Page 26 of The Queen's Denial

“Of course I’m still here, Chee-chee.”

I sniffle into his shirt and sigh. Why does he make me so exhausted? “You say it as if it’s a given. As if… as if you’ll just always be around. As if you want to be here when I’m like this.”

He doesn’t move my face to his, just continues to drag his fingers lightly through my hair. “I do want to be here. There are a lot of reasons, but the main one, of course, is…”

I tense up. He can’t say what I think he’s about to say. I’m about to be married off, and no matter how much I’d like to just float away like a speck of dust in the universe, I know I can’t escape that fate.

“Because you’re super drunk,” he says, finally holding me at arm’s length and smiling into my face. “And I kind of like you, so I don’t want you crashing your beautiful face — I mean, Corvette — into a tree.”

I can’t help but laugh and punch his shoulder. He catches my fist and pulls me closer, stealing a kiss before I push away from him. “I’m serious about what I said before,” I tell him with narrowed eyes. “You’re not getting any tonight.”

He shrugs. “That’s cool. I don’t take advantage of drunk girls. It’s not my style.”

I punch him again. “Ow. Jesus, woman. You’re a lot stronger than you look.”

I lean into him and laugh, allowing him to escort me to the car.

Chapter 12

Andy

There’s more to Chi’s outburst tonight than she’s telling me, but as she passes out hard on the drive home and sleeps right through me unclipping her seat belt, I realize that I won’t be getting answers about it right now. And if I don't get any answers tonight, while she’s drunk as hell and more likely to spill some tiny part of her soul to me, I’m probably not going to get anything out of her ever. I think I can guess that it has to do with her future responsibilities in the Yakuza, but I don’t want to be presumptuous.

Still, I’m dying to know what’s bugging her, which is a clear indication to me that whatever is going on between us is strong. I know it’s got some hold on her the way it’s got a hold on me. Our chemistry is insane; just a smoldering look from her sets everything in my body on fire.

But there is something more than that with us. I would never hug a girl who was yelling at me and pushing me away under normal instances, like I did earlier tonight. With Chi, it wasn’t even a choice, but something I really felt I had to do. It bothers me to think I might have overreacted. It bothers me even more that I’m pretty sure Chi was right; I might have been jealous.

I sigh as I pull her up from the car seat. She clings to me without even opening her eyes. I know she’s drunk, but I would expect her to at least open her eyes and look around for a second. I love that she doesn’t. I love that she just puts her arms around me and fits herself right into mine.

This might be a problem. This… whatever it is between us that I’m not ready to face.

I know Chi has these archaic Yakuza commitments around marriage and duty that I'll never be able to fulfill. I can’t follow her around forever. She’s going to be expected to marry and have heirs, and I have a job and a life managing Cas’s organization from the sidelines. Yes, we’re specks of dust in the universe, but people expect us little specks of dust to do things. Things that don’t make a goddamn difference before we die and everyone forgets who we are anyway, but they do expect it. I want Chi to find peace in her decisions, but I know why she feels she can’t take another path. I can’t separate myself from the path I’ve set out, either.

I get her into her bedroom and try to lay her down, but she won’t let me go. She snuggles up so tight that I have to pry her hands off my shirt. The movement wakes her up, and she lets go, seeming embarrassed.

“Are you leaving?” she asks, biting her lip.

I want to stay. Why the fuck do I always want to stay? “I have to, babe. Duty calls.”

She turns red in the cheeks, embarrassed for even asking the question, but to my surprise keeps pushing. “You know, everyone needs to sleep. And bonus, it’s really warm and cozy in this bed with two people in it.”

All that does is remind me that I’m not the first person to sleep in this bed with her, and I won’t be the last. “I have a warm and cozy bed too, Chi. I’m good.”

Her cheeks heat further, but she just shrugs and turns away from me, hugging her pillow. “Suit yourself.” She closes her eyes and turns over, and as much as I don’t want to leave, I know that’s my cue.

“Goodnight Chee-chee.”

There’s no answer, and a moment later, I hear a soft sleep sigh. At least she’s not that broken up about sleeping alone. Hopefully, tomorrow morning, she won’t even remember asking. And she won’t remember me turning her down.

*****

The next day, it’s as though nothing ever happened. Chi is in rare form, as she calls me to her room by contacting the guard house and yelling at one of my men to tell me that she needs me urgently. When I get to her room, she’s dressed in another, far skimpier schoolgirl outfit than the day before, and things devolve quickly into harsh fucking after she reaches into the inner pocket of my jacket, finds the horn-rimmed glasses, and puts them on my face.

She seems restless afterwards. It’s not really my place to question why she might be acting this way, what big events might be happening in her life, or how she feels she has to handle them. The fact is, we have lives and shit to do that don’t include each other. I know her future can’t include me anyway, and honestly, I’m not sure how much space mine has for her either.

It appears that something inside of me has a hard time with these restrictions. As we lie in her bed directly after sex, since she won’t tell me what’s bothering her, a different invasive question pops out of me. “What exactly does Daiki do for your father?”

Her eyes dart to mine and squint in curiosity, likely as to why I’m asking, but she answers anyway. “He’s been my father’s right hand man since my father was fourteen and Daiki was sixteen years old. Now he’s sort of like my father’s counterpart in Japan. That’s why he’s there so often. He comes to America for short trips and stays in Japan for longer durations, and my father stays in America more often with only short stints in Japan. They’ve been friends their entire lives. More like brothers, I think. Which makes sense, because Daiki is like an uncle to me.”

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