Page 11 of Rescuing Carolyn

He went quiet at that, as if I’d said something profound. “I didn’t fit your life, did I?” he asked after a few beats of silence.

“…What?”

“When I was serving. That didn’t fit the life that you wanted, did it?”

“No,” I agreed quietly. “It didn’t.” He looked so hurt at that, and I struggled to find the right words to explain. The last time we’d tried to have this conversation, it had escalated into a fight—the fight that ended our engagement. I didn’t want to fight anymore.

“Two years ago, when we broke up,” he said, “I didn’t really want to hear what you had to say. I was angry and hurting—it made me go into defensive mode. And when I do that, I stop listening to anyone else. But when I talked to Chance, he told me about how things had gone wrong between him and Mandy back in the day. Do you know the story?” I nodded—they’d told me all about it when they’d come in to buy their rings. “He told me how blindsided he was when things fell apart—but that later on, he realized that she’d been trying to tell him what she wanted all along. He just hadn’t wanted to hear it.” He looked up and met my eyes, staring straight into them like he was trying to read my soul. “What were the things you tried to tell me over the years that I refused to hear?”

My heart skipped a beat. It was the question I’d wanted him to ask for so long.

“I…I tried to tell you that I wanted a life with you here. I know how much the Admiral meant to you, so I understood that you and your brothers all wanted to serve—but I thought it would be something you would do for a few years before coming home to build a life with me. We were engaged, we’d talked about starting a family…there was so much I wanted for us to share. And that meant having you around. I didn’t want to do all of that on my own, with you only around for snatches of time. If we were going to make a real commitment to each other, I wanted part of that to be a promise that we’d always come first for each other.”

“You do come first for me,” he said, and my breath caught. Do. Not did, but do. I swallowed hard.

“It didn’t feel that way. Not when your focus was always on the last mission, or the mission you were about to start.

I could see him start to reply—but then he caught himself. After a moment, he nodded slowly.

“I understand,” he said at last. “And I’m so, so sorry I ever made you feel that you weren’t the most important thing in the world to me. It honestly never occurred to me that you would ever doubt that. I wanted to be the best SEAL I could be for you, because I loved you so much and wanted you to be proud of me. Wanted to prove that you’d made the right choice by choosing me.”

Now it was my turn to be surprised. “Of course I was proud of you. But you didn’t have to prove anything to me.”

He gave me a rueful smile. “It felt like I did.”

My stomach sank. “Did I ever make you feel like I thought you weren’t good enough?”

He shook his head rapidly. “Not you. Never you. But we both know that my family didn’t have the best reputation in town. Even after the Admiral took us in, a lot of people looked at me and my brothers and thought that we’d turn out just like our dad. Joining the Navy, becoming a SEAL—those were things I did to prove that I could be like the Admiral, not like my dad. That I could be someone everyone respected. Someone you’d be proud to be with. Being a SEAL was basically the only way I knew how to be a good man.”

I took a minute to process that, then let out a sigh. “I didn’t know that was how you saw it,” I admitted. “I guess you weren’t the only one who wasn’t really listening back then.” I’d been so focused on the idea that he put the military first that I’d never really stopped to figure out why. Hearing his explanation put a lot of things into perspective. “So if that’s how you felt, why did you leave the Navy?”

“It started last Christmas, when I got back from a mission. Colin and Alex were both overseas, you and I were broken up, and it’s not like I had a place here to stay anymore, so I ended up hanging around base with other teammates who didn’t have anywhere to be. And I love spending time with the guys, you know that, but spending the holidays like that just felt so empty. Chance had gotten in touch about his dad and the Admiral, and we were messaging back and forth. Hearing that the Admiral had family, a half-brother that he never told us about, made me really stop and think about how he lived his life. I never really thought about it when I was a kid, but it just seemed to hit me how lonely he must have been. No wife, no kids—except for us, and he didn’t take us in until he was well into his sixties. The military had been his life, and he had an incredible career, but it meant that at the end of the day, he had a big empty house and no one to share it with. I think that’s why he took us in in the first place. We needed him, absolutely, but he needed us, too—and that was something I’d never really realized before. And that’s when I decided.”

“Decided what?”

“That I didn’t want to end up like the Admiral. Much as I still admire him and everything he did, I don’t want to look back in forty years and realize that I’ve had a career instead of having a life. The day after Christmas, I started the paperwork to end my service. I officially mustered out last month.”

It was everything I’d been waiting years for him to realize. Everything I’d given up on hoping he’d ever come to see. But somehow, he had.

“So…where does that leave us?” I managed to ask.

He leaned toward me, his eyes intense, but he didn’t reach out to touch. “That’s up to you,” he said. “It’s been almost two years. I don’t know what your life looks like these days, don’t even know if you’re seeing someone?—”

“I’m not,” I blurted out. “Seeing anyone, that is.”

He looked visibly relieved by that. “Okay, then, I don’t know if you want to be with anyone right now. But if there’s any chance you do, I’m here. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. I still love you just as much as I did the day I asked you to be my wife.”

I couldn’t help flushing at that, remembering his proposal: the moonlight picnic down by the lake, the ring hidden away in the basket. We made love on that picnic blanket, stripped down to bare skin—nothing on me but his ring. It was the happiest night of my life.

“I want the future you imagined for us,” he continued, his voice soft and almost hypnotic. “If it’s not too late.”

It’s not—you’re all I want. The words were on the tip of my tongue…but I didn’t say them. Because they weren’t entirely true. Yes, I still wanted him. Yes, I still dreamed about the life that I’d thought we’d have together. But those dreams had shifted since Austin came into the picture. I couldn’t just make decisions for myself anymore. I had to consider what was best for my son. And for Austin’s sake, I knew we shouldn’t rush this. So much had changed in the past two years. I’d need to see how we fit together as a family before I made any commitments.

But I could give him a little encouragement.

“We’ll need to move slow,” I said. “See how things go with you and Austin—and with you and me. But…I’m willing to try.”

His eyes lit up, a smile on his face more radiant than any I’d ever seen. “Thank you,” he said, so soft, so grateful.

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