Page 42 of The Queen's Denial

She gives me a melancholy half-smile. “You really want to know?” She looks down at her clasped hands in her lap. “I’m thinking about the real world. Going back into it.”

I chuckle. “I think you’re the only person who’s ever spoken about leaving this place in such a wistful tone.”

She gives another half-smile, but doesn’t laugh. “I know it’s not exactly the most beautiful place. But it’s… our place to me now. I can… act in a way here that I can’t… out there.”

This admission falls over the room like a heavy blanket, coating everything that might come next with a meaning I’m not sure I even fully grasp. This seems like a pivotal moment for us, and I find that instead of backing away or making a joke, I want to lean into it and dig deep to see what I’ll find.

I shuffle over to where Chi sits and take the chair across from her, making the decision to grasp her hand in mine. I don’t say anything, because I can simply sense that she wants to say more, and I don’t want to ruin it. So I let it come.

“Andy, I… really care about you. If we were different… if we lived a different life, I think this would have a shot. I know you realize that, too. This thing we have… it could really be something.”

Everything in me wants to agree, but I'm wary. Can I be certain she’s going where I think she is with this? “Sure. Maybe. What’s the point of wondering about it, though?”

I can tell now that she’s starting to get emotional by the small downturn of her lips right in the corners. She looks down again at our entwined hands, as if ashamed by her lack of control. “Maybe there isn’t one. But maybe there is. Maybe it would be even better if we acknowledged it. If we acknowledged how good we could be together. No holds barred.”

I think it over for a minute, turning it over in my mind, before looking back at her. “Do you really want to do that? I’m not sure it would be a great idea for either of us, but especially you. I know you’ve begun your Omiai, Chi. I’m not stupid.”

The mention of the archaic arranged marriage process she must take part in seems to break the thin control she has over holding back her tears. A fat droplet falls onto our tanged flingers and she lets out a small sob. “I had a feeling you knew,” she whispers, clenching my hand to hers. “I’ll be fine. I think it would be worse for me if we didn’t try this, honestly. I’d always be wondering.”

Keeping her one hand clasped in mine, I reach up with my other to cup her cheek. She leans over to meet it, giving in for once, despite the painful vulnerability this shows. She’s allowing me to peel away this barrier she’s always had up, if only just a little. I want to let go of my own reservations, too.

“So… you want to be… together. Like more than casual friends who have sex?” I caress her cheek and she leans further into it.

“Yeah, I guess,” she says, with a slight hiccup. “I want more. If only for a short amount of time.”

I sigh as I wipe her tears away before grazing her jawbone with my knuckles. She’s a purring kitten in my hands.

“You’re lucky you’re cute, Chee-chee. You’ve got a deal.”

Chapter 20

Andy

Chi and I leave the compound, finally, after what feels like weeks but has actually only been a few days. After a lot of threatening on my part, she’s allowed to wear the blindfold and noise-cancelling headphones as we are chauffeured back to the mansion in an inconspicuous black SUV.

As soon as we get back to the real world, I dive right into work, although everyone remarks on the new scar down my face and the lag in my step. I try to make it so it’s not totally obvious that I can’t run without ripping a bunch of stitches.

Chi does successfully close shop and gives me nothing but pecks on the cheek. I try to smother her cries and make some moves, but she nearly does the three smacks in a row on multiple occasions, and I stop before she gets the chance. I wasn’t lying about what I said to her in the hospital; if she uses that signal, I really will stay away from her for longer than she’d probably like.

When Cas gets out of the hospital, I go see if he and Mara are okay. I give a rundown of everything that’s happened and then leave them to their little life. They need a break, if any couple ever needed one. I owe Cas a lot, and even Mara, for teaching him to be a real human instead of some sociopathic killing machine. I’m going to take over what I need to and let them have some time to themselves.

A couple of weeks pass, while Chi makes me watch some fucking Star Wars spinoff show on Disney+ with that weird little “Baby Yoda” thing. “Or Grogu, if you wanna be a stuck-up a-hole about it,” she tells me while I lie on her bed questioning what kind of magical technology they could’ve used to make a walking, talking version of 30-year-old Luke Skywalker from 50 years ago. I need to remember to ask Oxy about it next time I talk to her.

But we do more than watch TV. I sleep with her cuddled up to me each night. My toothbrush ends up in her bathroom. I have a whole drawer in her dresser filled with boxers and t-shirts. I’m sure her father sees it when she pulls me behind her favorite cherry blossom tree one day as I walk to the guard house, although he says nothing about it. We’re not even having sex, but we’re… together. We’re always together.

And finally, I barge into her room one night, weeks later, done with her pushing me off. “That’s it, Ms. Yan. You’re in trouble now.”

I’m decked out in my full military regalia, complete with every decoration I’ve ever been awarded. I’ve never used my uniform to get a girl into bed, but I have to admit to myself that I’m desperate at this point. And judging from the way Chi’s bottom lip drops open and her entire body deflates with her long exhale as soon as she catches sight of me, I think it’s probably working.

I rummage through the drawer I’ve seen her grab all of her underwear out of for the last two weeks, and I find a matching hot red lacy bra and panty set. It’ll do nicely. I throw it at her, but she doesn’t even seem to notice, and it hits her chest gently and falls to her lap as she stares.

“All right, Miss Yan. Don’t make me write you up for bad behavior. You know what I want; let’s go.”

She seems to snap out of it a moment later when she blinks down at the underwear I’ve thrown at her, trying to put together what I’m asking her to do. I know I’ve got her, so I don’t mind toying with her a little now.

“I… I don’t know if we should—”

“Ms. Yan, don’t even let the end of that sentence leave your mouth. You know what the penalty is for insubordination. You can either be a good girl and put that underwear on, or I can shove them into your mouth and duct tape it closed. Your choice.”

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