gunnar and Sally all at once.

All unexpectedly.

All too soon.

He pulled into the airport and parked the van in an overflow lot where we sat, still and silent. This was the end.

Nothing within me seemed to work as Gunnar softly said he’d ship the rest of my stuff to Texas for me as I sat with the duffel bag in my lap. A duffel bag that didn’t even contain my own clothes but ones that Jesse said I could keep.

This couldn’t be happening. I didn’t want to leave, not yet. But I couldn’t stay, either, and I felt guilty that I wasn’t sure which one hurt more.

Time ticked by, rushing onward too quickly.

Knowing the longer I sat here, the longer I was postponing the inevitable, I sighed and opened the van door. Numbly stepping out, I shut it behind me and slung the bag over my shoulder. Everything that should’ve felt cold or warm was vacant, absolutely empty, as I walked toward the airport door.

Gunnar grabbed my hand and suddenly pulled me into his body, where I felt my figure begin to shake. He held me, desperately. The tighter he held, the more I realized that this was hurting him, too, and I threw my arms around him and finally sobbed.

Not once did Gunnar break, not once did I see a tear upon his face, but I also did not see his eyes sparkle. There wasn’t a dimple in sight as he held me. This was a forever goodbye, and we both knew it.

Without thinking, I tipped onto my toes and rammed my lips against his, desperate to feel his kiss for the last time. I memorized every ounce of passion he expressed, clung to how soft and warm his embrace was, and burned his taste into my tongue.

“I’ll always be here, Willow,” Gunnar muttered as I slid away, and I closed my eyes. He placed a tender kiss against my forehead, and then I turned around.

Walking into that airport was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Going toward death while feeling something else die was a pain I could never truly describe. I spared one last glance over my shoulder as the glass doors began to slide closed behind me and found Gunnar watching with a broken smile on his face.

I imagined Gunnar watching as the plane took off. Waiting for as long as he could before we disappeared from each other’s life completely. Two worlds had collided and were now roaring back to the life that had once been. But he forever changed me. That trip had forever changed me, even if it’d been cut a week short.

My gaze lingered out the window as I stared at the blackened night sky. It was as dark and empty as my entire soul felt. There was a piece of me that remained with someone else, somewhere else, and I would never get that back, never be whole again. Despite the pain, I didn’t want it back. This heartache, this burden that I was now forced to bear was worth it, and I would do it all again if it meant reliving that minute amount of life with such an incredible man.

This newfound misery was bittersweet.

Sliding the blind closed on the airplane window, I leaned my head against the white plastic, the stale air my newest companion as I was inching closer and closer toward family and farther from someone I’d fallen so completely for. He owned a part of me that no other man would ever be able to touch.

Another tear found its way down my cheek as I attempted to fight my way out of this drowning rip I was caught in. I needed to be strong when I returned—for Kurt and Sally. For the people who cared about me and loved me. This was something I would need to shoulder on my own, and that would be okay. I could accept that. Giving into my feelings for Gunnar would’ve resulted in this pain no matter what, and I’d known that. Even if I’d expected at least seven more days with him, I’d known that I was walking toward agony.

But I hadn’t known it would hurt this terribly. It burned upon my heart, coming in waves of searing anguish. I was slowly fading into a darker place, wishing that somehow I had a piece of him with me. No picture, no memory would ever quite match up to the same way his real touch would.

He would forever occupy my thoughts now, as I knew I couldn’t fight that. He would be a constant companion in all that I did. Even now as I quietly closed my eyes, I could hear him laugh. I could hear his voice softly read to me. I could feel his arms wrapped tightly around me, holding me close and giving me a home.

Those memories would become my escape and my secret. Sharing something about him would only come if necessary, or if I wanted to because they were mine and his alone. There would be things I would never speak of to anyone else, ever. Because he was the only one who would ever be deserving of the joy they brought.

Simply because he was the one I’d shared them with.

Now, I had to focus on Sally. It was my turn to take care of Kurt and his family as he’d done for me all those years. No matter how low I felt, how tired I was, how broken I had just become, I would be the strength that Kurt and Sally would need.

I prayed that this plane would return me to Sally before she passed. There was so much I needed to tell her. Courage I’d only recently gained. She deserved to know that I loved her and that she had saved me. I needed her to know that she had become the mom I always dreamt of, and that, no matter what I said, words would never come close to expressing how much I cared for her and respected her.

This was my new world. One that was laden with heartbreak not because I’d pushed love out, but because I’d let it in. And that was a life worth living. No matter how broken I’d just become.

Abi was there to pick me up from the airport, wrapping her arms tightly around me as we dashed through the terminal. “I found something else out,” she said as I shrugged the duffel higher onto my shoulders.

“We don’t have time for this Abi, what is it?” I snapped.

“I know, but rumor has it Emily is getting married. Some rich rancher contacted her, so she’s jetting off to Montana to get hitched.” She gave me a tight smile as we burst through the sliding glass doors.

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