Page 14 of The Queen's Denial

Mara bursts out laughing. “Only you would be able to make me laugh while Cas is passed out on a hospital bed next to us with a deadly infection.” She thinks for a minute. “So, all you care about is ‘getting it in,’ huh?”

I shrug. “I’m pretty sure that’s all either of us care about.”

Mara studies me for too long, and I have the urge to squirm, but I keep it together. “Mhmm. You both just want to have sex and then say goodbye, never to play chess, watch superhero movies, or go on adventures together again.” She sounds skeptical.

“Yeah, Mara. I mean, obviously. What did you think, we were just gonna drop everything and fall in love, like you and Cas?”

Now it’s Mara’s turn to scoff. “Well, I mean… no. I don’t… I don’t know.” There’s a long silence that I let her sit and stew in before she finally blurts out a mostly unrelated observation. “You guys are cute. But you’re both so in need of control. That’ll be a fun pairing.”

I shrug. “It’ll be whatever it’ll be.”

Mara smiles. “You don’t even know what you’re in for.”

Chapter 7

Chi

There has been no word from Andy since he left to help Mara with Cas, and I know I won’t get any answers from the guards if I ask about him, so I don’t bother. Instead, I do things to keep my mind off of the entire situation.

I look down at my full set of knives in their protective case on the shelf. I don’t take knife-throwing classes anymore, but I still love the feeling of the blade leaving my hand and hitting my target, so I go to the sparring room and do some target practice. The thought that Andy wouldn’t like me doing anything that could be considered exercise flits through my mind, but I swat the thought away like a fly in my ear.

My father is finally home from the hospital now, but as usual, he gives me a curt hello and accepts my welcome home before holing up in his office for the rest of the day. I find that I really want to talk to him though, so I get him his evening tea myself.

“Chichi-chan, you shouldn’t be up and walking about,” he admonishes me. “There are others who can do this for me.”

Like me, he has continued to insist that he can get up and move around whenever he wants. But I know he’s hurting, and I know that the multiple bullet wounds he’s suffered have left a mark on him, just as the past couple of weeks have left their mark on me.

We won’t talk about it, of course. There is no such thing as “trauma” in this family. Even if there were, it’s not a word we have background vocabulary for, and we don’t want background vocabulary for it. It’s better to leave things in the past, where they belong. Onward and upward.

I place his tea before him, then sit on the other side of the desk with my hands in my lap. “I’m fine, father. And I’m also not a child. I know when I’m pushing myself too much, trust me.”

My father looks at me in admonishment. “You’ve always spoken too freely, my daughter. Perhaps that’s my fault. But no matter; there’s nothing we can do about that now. Still, I do worry about you. An incident like the one that just occurred makes a person very aware of their mortality. I nearly died, and while I’m happy to have gotten more time with you, it has made me keenly aware that I won’t be around forever.”

Papa shifts uneasily in his chair, and I understand why. This is one of the intense conversations I try to avoid having at all costs; he knows I don’t like to think about the consequences of this life if I can help it.

Still, he continues. “We’ve always had things set out for us, right, Chichi-chan? We’ve always planned for your future, correct? I just want to make sure I talk about it with you once again, after everything that has happened.”

I snap into the obedient role that I always take on when my father speaks seriously to me this way. He’s a very serious man, after all: feared, hard, and brutal. When I do get an audience with him, he may be somewhat distant, but he always treats me with fondness and fairness. He is able to show me affection and even share an occasional joke with me. But right now, there is no laughter in his demeanor.

I swallow and nod without looking up — without looking him in the eyes. “I know I have been lucky in my life, Papa. I know one day I’ll have to take up the mantle for you. I am aware that I have a heavy responsibility.” I know this is what I have to say — what I owe him for giving me everything a rich little princess could want and having the security and trappings his wealth affords me for my entire life. This is all business — he business of my future, which he has always taken very, very seriously. “Of course, Oto-san. Of course I know.”

My father gives a small nod of his head. “Yes. Yes, a responsibility, but also a birthright. My empire is yours to take. It will be yours to control one day. If you do not take it, then you cannot continue to live this lifestyle. In fact, I worry about your safety in general. I want you to live a long, healthy life, Chichi-chan. And I hope it can be filled with some happiness, at least.”

I’m a little speechless after that long monologue. It’s true that my father is often serious with me, but he also isn’t usually so… existential. This conversation feels so much more overwhelming than others we’ve had in the past.

I’m not exactly sure what he wants me to say. He knows I’ll do whatever I have to do in order to maintain our family’s status, but I think we both know that no matter what, I won’t be living happily. No one is truly happy in this life — not him and not I. Not Andy. Not any of the numerous guards working on my grounds. Not Daiki. Not even Cas and Mara, as much as they love each other. No one is truly happy. We are not allowed to be.

Once I step into the role he has laid out for me, I won’t even have the freedom I have now. This leads me to wonder: Is he telling me this because he really wants me to live a happy life and find whatever pleasure I can in it? Or is he telling me this because he’s afraid I will die if I don’t follow these steps? If I don’t follow the perfect “right” path that has been laid out for me?

I’m starting to feel itchy, and I don’t like it. My mind wars with my body. My automatic response is to walk away, but my mind wishes to know more — more about why he’s worried, if that’s what it is. Or maybe I’m just seeing things that aren’t really there.

I hope it’s the latter, because my body wins out. I nod stiffly and, with a farewell and a feigned yawn, I bid him good night and walk straight to my quarters.

Chapter 8

Andy

I stay with Cas for hours, into the morning and late into the afternoon. I get some peanut butter crackers for Mara from a gas station down the street, knowing full well that they’re all she’ll eat, if she eats anything. I’m happy when she does.

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