Page 105 of One Summer

The receptionist motions to the changing hut.

‘Dry off and then change into the paper pants on the table. You’ll be together in the same room, but there are painted screens that can be moved, if you prefer your privacy.’

‘Paper pants?’ Caleb says, with a disbelieving smile.

‘That’s right,’ she says. ‘Most people prefer them, since they don’t want their own underwear getting dirty.’

‘Hang on, we’re not having spray tans, are we?’ I say. ‘I thought this was the detox package?’

‘No spray tans. We end with a full body massage, but the first treatment is a wrap and then you get clean in the rainforest shower. Basically, a normal shower but outside and very cold.’

‘A wrap? What does that entail?’ Caleb asks suspiciously, seemingly not bothered by the idea of a cold, outdoor shower.

‘It’s nothing to worry about. We’ll take your measurements, wrap you in our special mud-soaked bandages and bind you in clingfilm.’

‘Are you serious?’ Caleb asks, eyes wider than I’ve ever seen them.

‘Yes. You’ll have over-sized shell suits on top, to keep you warm and really get the mud working its magic. As I said, you’ll be in the same room, so you can chat. And I’ll bring a jug of cucumber water in case you’re thirsty.’

Oh god, if I thought the hot tub was excruciating, this will be infinitely worse.

‘When you say you’ll “take our measurements”, what does that mean?’ I ask.

‘We have tape measures, so we’ll do before and afters for hips, waist, chest and thighs.’

‘Why?’ Caleb asks, aghast.

‘It’s an inch-loss wrap,’ the girl says, hesitantly. ‘We document how many inches you’ve lost once we unwrap you.’

‘Nope,’ Caleb says, firmly. ‘I’m out.’

‘You don’t want the treatment?’ the girl asks, sounding surprised. ‘It’s really very relaxing. Why don’t you give it a go? Don’t prejudge it before you’ve tried. You don’t have to be measured… if you’re sensitive about that.’

It’s quite obvious that he’s offended her, and I stifle a smile to see the muted hostility between them.

‘Can we have something else instead of the wrap?’ I say, hoping for something that will put us in separate rooms.

‘I’m afraid not because it’s been paid for, and the mud bandages are already warmed up. Won’t you even try it?’

‘I’d rather go back in the hot tub,’ Caleb says desperately, looking down at his fingers which are deeply pruned. ‘I don’t really fancy the idea of mummification.’

‘I’m going to stay,’ I say, surprising myself. ‘Purely for the comedy value. It sounds terrible, but I’m intrigued, and Betty must have booked this for a reason. She’ll ask how it went. I don’t want to disappoint her. Do you?’

Caleb looks momentarily conflicted, before sighing. ‘No. Bloody hell, my nan is a pain in the arse.’

‘She says the same about you,’ I say, and for the first time since we got here, the stiff awkwardness between us softens.

The receptionist beams, clearly relieved that she’s won the point. ‘Fabulous. Get changed into the paper pants and robes and I’ll wait out here.’

She ushers us into the changing hut, and we turn so that we’re back to back while we step into the deeply unflattering paper pants, which look like giant nappies.

‘I can’t believe we’re actually doing this,’ Caleb huffs.

‘It’s not every day you get to be mummified for free,’ I say. ‘Opportunity has come knocking.’

I quickly put on my robe and when I turn around, Caleb is already wearing his, so I don’t get treated to a view of him in the paper pants, which is a shame.

Outside, the receptionist is still there.

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