Page 59 of It Must Be Love

We went into my bedroom, and Amias sat up on my bed, resting against my headrest, his ankles crossed. He'd taken his shoes off and looked relaxed while I felt gauche standing in front of him.

"This is uncomfortable," I told him.

"I'm enjoying myself," he grinned. "Now, let's get this show on the road so we can eat dessert."

I almost didn't have the courage to do it, but I was more afraid of pursuing a relationship with him, getting attached, and then having him ghost me because he didn't want to have sex with me. This way, maybe we could at least be friends. He'd never want me or love me the way I needed him to, the way I wanted and loved him—but he'd be in my life.

Everyone could call it a crush; I could call it that, but the truth was that I was in love with Amias. I lived for sightings of him at work. I loved watching him interact with people at work. I loved how he was easygoing and wished he could be like that with me. I loved how smart he was about business. I loved…how he looked and how he sounded; how he smelled. I was a stupid teenager who just never grew up when it came to Amias.

"Hey, don't do that," he ordered.

"Do what?" I asked. I couldn't look at him, so I was staring at my ballet flats, wondering why I was even putting myself through this.

I knew why. If I didn't do it I'd always wonder what if; but if I did, then I'd know I never ever had a chance with him. I also needed to do this for myself—to show myself that I could for just a second not be a coward.

"Go inside your head. Come on, eyes on me."

I lifted my face and looked at him. He smiled. "You have the juiciest lips. I keep thinking of how good your mouth will look around my cock."

I looked at his crotch and then back into his eyes in panic when I saw the bulge.

"Yeah, I'm hard," he chuckled. "Hard not to be when you're standing there, getting ready to take your clothes off for me."

I removed my ballet flats as I watched him, focusing only on him so I would see the instant his hard-on disappeared, the moment he went from interested to disgusted.

I remembered the first time Nolan had seen me after I was back from the hospital. I was in my room in a t-shirt and panties, looking for my jeans in the closet, when he walked into my room. He looked at my legs and said, "That's…horrifying, Naya. I…." He had the decency to stop talking after that and walked out of the room.

Kara had seen them by accident when she walked into the single bathroom in my father's place while I was coming out of the shower. She screeched and then said, "No wonder you don't date."

Outside of the hospital staff, my father and Darren, only Nolan and Kara had seen the aftermath of the accident on my skin. I had no doubt about how Amias would react.

I untied one bow on one shoulder, feeling tremendously sad. It had been such a nice dinner. It had been just like I'd dreamed. Amias was funny and fun, charming and flirtatious. I'd been the center of his attention. I was not sitting in a corner, hiding. If we dated, that could be my every day until we broke up. For whatever time we'd have together, it would be amazing.

I held the bodice of the dress and untied the second bow. I'd worn a strapless skin-colored bra and matching panties. This was not lingerie but sensible underwear I bought at Uniqlo.

I couldn't look at him, I finally decided. I couldn’t see the disgust on his face. That would break my heart. I'd just let him see, and he'd walk out, and then…I'd slip into something old and comfy.

Naya, this is going to take a minute, maybe less. Just do it, girlfriend. Just do it!

I let the dress fall at my feet, closed my eyes, and waited for my bedroom door to close behind Amias.

I heard him get up from the bed, and my heart hammered hard before I knew it would break. It was so unfair that I'd had to not just have the accident, but I had to live with it every day, every minute, every hour. Tears started to leak out of my closed eyes.

"Shh, baby. No. Don't cry." I felt him wipe my tears, but I didn't open my eyes. I was too afraid.

I shivered when I felt his hands on my thighs, stroking down my legs. Why was he touching me? No one ever had. No one but I had touched my scars.

"Oh, baby."

My eyes snapped open when I felt his lips against my thigh. He was on his knees in front of me, kissing the hideous puckered skin.

"Oh, baby. I'm so sorry that this happened to you."

I choked. "Pretty ugly, right?"

"No, baby. Not ugly. I just…." He kissed down my leg, his hands now cupping my ass. "I can't imagine how painful this must've been."

He looked at me, and tears were streaming down his face. I brushed my tears off because I was sure my mind was playing tricks on me.

---