“Grow up a little, would you? Do you not know that her husband is the one who killed your father? He was here that day!” She slams her hand on the table, but I don’t feel frightened at all. Rather, I am angry. Furious, even.
“I think it’s time you realise how fucking neglected you made Aurora feel; she was here every single day when you were having your depressive episodes. She was here when you needed her, but you discarded her the minute she wasn’t useful anymore. What kind of mother are you?” I am heaving by the end of my short speech.
I am so tired of Mum tarnishing her name when she isn’t here. So tired of her casting her in such a bad light when she merely wanted love from her parents.
A lot like myself.
Mum chuckles, and it’s taunting and intimidating.
Her eyes sharpen on me, and my blood chills. Ice pricks at my fingertips. Distaste leaks from her eyes, pooling around her.
“What about you, Ambrose? You are giving me a lecture on how I treated Aurora; have you forgotten the monster you are for doing what you did to her? For almost getting her killed? Do you not think your own actions have consequences? Did you forget about the scar she has on the back of her ear? It is there because you didn’t stop your father. Did you forget her gasping for air when your father was threatening her? Did you forget that you were also closed off from her? Did you forget….”
As she replays each of my mistakes, one after the other, I feel myself shrink in my chair.
I know I shouldn’t have behaved the way I did. I am thirty years old, not a fucking child, but how do I defend myself against this?
I can’t.
So I blink the burn away. I grind my teeth, and my hands tighten into fists in my lap as my head hangs in shame. Mum shouts profanities, her anger hot and boiling. Every single word from her mouth is like lava searing through my skin.
The room spins, and Mum’s face blurs. I reach up and massage my temple to keep the headache away until I faintly hear her walk away. I heave myself out of my chair and head to the office, shaking my head and ridding myself of the dizziness.
Swallowing, I enter my office in the Glamorous building, dropping my bag and taking a deep breath.
It hurts to even take a breath. It hurts to live. It hurts to want to be loved. It hurts. It hurts.
I did this. I did this. God, I did this to myself.
I need to search Helia’s office today for documents of any kind to support my claim, but my mind feels foggy, and it just fucking hurts.
Taking my iPad in hand, I knock on Helia’s door, then walk inside, only to stop short at the sight in front of me.
My whole body freezes, and I feel my whole world screech to a stop.
It’s the woman whose life I also destroyed. One I was supposed to protect with all my might but didn’t.
There sits my younger sister, Aurora Cainn, with my nemesis.
They both glance at me.
One in shock and one in annoyance.
“Did I tell you to come in?” Helia snaps, but my eyes are stuck on Aurora, who looks away from me.
“I… didn’t know. I’ll leave.” I turn around, shutting Helia’s door behind me, and rush back to my office.
I shove my hands under my thighs to stop them from shaking.
When they don’t stop, I get up and walk on shaky legs downstairs to the second floor to the small cafe. As soon as I am seated with a cup of coffee in front of me, I finally take my first deep breath.
It feels too much.
My body is still shaking, as if I’m afraid of everything around me.
I am not like this.
This is not me.