Page 52 of Heart Match

He’s stretching, pressing his hands against the wall and extending each of his lower legs.

‘Surprise me.’

He likes my answer, I can tell by his amused grin.

We run for an hour and a half. I almost forget the amount of work I have waiting for me at home. It was just too entertaining to watch him strip off his sweaty T-shirt and run alongside me with his bare chest, his muscles flexing each time he moved his hands back and forth. Lines of sweat run down along his skin, disappearing into the fabric of his shorts. I think now I know what he means by losing focus. He’s doing the same to me, not only while running. He’s making me do things I never do, and consider doing things I never did before. I wonder what the girls would say if they knew I’ve been this involved with him. I bet they’d tease me, and they’d make me tell every detail of what I’ve been doing to him and him to me. But I brush the thought away, because I’m not ready to share Luc with anyone.

We stop for our smoothies on the way back. Andi’s in. He glances at me with a smirk on his face, which makes me blush. Right now, he knows more about me and Luc than my own friends. I kind of feel bad about it, maybe I should call today and tell them everything. Or maybe not, where would I start? Besides, I like how Luc and I aren’t under pressure to define what’s happening between us.

‘Just so you know, this is not your prize,’ says Luc after paying for my smoothie and handing it to me.

‘I didn’t think so,’ I say, teasing.

On the way back home, though distracted, I feel kind of uneasy. Something like what I felt yesterday on the way to work, the feeling of being watched. Then it hits me. Hard. Like when you are walking into a glass door and don’t see it, crashing against it, startling you in an extremely unexpected way. Josh. How could I ever forget? I guess that day was so intense, I forgot about how it started. My brain had found a way to keep it hidden as deep as it could, just so I don’t have to live with it.

Now, it all comes back to me. Three years later, I feel it all over again, stronger than the nightmares I have at night. Right here as I’m crossing the street with Luc, I feel like I’m being dragged back to that day. I wonder if those memories will ever stop haunting me.

It had been three weeks after I’d left Josh and told my friends about what kind of relationship we had. All this time, he kept calling and texting me, and even trying his usual shit—sending me flowers and gift cards and notes with promises he would never keep. I didn’t answer or reply to any of it, partly because I didn’t want to, but mostly because Naomi and Lexi didn’t let me. It felt as though I was an addict and they were trying to help me get clean. The drug was Josh. I knew he was bad for me, but still I kept him in my life. I didn’t know how to get rid of him, it’d gotten this far. I was in the stage of possible relapse, which I could never do alone. I’ll be forever indebted to the girls.

Of course he tried reaching out to them too. My silence, I knew, was driving him crazy. Unlike all the other times, I ignored him and everything related to him during those three weeks.

He also attempted contacting me on social media, but I tried to be as far from social networks as possible, because of him and especially because I didn’t feel like checking other’s people lives when mine was hell. It got to the point that Josh even called Mum and Nate, making them worry and call me back sick with worry as if I had disappeared. I hadn’t told them about the kind of relationship we had. I had decided they didn’t have to know about it. It was already over anyways. It wouldn’t have made any difference. It was all in the past, I thought. Besides, I didn’t know how to start a conversation like that. They would question me and I wasn’t ready to talk about it with them. I even avoided seeing them at all costs because of the bruises Josh left me with in our last encounter.

What had happened so far with Josh was already enough to leave scars for the rest of my life, but on that Monday morning everything changed. Everything escalated from very bad to extremely awful. It was a Monday just like yesterday. I got out of the tube and felt like someone was watching me. When I was in front of Secretive, Josh was at the front door, waiting for me.

I pretended to not see him. I went for the door handle to open it as fast as I could, as if I was running for my life.

I was. Oh, I was.

The next thing he did was something he always did, something that always worked pretty well on me.

‘Love bug, please. Listen to me. I just want to talk.’

How dare he call me that.

I ignored him. I tried again pushing the door open. He didn’t let me. I looked around and considered running away.

‘You can’t leave me. Let’s just talk about it. Please.’

He held my arm. I started shaking, because I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I was already in a fragile state, it was too early in the detox phase to find yourself having to be strong enough to ignore your addiction.

‘I swear I’ll kill myself, Livvy. You’re everything to me.’

When I think about his words now it makes me so sick I want to throw up. But back then, I really believed he was capable of doing it.

‘Leave me alone, Josh. I need to get to work,’ I said, unable to look him in the eye.

He tightened his grip around my arm.

‘Give me five minutes. My car is right here. Just listen to me and I’ll let you go.’

I’ll let you go. I wanted to hear those words so badly, I allowed myself to believe them.

How could I think that listening to him was ever going to be a good decision? I did, always. I gave him the chance to say what he needed to, even though deep inside I knew there was nothing else left to say. But I thought this would be my chance for closure. I was wrong. What happened afterwards changed everything.

‘Olivia?’

Only one person calls me by my name and makes me feel this good about it. Luc.

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