Page 57 of Invidia

“I have a copper,” I mumbled. “I don’t understand how this happened. Unless it moved or something, maybe?”

I looked up at Meera slightly desperately, and she grimaced. “The copper acts as a spermicide. For human sperm. We don’t know how effective it is against Shade sperm.”

“We do now,” I muttered, annoyed with myself that I hadn’t considered that earlier.

But not totally annoyed. Because I was also quietly excited—in a having-heart-palpitations kind of way. Because if I was pregnant… I wanted this child so much, but Evrin had to want them too.

“There are pregnancy tests in the supply closet,” Meera said softly.

I nodded, already crawling out of her bed. Part of me wanted to wait until the party downstairs was over, but I physically couldn’t do it. I had to know.

Fortunately, they all seemed distracted enough with their game that no one noticed me sneaking down to the bathroom.

Meera was sitting up expectantly by the time I returned, giving her a simple nod in confirmation as I closed the door behind me and immediately climbed back in her bed.

“Is this what you want?” Meera asked quietly, looking at me with those oh-so-perceptive eyes.

“Of course.”

The answer was rote. It was what she expected to hear, what she wanted to hear, and so that was what I gave her.

But I was trying to be a little more honest—both with myself and with everyone else. Life was too short to go through it catering to everyone else’s whims and never prioritizing my own.

“It is what I want,” I added. “It’s everything I want, which is terrifying all on its own. But what if I’m a bad mother? I’m scared that I’ll look at my not-human baby and not love it the way a mother should love their child. I’m scared that my body won’t be able to handle this pregnancy, and I’ll die in childbirth. I’m scared that a half-Hunter, half-Shade child won’t fit in anywhere.”

Meera hummed. “And what about the things that could go right? What are some of those? What are some of the things you’re looking forward to?”

“Holding them for the first time,” I replied instantly, smiling to myself. My hand had drifted protectively to my midsection without me even realizing it. “Seeing what they look like, what their eyes are like, what traits they’ll inherit from each of us. Getting to know them, their smile, hearing their laugh.” I swallowed, my throat suddenly thick. “Seeing Evrin as a father.”

“Do you think he’ll be good at it?” Meera asked, her tone entirely neutral.

I contemplated the question, forcing myself not to respond with empty platitudes. “Yes, I do. Though, I imagine it’ll take him some time to build up his confidence. He’ll probably be… He’ll probably be scared, too.”

“Probably,” Meera agreed mildly. Were doulas trained as therapists, or was she just really good at encouraging me to process my feelings?

We stayed there in silence for a long time, with Meera stroking my hair the way my mom had when I was little. It was the first time since I’d come to the shadow realm—or even in the years before that—that I’d truly wanted my mom around. It was an emotional response though, not a logical one. She’d be disgusted that I was carrying a half-Shade child.

“Are you happy here?” I asked Meera, having wondered about it for a long time.

“I am. I probably don’t look it,” she added dryly. “But that’s just my face. I promise, I’m a lot happier on the inside.”

“We’re total opposites that way,” I laughed. “I usually look a lot happier on the outside than I am on the inside. Not that I’m super sad or anything,” I added hurriedly, not wanting her to get the wrong idea.

“No, I know. You’re just very smiley. We’ve never really talked about how you ended up here,” Meera said tentatively. “How it was you came to be kicked out of the Hunters in the first place.”

“No, we haven’t,” I agreed thoughtfully. Neither Meera nor I were the type to be booted out of the Hunters, not really. I was pretty confident she hadn’t harbored secret monster fucking fantasies—I certainly hadn’t. Meera was so reticent about sharing her life in general, I’d never asked.

“Not that we have to now,” she added quickly, flushing. “I didn’t mean to pry. I’ve never brought the subject up because… well, because I don’t like telling my own story,” she finished with a nervous laugh.

“And you don’t have to. Mine isn’t very interesting. I’m perfectly happy to tell you about it. But that doesn’t mean you should feel any pressure to reciprocate.” I gave Meera a wry smile. “I wasn’t even kicked out, necessarily. Not really.”

“You left?” she asked, eyebrows shooting up to her hairline.

“Well, no. Not really. Kind of?” I could already feel my face growing hot just talking about that stupid, embarrassing time in my life. “I’m a Thibaut, right? My family is old money among the Hunters. I hate mentioning that, but it’s a fact, and it’s relevant. I don’t personally have any of that sweet, sweet generational wealth–Grandfather hoards it like a dragon–but it’s there. A lot of those old school families—like Lochan’s family—like to exclusively socialize with each other. Same private schools, lacrosse teams, rooftop parties, all that jazz. I’d never really fit in, but I was always pushed to hang out with that crowd anyway. My parents couldn’t fathom why I wouldn’t want to.”

Meera nodded along understandingly, though I suspected we’d had very different experiences of the Hunters growing up. I was under no illusions about how the Hunters operated and the disparities within the organization.

“I’d done everything that I was meant to do. I lived in a beautiful apartment in the city—subsidized by my grandfather. I had a very respectable job in HR that I got right out of college—thanks to my grandfather, and certainly not thanks to my Fine Arts degree. Later, he gifted me my own small firm as a birthday present. I arrived early and finished late for every night patrol, no matter how exhausted I was the next day, and I worked my ass off to run my business when I could barely keep my eyes open. My morning alarm was a recording of myself saying ‘rise and grind’ on repeat,” I added with a snort, wanting to paint the full picture of just how committed to the rat race I’d been.

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