Page 89 of Undoing

Cass covered her eyes with her arm as she tried to will herself to turn off her brain and get some sleep. Unfortunately, her body was wide awake, aching for Rebecca. Not even the cold shower she took earlier helped. Cass scoffed. The only thing that shower did was wash away the tears Cass couldn’t hold in any longer. Day after day, Cass hoped for Rebecca’s memory to return. But it felt like that would never happen. The longer it took, the less likely it was going to happen, right? Cass increased the pressure of the crook of her elbow on her eyes to keep the fucking tears at bay.

She loved Rebecca, and that would never change. But would that magic still be there if Rebecca didn’t remember their love? Could they recreate the bond they had?

“Cass?”

Cass sat up quickly. Rebecca was still in her pajamas, so Cass didn’t think this was a hot tub moment. “Becca? Hey, are you okay? Is the pain worse?” She pushed the covers off, completely forgetting she only had boxers and a cut-off tank top on.

“Please don’t get up,” Rebecca said quickly. She’d already caught a glimpse of the rock-hard abs. “May I sit with you?”

“Yeah, of course!” Cass swung her legs off the couch, creating a space for Rebecca. Then she noticed the slight tremor in Rebecca’s hands and the look in her eyes, and it hit Cass in the gut like a punch from a heavyweight champion. She knew this look very well, and her heart broke for Rebecca. “It’s not your head that’s hurting, is it?”

Cass’s question startled — and embarrassed — Rebecca. Was her situation that noticeable? “N-no. I… my…”

“Your body hurts,” Cass offered gently.

Rebecca’s eyebrows shot up. “How did you know?”

“I know you, Becca. I understand why that confuses you, but I remember every nuance, every emotion, every look.”

Rebecca lowered her eyes, which was a mistake because they landed right on Cass’s strong legs. That certainly wasn’t helping.

“So, why am I feeling this way?” she asked suddenly. Rebecca was in too much pain to care about humiliation anymore. She needed answers… or a solution.

Cass sighed. Going to the club was one thing. Doing what Rebecca needed when she got like this was something else altogether. Cass didn’t think Rebecca was ready for that when, in Rebecca’s mind, Samantha had only been gone a few weeks.

“How honest do you want me to be?”

Rebecca looked at Cass pleadingly. “Completely.”

Cass nodded, turning to face Rebecca. It wasn’t lost on her how Rebecca’s eyes kept sweeping down her body. No, she felt the heat of those looks down deep in her core.

“We learned that your body had become accustomed to the pain you used to get when… in your previous situation. When that happens, your body starts to ache, you feel restless, you can’t concentrate. You feel like you’re on pins and needles, and the only thing that helps is, um…”

“Sex?”

Cass shrugged a shoulder. “Yes, but not just sex. You need to feel the pain.”

Rebecca squeezed her thighs together, but that did nothing to alleviate that ache Cass spoke of. “I don’t understand. Do I make you… hurt me?”

“It’s more like you submit to me. We switch roles. And I only do what you permit me to do. I never cross your limits and never give you pain without intense pleasure. But…”

“But?”

Cass shook her head, her heart pounding in her chest. What she was about to say went against everything inside her. She had an intense need to be with Rebecca, but not like this. “Please don’t ask me to do that right now. When you explained this to me the first time, you were more than a decade removed from that life. From Samantha. But now? Becca, I want nothing more than to be with you, but I can’t touch you like that and have you think of Samantha. I can’t be her to you. It would kill me. There are,” Cass’s voice hitched as she tried to hold in tears, “things in the drawers upstairs that can help you.”

Rebecca wasn’t faring so well in the fight against the tears. Seeing Cass so sad hurt more than the aches. There was something about what Cass said about Rebecca’s… condition that stuck with her.

“I considered the toys,” Rebecca confessed. She mustered up enough courage to reach for Cass’s hand. “They didn’t appeal to me without you. Do we use them often? Do you use the…”

“Yes,” Cass answered, saving Rebecca from having to say the words. This wasn’t the Rebecca who had no issue with talking dirty or saying what she wanted.

Rebecca let that sink in for a moment while she mulled over what to do next. All she knew for sure was that she wanted to be with Cass, and she didn’t think the way her body felt was the entire reason for this.

“What if it isn’t the pain my body is craving? Maybe what I’m feeling right now is because my body misses… you. I don’t feel as though I need pain, Cass. I think what I need is what I had with you.” Rebecca’s heart — and confidence — fell as Cass remained unconvinced, judging by the look on her face. Rebecca stood. She’d deal with this humiliation in private — maybe with a few toys.

“Becca, wait.” Cass grasped Rebecca’s hand lightly, trying not to startle her or appear too aggressive. She stood, towering over her petite wife.

Cass’s height and proximity weren’t intimidating for Rebecca. Quite the contrary, they were intoxicating. And when Cass tucked Rebecca’s hair behind her ear with such tenderness, Rebecca nearly melted.

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