Page 56 of I Need It

She had me thinking hard as hell about everything. I told her I had a weak moment, but she said there was a better way to handle it. I shouldn’t have pushed Mya away, but I learned that was my toxic trait when I was feeling emotional. I tended to seclude myself, not wanting anyone to see me that way… not even my mama.

For a week straight, Karima and I talked every day like she was my counselor. While she was an amazing barrel racer, I felt like she’d missed her calling. She had me opening up to her in ways I hadn’t opened up to no one. She even asked me if I thought I needed another conversation with my father. I didn’t think I did. We’d talked when he first got out of prison, but I hadn’t had an in-depth conversation with him since.

I didn’t need that type of conversation with him. It wouldn’t change how I saw him. He was a pedophile, and no more needed to be said about that shit. I didn’t have to have a relationship with him, and he finally understood that. However, Mya was right when she said it still shouldn’t be affecting me this way. The talk with Karima was good, but I knew I needed to get past my hangups about it.

My mama gave me her therapist, Serita Gardener’s, phone number. She was the woman we first talked to when all the shit hit the fan. She was a good counselor and had helped us tremendously, but as a grown man, I knew I needed to talk to her again. She was happy to hear from me, and the talk was seamless. It was just as easy to talk to her as it was when I was eighteen, if not easier.

She already knew the situation, so I didn’t have to go through every detail like I would have had to had I gone to someone that didn’t know me. She said my problem was that I was trying to understand why he did what he did instead of just accepting that he did it. There was no way I would ever understand why he did those horrible things.

She even encouraged me to talk to my cousin, Nesha. Besides Aunt Syn, Nesha had also been raped by my dad. Her two sisters had been molested. When I talked to Nesha, it opened my eyes to how I was harboring guilt and shame as if I’d done it. She said Jakari had been the same way. He felt guilty because he thought he should have taken the change in her behavior more seriously.

I left Nesha’s house renewed. It was almost like I was a different man. The icing on the cake was finding out that Nesha was pregnant. I was beyond happy for her. Baylor would have a sister or brother coming soon. Her husband Lennox was beyond excited. We made a little wager on what the sex of the baby would be. My money was on another boy, and he insisted that it would be a girl.

When the curtain pulled back and they had wheeled Mya back inside the room, I gave her a slight smile then stood and helped her to the bed. Once she was situated, I kissed her head and went back to my seat. She still seemed a little out of it. It reminded me of how she slept for nearly an entire day when she was in the hospital. The girl was weaker than wet toilet paper when it came to pain medication.

The paramedic said they’d given her a low dose of something to relax her, and she was out of it when they got here. I could only chuckle. It took nearly an hour for that shit to wear off enough for her to be lucid enough to have the X-ray done.

“Christian, I can’t say thank you enough.”

“Woman, aren’t you mine? I don’t care what the fuck you said about taking a break. You’re mine and will always be mine. I promised your dad that I would take care of you, and I plan to do just that.”

She smiled. “I need to call him and let him know what’s going on. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about what happened between us. I’d been avoiding his questions about what was going on with me. He could clearly tell it was something. I was miserable without you, but the work I did on myself for those two weeks was amazing. It was something I should have done years ago.”

“So he doesn’t know you broke up with me and threw me out of your house?”

Her eyebrows lifted as a slow smile graced my lips. “Wow,” she said sarcastically. “You make that shit sound so heartless.”

I stood and went to her bedside. “I know. I’m sorry, baby, but I couldn’t let you make it on that. Gon’ tell me you’ll see me in a month. Thank you for that though. It forced me to work on shit I knew I needed help with. I kept brushing that shit off, and it was only causing it to build. Then it created what happened two weeks ago.”

“Speaking of, has Courtney gotten out of jail?”

“Yeah, she’s out, fucking up the streets. I can’t believe I didn’t realize shit was off with her ass when I first saw her.”

“That’s because you were too busy thinking with the head of your dick instead of the one on your shoulders.”

Mya chuckled as I stared at her with a slight frown on my face. “You know, you didn’t have to say that shit like that. Making me sound like a whole fuckboy in these streets.”

“Well, you weren’t a fuckboy, as far as I know, but you were definitely in these streets.”

“Well, if that ain’t the pot calling the kettle black.”

Mya stared at me with a confused look on her face as I chuckled. My grandmother used to say that shit all the time. “It means you can’t talk about me because you were just like me. That’s okay though. You had to hang them cleats up. All the games done been played, baby girl. You done won the championship.”

She fell out laughing. “Oh, so you’re the prize, Christian?”

“Hell yeah! Have you seen me naked? Girl, this body will have your nipples orgasming. Keep fucking with me, and you gon’ find out. You ain’t had the best of me yet.”

Mya was laughing so damn hard she started coughing. “You’re about to kill me!” she said between coughs.

I couldn’t help but laugh too. I was glad she was feeling better. While I knew the medicine had played a part, she hadn’t complained about her back hurting. When the doctor walked in, we both did our best to subdue our laughter. He seemed a little irritable. Despite his attitude, he offered a slight smile.

“Typically, we try not to do X-rays of pregnant women. The radiation could be bad for the baby, but we needed to be sure you were okay, and you are. You bruised your tailbone though. We just want to take another listen to the baby’s heartbeat. The paramedic told me that they’d gotten a pretty strong heartbeat, but I wanna be sure before we let you go home.”

I sat up in my seat, eagerly waiting to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I’d heard it two weeks ago, but I could hear it every day. My reaction would still be one of awe and gratitude. God had blessed us with a baby, and I wanted to be the best man I could be while raising him or her. For some reason, I felt like it would be a girl.

When he placed the doppler on her stomach, I closed my eyes, waiting to hear the extension of me come through the speaker. Within seconds, the baby’s heartbeat rang out through the speaker, causing smiles to grace all our faces. The heartbeat was really strong, and that seemed to give Mya peace… me too.

I believed, in the backs of our minds, there was some fear that the baby could have gotten hurt in all this. Janson had better count his blessings once again. After the doctor gave Mya instructions, which included no strenuous activity until her next doctor’s appointment, he let us know he would be releasing her.

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