Page 66 of The Queen's Denial

“Well, I meant it, Chi. I am not the enemy.”

With that, I head outside to try and find a different place to watch from afar, telling myself that I’m done. Although this is my job, I’m going to stop the fixations on Chi-related intel. And that’s exactly what I do once I get back to my van.

Chapter 35

Chi

It’s been exactly three days since Andy has come into my mansion again, leaving less than an hour later. There are two days until I’ll be on a plane to Japan, shipped off to marry, and await the day that I come into power with my nerdy, clumsy, socially inept husband by my side.

When I saw Andy step into the mansion from the grounds, my heart dropped into my stomach. I know Andy doesn’t want to go to Japan — that there is nothing there for him except me. I understand that even just asking him to go was completely out of line and that I shouldn’t hope for it — shouldn’t even think about it.

But I was still dreaming that he was going to see my father about it. Like every stupid, lovesick girl, I wondered if he simply couldn’t stay away after seeing me at the wedding.

I’ve given up on that by now, though. The idea that Andy came to declare his love for me — to be my knight in shining armor and paramour in Japan — might be romantic, but it’s completely unrealistic. I’m too fucking old to believe in fairytales. In fact, as much as I love them, I never really believed in them anyway.

I guess there was a time when I daydreamed about having a life like the old legends of the knights of the roundtable, but I know now that love and relationships aren’t really like that. When they say, “They lived happily ever after,” they don’t really fucking know. No one lives happily ever after, as if they never have a hardship for the rest of their lives. It’s a beautiful struggle — a constant push and pull, heartbreak and happiness all at the same time.

With the days I have left, my comforts are eating my favorite foods, prepared by the chef we’ve employed for over half my life, and spending time in the library. Walking past my father’s study on my way there one night, I hear his voice drift toward me.

He has left the door open again. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s on purpose at this point. I used to be excited to listen in on his conversations, but it’s become pretty anticlimactic for me lately. Mostly because I know that soon I’m the one who is going to have to decide what to do about everything. Instead of listening behind closed doors and wanting to know more that my father doesn’t want to tell me, I will have to hear these truths, whether I like it or not.

But I listen anyway, if only out of principle. “She must be ready, Daiki-san. There will be no backing down from this. It is important that she take this next step.”

Daiki is in Japan, but he is supposed to be coming back here to accompany my father and me on our trip. I’m not sure why, but my father seems to like to have him around when we travel. Secretly, I think it’s because he’s afraid of flying and likes to have his best childhood friend nearby to fly with him.

“Asuka-san will never stand against her. He will not overshadow her. She has made an auspicious choice.”

Part of me wishes I knew what Daiki was saying on the other end of the line, and part of me thinks that maybe it’s better that I don’t know. If he’s talking about how I’m not ready to lead or marry, it might crack this thin veneer of confidence I’ve been projecting.

My father is the one who has always pushed this. All I want is to be ready. I’m not sure of another path for me. If my father questions this choice now, I will do worse. It will break my thin resolve. And then where will I be? Where will either of us be? We can’t back out of our agreement, in any case. I don’t think we have any other choice but to be ready.

My father lowers his voice even more, so that I have to walk a few steps closer to his door and strain to hear him. Although I kind of hate this conversation, I feel the need to listen, as if it’s a train wreck I can’t look away from. “You know of the reasons we must make these decisions, my friend. You know we need to unite her with someone of his standing. She is too American. I do not believe they will accept her. We must do this.”

My father lets out a long sigh, as if from relief, as Daiki presumably speaks again. His demeanor changes when he speaks next: less of the uncharacteristic apprehension I just heard, and more of the conviction I’m used to. “Of course it will be fine, Daiki. She will be, as well. It will all work out.”

As my father hangs up the phone and I tiptoe past his study to the library, I try to tamp down the fear of the unknown that seems to not only plague me but my father as well. Either way though, the conversation I just overheard simply instills further in me one basic truth: it doesn’t matter whether or not I’m ready or whether I wish I didn’t have to go yet to Japan. I have no choice. And as much as I think I want a choice… I don’t. I’m glad that my father has made the hardest ones for me.

*****

That night, my father comes into the library, startling me with his nearness when I finally notice him. He never comes in here, which likely means it’s serious. In fact, it’s definitely serious. My father is always fucking serious.

I incline my head in respect without making eye contact. “Good evening, Oto-san.”

“Good evening, my daughter,” he says in Japanese. Yes, definitely a serious conversation. “I’ve come to speak to you about the upcoming two weeks.”

Over the next two weeks in Japan, I will be getting ready to be a wife, making meetings with our families, and following Japanese customs. I swallow thickly. “Yes, Oto-san.”

He takes a deep breath, shifting his feet. Rarely — very, very rarely — this has been a sign of indecision from him. I know it, but can’t fathom it having any place in this conversation, so I ignore it entirely.

“Are you ready to leave in three days?”

I keep my gaze averted, but do not hesitate. “Of course, father.”

“Good. Good girl, Chichi-chan.” My father takes an uncharacteristically deep breath in. “You have always been such a good girl. Always brought pride to your family. Always followed the path set out for your life.”

I nearly look up at him in confusion, but drop my eyes again just in time. My father is never so open in his approval. Most of the time, he’s only expressing displeasure. “Of course, father. It’s expected. And you have let me live my life. I’ve had a good one.”

My father seems to sigh all of his breath out before he answers. “You speak as though it’s ending, Chichi. You have so much ahead of you. You will have new adventures.”

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