Page 54 of The Queen's Denial

My father blinks at me, looks over at Andy’s retreating form, and then back to me. “I believe it is more than that. For both of you.”

I have no idea what to say or how to react. Should I deny it? Should I confess? What is he expecting me to do? Should I find a way to convince us both that this is no big deal?

“I’m sure Daiki told you about Andy and me at the mansion a few weeks ago. We were very… obvious. But you know how I live, Papa. We are having fun with each other.”

He eyes me sternly again, and I know he sees right through me. “It is more than that, Chichi. You are still lying to me.”

I gulp and finally decide it’s time to shut my mouth.

Keeping quiet for too long gives him my answer by default. He sighs. “Chichi, this will not be tolerated. And you have your second meeting with Asuka tomorrow. This behavior must be stopped.”

I grit my teeth and look off like a petulant child. But it really isn’t fair. Does my father think I’ll never have a lover if I hate my husband? I’m certain my father has had one or two over the years. But I suppose that isn’t quite the same, as he and my mother split up so long ago.

Not for the first time, I wish I knew more about their relationship. Were they ever happy? Were they ever in love? I suppose I’ve never actually seen a functional marriage at work. Some of my friends’ parents seem to like each other, at least, but I’m not close enough to any of them to really know if they love each other or how that relationship works.

In the end, it almost seems impossible that people can love each other for so long. That people don’t get sick of your body and your mind. That they don’t focus on the negatives to such an extent that you become somewhat meaningless and unattractive to them. And then you get old and less attractive, anyway. And as often happens, I see my life played out for me this way, and just like that, I accept my fate, like I always end up doing.

The truth is, I know that I’ve never had control. But maybe we all think we have choices when we really don’t. Perhaps that reality is the same for us all: that we love hard and sweetly, and once that fades and wanes, we get old and wish for those younger years back.

Maybe that would happen even if I did have a choice. Even if I could choose Andy, I tell myself, trying to find some comfort. But something about that doesn’t ring true to me. Something about it feels off.

I sigh out all of my wishes, my hopes, and my heart’s desires, and I grit my teeth harder. “Yes, father. Of course.”

I wait for him to dismiss me, praying he’ll do so quickly. I feel his harsh gaze for a moment, but something seems to soften in the air between us the longer he stares. His energy shifts just a bit, but enough to tell me that he’s trying to find some kind of middle ground between us. This shocks me so much that I blink up at him hesitantly, wondering if I’m misreading his body language. But the further into this moment I get, the more I feel it.

“Father?” I ask expectantly.

“Chichi. You must… I didn’t want you to do this.”

I expected him to be angry, but I didn’t expect him to be disappointed. That tone in his voice is so much worse than anger. So much worse than a simple command. I can’t stand feeling an ounce of my father’s distress. He never shows it to anyone, and I don’t know why it’s there right now. Am I causing this? My father doesn’t get disappointed. He doesn’t feel pain. He is fearsome and hard, and he rules with an iron fist. I never want to see him troubled, especially over something I’ve done.

“I’m sorry, Oto-san.” I don’t know what else I can possibly say, and I hope this will pacify him.

Finally, he pulls himself up, straightens his spine, and becomes the scary paternal figurehead that I’ve always clung to. “You should be, Chichi. It won’t happen again. Correct?”

I almost sigh in relief. This is a tone I am accustomed to from him. “No, father. It won’t happen again.”

Chapter 28

Andy

Chi and I have a regular night, carefully skirting the topic of what happened earlier.The elephant in the room is that her father knows about the depth of our relationship, and while he hasn’t seemed to forbid it, he’s made it clear in some way that he doesn’t approve. I don’t know how Chi feels about it, but she lets me in and we fuck, so who am I to question it?

But things feel off. There’s some kind of deficiency — a distance between us that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s in the shortness of her answers, and the fact that she turns her back quicker than usual while we’re lying together before shutting off the lights. But I’ve already told her how I feel about her. I made it clear this morning, and there’s not much more to say. All I can think to do is let her work through this on her own.

I’m in the guard house early the next morning when Akio comes to see me. I can tell from his demeanor, stiff and unyielding, that this will not be a fun conversation. “I must speak with you alone, Andy.” At least he uses my name. It appears that he’s not about to pound me into the ground, so that’s heartening.

I’m further surprised when he leads me out of the guardhouse and into the sunroom off his wing of the mansion. It’s set up with a pot in front of his chair and a steaming cup of coffee in front of mine.

“Have a seat, Andy.”

I follow his order out of respect, even though I know things are about to get weird between the two of us. He steps up to his own, seeming jovial, but doing things a tad too deliberately, pulling out his chair slowly. Checking that the beverages are hot enough. Easing down with exaggerated care into his seat, staring at me the entire time.

I will be respectful, but I won’t be cowed. I stare stolidly back into his gaze.

“You have gotten to know my daughter quite well, haven’t you, Mr. Scutari?”

He’s not pulling any punches. There’s no reason for me to do so, either. He knows his daughter is no virgin angel. Her extracurricular activities are well known to the staff, and it’s clear based on the things he has said to us, to him as well.

---