Page 19 of Invidia

Meera trailed along after me, which I hadn’t expected. But maybe she was in the mood for more company than usual. I was happy to help with that.

“How was your walk this morning?” Meera asked as I pulled kindling out of the giant basket in the corner, stacking it in the hearth. “It’s so great that you’ve been going out each day and exploring. So brave. I feel like I’ve barely been anywhere.”

This was probably the point where I’d suggest she accompany me next time if I was actually going on walks and not sneaking to the in-between to have my brains railed out of my skull.

“It looks like you’ve been spending a lot of time in the garden,” I replied instead, focusing a little harder than strictly necessary on nurturing the little flame I was getting going.

“I have been enjoying spending time in the garden.” She cleared her throat almost a little sheepishly, though, I couldn’t tell what could possibly be embarrassing about pulling weeds. “Was that Shade from the ball at dinner tonight? I keep meaning to ask if you’ve seen him around yet.”

I choked on my own saliva. “I don’t think he eats in the dining hall.”

“Oh.” Meera’s face was full of understanding. If my mystery midnight courtyard lover didn’t seek me out in the dining hall, it was because he wasn’t interested in pursuing something with me. That was how it worked here.

“How are you feeling about that?” Meera asked with about as much tact as she could, considering the question. How are you feeling about banging a Shade at a party and him avoiding you forever?

Oh, totally fine, actually. He hasn’t been avoiding me. We just sleep together in secret.

“The experience was a good reminder that I need to get better at separating sex and romance,” I told her, which was the honest truth. “I really admire Verity’s ability to just… have fun, then move on with her life. No strings attached. Especially here, where sex is intrinsically linked to feeding for a Shade. There’s a biological need there that goes beyond just pleasure and, you know, reproduction or whatever. I can’t fall in love with every hungry Shade who manages to seduce me,” I added with an unconvincing laugh.

“Right,” Meera agreed tentatively, perching on the wide edge of the hearth. “There’s something to be said about that, but you’re also not Verity. It’s okay if you don’t respond to things the same way as she does.”

“No, I know,” I mumbled, pumping the bellows to get the fire going.

I’d overheard it said around court that Meera was shy and lacked confidence, but the more time I spent with her, the less true that felt. I was the one trying desperately to fit in. It sure seemed like it took a lot more confidence to unapologetically move at your own pace.

“Well, forget that guy. He clearly doesn’t deserve you if he’s not making an effort to see you—that’s the bare minimum.” She didn’t mean for words to hit me like a blow to the chest, of course. And in his own way, Evrin did make an effort to see me, but it was just in an extremely secretive way that made me feel vaguely ashamed of myself.

“Maybe someone else will catch your eye?” Meera suggested mildly.

“Maybe,” I replied on a heavy exhale, though I knew there was no possibility of that happening while Evrin and I were doing what we were doing.

As much as I wanted to read less into sexual intimacy, I wasn’t someone who felt romantic attraction easily. And when I did, I was entirely fixated on that person until it had run its course.

It was like I was cursed with Stage Five Clinginess, but only one percent of the time. Silver linings and whatnot.

“What about you? Anyone getting your motor running?” I asked Meera, hoping to move some of the scrutiny off me.

Meera shook her head, blushing faintly. I supposed Verner hadn’t technically been at dinner—he’d been standing guard outside. Since that day he’d helped me make an escape from dinner, I’d spotted him hanging around almost constantly, but it definitely wasn’t for my benefit.

“I might head up to bed,” Meera said on a yawn, helping herself to a cup of water. “Are you okay down here?”

“Sure. I’ll go up shortly. Goodnight.”

She squeezed my shoulder lightly on the way past, leaving me alone as I fed logs into the flames, and my mind headed to the bad place.

If I was in the human realm, I’d be sending a “you up?” message right now.

But I wasn’t, so I got the fire roaring and snuck out of the house instead. The charcoal gray sky churned restlessly above, and there was something soothing about how different it looked from the sky at home. I wasn’t in Kansas—or Idaho Springs—anymore, but I was making a life for myself here, and that life was full of possibility.

The grounds surrounding the palace were always lit up like a stadium so that no one could shadow walk into the place without the Guard noticing, but even with the megawatt orbs of silvery lights, I knew it probably wasn’t the safest option to traverse the gardens at night.

It was especially idiotic to head toward the barracks on my own when Evrin was trying to keep me a secret.

But I just…

I needed him. Not even for sex—though that would be nice, too. I needed his calm, steady presence. I needed him to wrap me up in those big strong arms and tell me everything would be okay. And objectively, I didn’t need that. I was fine on my own, I knew if I’d just stayed in my room and waited out this incessant, itching need to feel his skin on mine and his voice in my ear that I’d make it through. But I didn’t want to fight it. I wanted to cherish it.

I hovered outside the entry room, having a vague idea of when Evrin finished his insanely long shifts in the in-between. It wasn’t the regular rotation that the other guards did, which meant there was no foot traffic going past, at least. I had no excuses at the ready for what I could possibly be doing here. I was really just relying on no one seeing me.

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