Page 92 of Shattered

Neilix

The car ride back to my place is quiet. On the outside, I appear calm and put together, but on the inside, I’m a chaotic mess. The adrenaline makes my body feel shaky and wired, and my mind is tumbling around with a million different thoughts. Sienna doesn’t move a muscle, but silent tears trickle down her face.

Once we make it inside my home, I can’t hold it in anymore. “What the fuck were you doing there? What would possibly possess you to go to a party like that?”

She drops to the couch, eyes on the ground. “I don’t know.”

I huff a sound of disbelief. “You don’t know?”

“I just . . . I just wanted to feel close to him.”

“By going down the same fucking path of parties and drugs?”

Her features morph into anger, and she’s on her feet in front of me in the next second, her posture defensive. “I wasn’t planning on taking anything! I just wanted to feel like I was near him or something, maybe talk to his friends, I don’t know.” She throws her hands up. “But it only made me feel worse.”

I pull my glasses off and rub a hand over my face. “I understand you wanting to feel close to him, I do. But if you need someone to talk to, talk to me.”

“How?” she yells. “How am I supposed to do that when you have guilt swimming in your eyes whenever you look at me? How, when I look at you, I’m reminded that my love for you cost my brother his life. And then I hate him a little because, how dare he be that fucking selfish and take that away from us. Then I hate myself for thinking that of him because he’s dead. And it’s a vicious circle I can’t escape from.” She’s crying again, her eyes lowered, and my heart feels like it’s taken a beating after what she just said. “I blame myself for what happened.”

Shaking my head, I drop both arms to my sides, leaving my glasses dangling from my fingers. “Blame me.” Her eyes lift to connect with mine. “Blame me. Hate me. Whatever you need to do to help yourself move on.”

She huffs a derisive sound and turns away from me. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you too much!”

My shoulders deflate as a defeated sigh pours from my lips and my gaze drops to the ground, not even sure how to respond. I’m exhausted and emotionally drained.

After a moment of silence, her soft voice reaches me again. “You’re hurt.”

I follow her line of sight to my hand and notice a few of my knuckles are busted. I’m sure it’ll start hurting any minute now that the adrenaline is leaving my body.

I don’t care, though. It was worth it.

“It’s fine,” I reply with a sigh. “Look, it’s been a long day for you, so you’re staying the night. You should try to get some sleep. You can either have Adi’s bed, or you can stay in mine, and I’ll sleep in his.”

Her sad eyes land on the fish tank, and she watches the fish swimming around before answering, “I’ll stay in his bed.”

I dip my chin in acknowledgment and then make sure she has some fresh sheets and a pillowcase for his bed. Then I tend to my hand and brush my teeth. After an awkward goodnight, I get into bed, and end up just lying there, staring at the ceiling. Even if I hadn’t fallen asleep on the couch earlier, I don’t think I’d be able to sleep with Sienna so close, yet a world away.

Time passes, maybe an hour, maybe three, but I don’t bother checking my phone or getting up. Thoughts keep assaulting me, keeping my mind wide awake.

At some point, the sound of my door creaking open pulls my attention to the doorway, where I can just make out Sienna’s dark figure. A moment later, she’s crossing the room and sliding into my bed, her warm body curling up against mine while her hand caresses the bare skin of my chest. I hug her close to me with her face pressed into my neck, her breaths teasing my skin.

It’s the sweetest torture.

But if she needs this comfort from me under the cloak of darkness, I’ll happily suffer through it. We’re silent, my hand brushing over her hip, while hers does the same on my chest. But then her hand starts dipping lower, running over my abs and trailing the line of my boxer briefs.

I don’t stop her.

Because as much as I know this is only likely to make things harder, I selfishly want the temporary relief from the mental darkness. I want to drown in the pleasure she fills me with between her thighs, if only for tonight. I want to feel connected to her, even if that connection is laced in sadness.

“I need you,” she whispers.

I release her hip to angle her face toward me and then take her mouth. Her reaction is instant, her tongue dipping in to meet mine while her hand pushes into my boxer briefs to wrap around my cock and stroke me. At the same time, she swings a leg over mine, pressing her heat against my thigh.

The kiss intensifies, and we become a tangled mess of groping hands and desperate bodies, longing to get closer, but never getting close enough.

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