Page 40 of Shattered

“Sienna?” The rumble of his voice travels over my skin, and I realize even that has gotten deeper.

His jaw is also more pronounced, and the muscle in the side shifts as if he just clenched his teeth. I remember slapping that jaw, but I gained no satisfaction from it at the time.

Those once golden-brown eyes have dulled, as well. I doubt he’s been stuck on things from the past like I have, so I wonder what exactly it was that diluted the color.

Time stretches on, with neither of us speaking another word since he uttered my name, and then finally, I find my voice. “Um. Can I maybe come in?”

I see the indecision on his face, and I’m surprised that he’s actually contemplating turning me away. I don’t think the old Neilix would have ever done that, but he’s not the old Neilix.

After a moment, he wordlessly steps back and makes room for me to enter, and the relief that rushes up from my stomach eases the sudden tension in my shoulders. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he would be hesitant. I suddenly turn up after four years and ask to come in—that’s not exactly normal. But here he is, letting me in after I shut him out.

As I pass him, I catch the scent of his cologne. It’s different from what he used to wear, a touch spicier, but there is still an undertone that’s the same—something that’s uniquely him.

My palms are sweaty, and I discreetly rub them down the front of my jeans while taking in the living room his front door opened into. Some toys lay scattered about the otherwise clean area, and a fish tank sits atop a table, with a dozen or so little fish swimming around.

When I turn to face him, I catch his eyes doing a quick sweep of my body before landing on my face. I know I’ve changed, too, no longer the same sixteen-year-old girl I was when he last saw me.

“It’s been a while.” My voice is light and casual. Meanwhile, a thousand emotions are simmering under the surface.

“It has,” he replies slowly, a crease forming on his forehead as he folds his arms across his chest. “And if I recall correctly, you said you never wanted to see me again.”

“Yes, well, you did hurt me.” There’s a bite to my words I didn’t intend on, but I can’t take it back now.

Neilix runs a hand through his light brown hair and adjusts his glasses, one of his many little mannerisms that I hate to admit I’ve missed.

“I already tried apologizing to you back then. I freaked out and made a huge mistake. I’m sorry I hurt you, I really am. But I wouldn’t change it now that I have my son. Did you come here to rehash the past?”

A heavy exhale leaves my chest. “No. I didn’t. I'm sorry.” I pick up a little stuffy from the couch and turn it over in my hands. I wouldn't want him to change anything, either.

“So, what exactly are you doing here, then?”

What am I doing here? I came here with all this determination to what? Say hello? Make sure he’s not happy? Check if he’s been thinking about me as I have with him, even when I haven’t wanted to?

At one point, I had this asinine thought that maybe if we slept together, I could finally move on. I thought an emotionless, no-strings-attached encounter would release me from this ridiculous tether I have to him. That idea had come to me after a few too many margaritas. But I admit, even when the alcohol was no longer making its way through my bloodstream, I didn’t immediately dismiss the idea, as ridiculous as it was.

So, why am I here again?

The more I look at his handsome face, with the shadows behind his eyes and unsmiling lips, the less certain I am about anything.

“I’m not sure,” I admit.

Ever since I went to the bar with Jason, I’ve had this itchy, nagging feeling nipping at the back of my mind, and I haven’t been able to shake it.

The frown that’s been present on Neilix’s face since I arrived deepens, and his lips press together.

“You’re not sure?” He nods slowly. “Well, let me know when you figure it out.” He turns and walks through a doorway, leaving me standing there.

It takes me a second to recover, momentarily trapped in a state of disbelief that he would just walk away from me. I glance around the room, unsure if he expects me to leave or if I’m supposed to stay.

I eventually decide to follow him and walk through the same door he went, because how could he just walk away like that? Only I don’t get very far and end up bouncing off a solid wall. I blink a few times, the view of Neilix’s chest coming into focus, and I realize I walked right into him as he was returning to the room with a basket balanced on his hip.

“Sorry. I thought you left me there.”

I feel the slide of something across my hip and look down in time to see him pulling his hand away and stepping back. He must have steadied me and kept me from falling over.

Neilix maneuvers the basket to sit in front of him. “I was just grabbing this.”

Brushing past me, he starts picking up some of the toys on the ground, placing them all into the basket, and then deposits the basket in the corner of the room, all while ignoring me. Once he’s finished, he turns and folds his arms across his chest, his impassive face and looming appearance making me want to shrink away. Was he always this tall?

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