Page 88 of Shattered

“What?” Her panicked eyes shoot up to my face and she shakes her head. “No. No. Jason! Where are you?”

“I’m sorry,” I repeat. “So fucking sorry.”

“No.” She tries to pull out of my grasp, but I bring her closer, wrapping my arms around her back. “Let me go! I want to see him,” she cries out, moisture flooding her eyes. “Let me see him!”

“He’s gone, baby.”

She doubles her efforts in trying to get out of my grasp, struggling to hit and shove at me with her arms pressed between us. “No! Let me go. Jason!”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper again, holding her tight.

She screams out, fighting against me while tears stream down her cheeks, absolutely gutting me. But I continue holding on, taking everything that she’s giving. I need to keep it together for her, at least on the outside. She’s falling apart in my arms while my soul falls apart in hers.

“Let me see,” she cries, losing steam but still fighting, and my heart shatters. “Let me see him!”

“I can’t,” I croak out.

“Jason.” She finally stops struggling and breaks into uncontrollable sobs, her legs giving out beneath her. I follow her to the floor, still holding on tight while the two of us collapse into a heap. Tears leak out of my eyes and my chest squeezes unbearably tight.

“Jason,” Sienna cries into my neck, her whole body shaking.

I have no fucking words, not that I think I could speak anymore. My lungs have shrunk so much that it’s hard to breathe. Nothing but a broken sob rips through my throat, and I grip her tighter, holding on for dear life.

Because I know he’s dead because of us.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Neilix

Why is it always fucking cloudy at a funeral? I guess it serves its purpose, adding to the utter devastation and heartbreak everyone is feeling. I release a shaky breath and press further into the tree behind me, angling my head to see the gloomy sky.

The service was beautiful. Everyone always remembers the best things about a person once they’re gone, and so those were the things that were talked about—the good times, the fun times.

Not the fact that he died of a fentanyl overdose.

I sat there with my heart fucking bleeding because, in that moment, I didn’t see all the shit we went through. I didn’t see the troubled man he became after what happened with Jacob. I saw my oldest friend. The one I used to stay up late with, eating junk food. The one who always invited me over because he knew I’d be by myself otherwise. I saw the man who came back and tried to make things right with me. The one who loved and spoiled my son.

I came here earlier than everyone else, choosing to skip the funeral procession. I just needed a moment to myself. My parents came to the service, but they won’t be joining me here. I don’t want them to, anyway. I saw all the vehicles starting to arrive a minute ago, so the area will be filling with people soon enough.

I remain where I am, staring skyward, until I hear the crunch of shoes in front of me. I lower my chin, meeting Sienna’s bloodshot eyes. Dried tear tracks stain each cheek, going right past her usually smiling lips. She’s dressed in all black, including the dark circles under her eyes. There’s nothing bright or sunny about her appearance, making the ache in my chest more intense. I wonder if she feels as guilty as I do just from standing near her at his funeral.

Her mouth opens as if to say something, but nothing comes out. She looks so lost and broken, but so beautiful it hurts. I open my arms for her, and she immediately steps into me, gripping my suit jacket and burying her face into my chest. My arms come around her, and I crush her tight to me, all the while feeling like it may be one of the last times I ever get to do this.

I’ve barely seen her since we found him in his home. Understandably, she’s been staying with her family, grieving together. She told me I could come and be with them, and though the invitation might have been sincere, I didn’t think she actually wanted me there. It didn’t feel right anyway, considering we were the ones who pushed him over the edge.

I took that first week off, and Navi insisted I keep Adi to help keep my head above water. I’m grateful for that.

Pulling back, Sienna looks up at me, her eyes glossed over with tears and grief. Sliding one of her hands to my tie, she fists it tightly as a sob rips through her chest, then she’s yanking my head down by the fabric, bringing my mouth to hers for a fierce kiss. I slide my tongue in to mix with hers, feeling as desperate as she is to feel something other than this shattering pain. Her free hand reaches up to thread into my hair, and I welcome the sting of her trying to pull me closer—as if she’s trying to climb inside me.

I claw at her, devouring everything she’s giving me, all while she continues to cry. After one final tug of my tie, I separate myself from her, breathing hard.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, then reaches up to swipe some moisture off my cheek. I’m not sure if it’s from her or me.

Shaking my head, I grab that same hand and kiss her fingers, holding them there for seconds too long. Slowly releasing them, I say, “You better get back to your family.”

She dips her chin once, taking a slow step back. “Yeah.”

Her gaze lingers on my broken soul like she’s taking me in one last time. I don’t know how we could ever be together after this. We part ways, her returning to her family and hugging her younger sister, and me standing on the other side of the casket beside Harley, who came to support me, and Campbell, who I’m surprised is here. We haven’t talked yet, both of us wrapped up in our thoughts and processing. I don’t even know if he notices me standing next to him.

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