Page 79 of One Summer

All it says is:

You are so tortoise.

Sixty-Five

Tortoise

I am so tortoise? Tortoise? What the hell does that mean?

Tortoises are nice and all – Buttercup is lovely – but nobody, at least one would hope… finds them sexy.

Joshua seems to like animals – he likes Ted, for instance – so could this be a very weird compliment? He’s a surfer, so he’s probably into nature and turtles, but I don’t think he knows me quite well enough to drop a very esoteric, reptilian-specific compliment in his first ever text message to me.

I don’t know how to respond so I just go with a Thanks, and hope he’ll realise that he’s confused me. I try to put it out of my mind, and concentrate on my duties, but the tortoise mystery haunts me all day, and certainly every time I catch a glimpse of Buttercup bulldozing her way around the garden.

In the afternoon, when the sun is still blazing and I’m burned from my sunbathing break, my reverie is interrupted by Caleb calling over the fence.

‘Nemo brought another stick insect into my house this morning, and he keeps leaving centipedes on my bed. I swear, I never saw a bug in my room until you two moved in next door.’

‘How do you know Nemo brought them in? The bugs probably just crawled through your open window.’

‘I’ve seen him doing it.’

‘Circumstantial.’

‘You know how pet groomers use a “trouble bubble” on cats?’ he says, and I shake my head. ‘It’s a plastic, transparent sphere that straps onto their heads, so that they can’t sink their fangs into whoever’s trying to groom them.’

I don’t like where this is going.

‘Okay.’

‘Nemo needs one for everyday life.’

‘Cruel. Absolutely not. Cats hunt things – it’s just who they are.’

‘Then KEEP HIM IN YOUR HOUSE.’

‘Keep the windows shut. If he sees a way in, he’ll take it.’

‘I like the breeze. Tell him to stop killing things.’

‘It’s in his nature,’ I say. ‘It’s instinctive. He can’t help it.’

‘I wouldn’t mind so much if he killed them first, but he keeps bringing in things that are very much alive.’

‘He’s bringing you presents. It means he considers you his friend.’

Caleb’s body language softens, and I can see he secretly likes Nemo.

‘But seriously, I can’t have him in the house, okay? It’s sort of imperative to… my business.’

Imperative seems a bit grand. What business does Caleb have going on inside his house that Nemo could possibly threaten with his insect deliveries? Does he have a secret business partner who’s allergic to cats? Or phobic of anything with an exoskeleton?

‘Fine. I’ll keep him inside for a few days. Whatever.’

He clears his throat. ‘By the way, you were making some weird noises while you were asleep in the garden earlier.’

This is why I don’t like to sunbathe in public. I inevitably drift off and wake up with a snort, in a puddle of drool.

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