Page 53 of I Need It

After pulling away, I called Uncle Kenny. I didn’t need judgment. I needed a listening ear. He was the best listener I knew. While I knew KJ and my brothers wouldn’t judge me, I didn’t want to hear about what they thought I should do either. Their advice would be based on what they would do in my situation, especially Jakari’s.

I wasn’t them, and I typically didn’t respond the way they did to certain shit. Rylan was way more forgiving than me. Decaurey still deserved to get knocked on his ass. I hadn’t had a conversation with him since that shit he pulled. It wasn’t that I didn’t forgive people… well, maybe it was. I had a hard time moving on, pretending that shit didn’t happen.

Jakari had even somewhat established a relationship with Avery. He visited their house from time to time to see JJ. There was no way I would want him around my kids, especially if Mya and I ended up having a little girl.

As I listened to the phone ring for the fourth time, I ended the call. He was probably busy with one of his many businesses. He and Uncle Jasper had a lot of shit going on these days. Nome had a fucking cigar lounge slash smoke and chill spot now. Muthafucka, for what? Niggas out here smoked that shit in their yards. Most of his customers came from the city… like Beaumont or people sliding through, heading to Beaumont.

I couldn’t believe I left from here without truly pouring my heart out to Mya. My plan was to pour out everything while I explained the situation to her. She’d made up in her mind that she knew enough about it to where what I had to say didn’t matter. It seemed it was a lost cause. I waited too long.

After getting on the interstate, I made a vow to talk this shit through with somebody, whether that was with Uncle Kenny or the worst person of them all, Uncle Storm. I knew I had to get the shit out of my system, though, and someone would have to listen. So when my phone rang and I saw the call was coming from KJ’s sister, Karima, I knew she would be who I let it rip with. I just hoped she could understand what I needed and could be who I needed her to be in this moment.

CHAPTER 20

MYA

The day I basically put Christian out of my place brought me to a low I had never experienced. I thought I was protecting myself from pain, anguish, neglect, and trauma, but in actuality, I threw myself into all those emotions headfirst. I cried the rest of the day, allowing myself to purge, thinking I was getting him out of my system. Instead, I’d cried all week. We talked briefly every day, as we had been, but my soul was in turmoil, even more than it had been the previous week.

My heart was scolding me for turning my back on him when he was weak. At first, I took that to mean I was too soft. I always put others before myself, and that was what had me in half the predicaments I was in. I had been trying to overcome that shit for the past couple of years. I’d given my all and got nothing in return. As I looked back over things, I realized it hadn’t been that way with Christian. If anything, he’d given me more than I had given him.

It had been two weeks since I’d seen him, and I felt like I was dying inside. However, I knew he was only respecting my wishes. I told him that I would see him for my next appointment. Despite how my heart felt, I still knew that I should wait until then. He needed the time, and so did I. We dove into things way too fast… or at least I did. I’d just gotten over what Janson’s punk ass had done to me, even though we had no commitment.

We were being irresponsible when we created another life, but I expected him to man up when I told him I was pregnant. It was just as much his fault as it was mine, if not more. He was supposed to pull out… He didn’t. It was like he didn’t even give a fuck if I got pregnant. Like, he had no intention of helping me raise a baby. I didn’t understand how anyone could be so selfish and cold, especially toward their own seed. Had he asked for a paternity test, I would have obliged him with one.

Sitting on my couch with my journal, I wrote about how I was feeling. I did this every day, but I also included a note of encouragement to myself. I was a loner again, and the shit felt weird because it was something I chose, not something I was forced into. I needed the time to discover the things that made me tick, the things that I wanted and needed out of life, and the things I needed to do to accomplish those things.

I needed to be a better person for me before I could be a better person for someone else. That way, if for some reason, they fell off the pedestal I had them on, they wouldn’t take me with them. It wasn’t that Christian fell off the pedestal though. He was still the same man I adored… the same man I loved. I wished I would have told him. Love had healing virtues, and maybe that was what he meant when he said he needed me.

How could I turn my back after he said those words? I was hurting. The statement that hurt people, hurt people was so true in that moment. I couldn’t even see just how much he needed me because of my own pain. Just the fact that I could sit here and understand all the mistakes I made was proof that separation was needed for my own self-reflection.

Give yourself grace. You won’t be perfect, because no one is. You won’t get it all right, because no one does. Love yourself unconditionally without turning your back on those that love and respect you. Putting yourself first doesn’t mean to neglect others. It means not to destroy yourself seeing after others. There’s a fine line between putting yourself first and just being selfish. Get acquainted with it and admit your mistakes to the ones you love.

I closed my journal and placed my hand on my stomach, rubbing it gently. I was already fifteen weeks, and I hated that Christian was missing out on the day to day. While there wasn’t much for him to see right now from my eyes, that may not have been the case for him.

My dad had been calling all week, checking on me as well. Whenever he would ask about Christian, I would change the subject or end the call. He was my dad, so he knew something was going on, but he didn’t push. He knew I would come around in my time and tell him what was going on. I wanted to call him, but instead, I went to my room and packed a small bag. Spending the weekend with him would be good for my soul.

Once I got everything situated, I began making my way to the front door. After I put my laptop bag strap across my body, along with my duffel bag and purse, I put on my shades, grabbed my keys and thermos, and opened the door to see Janson standing there. It was like the little bit of go-go juice I had seeped right out of me at the sight of him.

He glanced down at my stomach, and a slow smile spread across his face. “So you are still pregnant.”

“Not with your baby, jackass. I told you I lost the baby. I had to have emergency surgery and everything, all before my first doctor’s appointment. I have a boyfriend now, and this is his baby.”

“Well, only one way to prove that. I’m gonna need a paternity test.”

“As long as you’re paying for it, I don’t give a fuck. You’ll be wasting your money and your time, along with mine, but if that will get you to leave me the fuck alone, I’m all for it.”

“I don’t know why you acting like I’m being unreasonable. You were pissed that I didn’t jump and run in the beginning, and now that I’m taking initiative, you’re still pissed.”

“You must be a dumb muthafucka if you can’t understand my frustration. I’m telling yo’ ass that I lost the baby… a baby your ass didn’t even want to claim. It’s like you want to do the opposite of whatever I need. When I wanted you to claim the baby, you wouldn’t. Now that I’m pregnant again, you wanna claim this one. We haven’t slept together in almost six months. Don’t you think my stomach would be bigger than this? You just want to make me miserable, but I don’t understand why. Is it because I’m not calling or chasing your ass?”

He slid his hand over his face and chuckled. “Girl, I could care less about you chasing me.”

“It’s couldn’t care less, you ignorant fucker.”

He pushed his way into my apartment, pushing me backward, causing me to stumble and fall on my ass. My immediate thought was my baby. I quickly dropped the straps that dangled on my arm and placed my hands on my belly. The pain that shot up my back sent me into a panic.

“Ooooh my God! Noooo!”

Tears fell from my eyes as I checked between my legs to make sure I wasn’t bleeding. I didn’t see anything, but I was so nervous. Janson stood there with his mouth open. “Oh shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to knock you down.”

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