Page 52 of I Need It

“What about this, Kendrall?” I heard a female voice say.

“Who in the hell is that?”

“Cassie, man,” he said in a lower voice.

I slowly shook my head. He was gonna find himself in a world of trouble. I just hoped he knew what the fuck he was doing.

After Mya’s doctor’s appointment, I took her to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch. We’d been pretty quiet most of the day, only talking about the appointment, how she’d been, and what we were going to eat. Once we indulged in good food, not to mention good cheesecake, and were headed back to her place, I could tell she had something to say to me. She’d begun fidgeting and refusing to look at me. It was definitely time.

“I know I haven’t been myself this past week. I’m sorry. I’m not going to leave you in limbo about everything any longer. You deserve to know what happened since you are a part of me. Although everything is going well between us, I feel like that won’t be the case long if I don’t speak up. The reason I haven’t just yet has nothing to do with you. You’re my everything. I just don’t want you to see me or my mother differently by what I have to say.”

“Why would I see you or your mother any differently? The two of you had nothing to do with what he did.”

“My mother suffered a lot of ridicule. She wasn’t big on scrolling social media back then, but I was. People accused her of knowing and attacked her character. They were saying horrible things about my mother and asking how she could be married to a man like that and not know. It was a terrible time for all of us.”

She nodded but didn’t say anything else, which led me to believe that those were her exact thoughts. Jakari, Rylan, and I didn’t talk about how hard it was publicly after that shit happened. Rylan only poured more of himself into basketball to avoid the drama at school. I had graduated already, but it still felt like people knew that I was his son everywhere I went.

It was crazy. People in Nome looked at us weird, like we were in on it, and I couldn’t understand why they would treat us that way. To have a loving family one minute then have it snatched away the next was traumatizing as fuck. Our family wasn’t perfect. I could hear Avery and my mama argue sometimes, but never would I have expected something like this happening.

When we got to Mya’s apartment, I walked around the vehicle to help her out. Before she could walk away, I wrapped my arms around her from behind, gently caressing her belly. When I kissed her neck, she pulled away slightly. “Let’s go inside. This heat is tripping today.”

She was right about that. It was hot as hell. We were under a heat advisory, and summer was just starting. Today had a heat index of 110 degrees. I grabbed her hand, and we walked to her apartment in silence. For some reason, I wasn’t feeling so good about how our talk would go. I’d put her off too long and made her doubt that I could be the man she needed. Fuck.

She unlocked the door, and we went inside. I stood still until she’d locked the door behind her. She walked past me like I wasn’t standing there and sat on the couch. I noticed she wouldn’t look at me either. I made my way to her and sat, immediately grabbing her hand after I did.

Before I could get a word out, she said, “I don’t need the details. I’ve already pieced shit together on my own. It seems as if you aren’t ready for what you’re asking for.”

I frowned slightly. “What do you mean?”

“You want me to be yours, but because you have an issue, you shut me out for an entire week. Had I not had an appointment today, it probably would have been longer. Christian, I can’t handle being in a relationship with issues from jump. I have my own demons to overcome. I can’t handle anyone else’s. I’ve been in this apartment all week, feeling like I made a mistake giving in to you… like you are no different than the rest, showing me who you have potential to be and now who you really are.”

“That’s not true, Mya. I had a fucked-up weekend. From Courtney’s ass to seeing your cousin. I needed to deal with that shit so I didn’t come unhinged on you. You didn’t deserve that. I’ve had all week to calm down and get that shit out of my system. I just… I don’t want to be so vulnerable and emotional around you. I don’t like feeling weak, and last weekend, I felt exactly that.”

She only nodded and turned away from me. Suddenly, she stood. “Well, I’ll call you when we get close to the next appointment to remind you.”

“Mya, please don’t do this. I’m every bit of the man I showed you. I’m sorry for shutting you out. I just needed to be sure I could handle the emotions that surfaced.”

“If I’m your everything, why couldn’t I be there for you? Shouldn’t I be the one person you can be vulnerable and sensitive with? This situation with your dad happened over fifteen years ago. If it’s still affecting you this way, maybe you need time to yourself to figure out why.”

I stood in front of her, wishing I could talk her out of the decision she was making. “So, you’re saying you don’t want to be with me anymore, Mya?”

“For now, I think it’s best for you to handle your issues without me being in the way… being another burden to you. You have enough on your plate right now, and clearly, I was least important. Be careful going home, Christian.”

I did my best to plead with my eyes, by staring at her. My face was probably red as hell. I felt like I was losing control. That shit was hard to accept. However, I gave her what she felt like we needed. “Okay,” I said then pulled her to me and kissed her forehead.

I took a deep breath and made my way to the door. Once I unlocked it, I turned to see she was standing behind me, tears streaming down her face. I again pulled her in my arms and held her tightly, realizing how my silence about this issue had affected her. It had triggered her, making her think about her failed relationships.

“Mya, please. I don’t want to lose you, baby.”

“I don’t want you to lose yourself. I need you to be secure in who you are outside of Avery. Amelia had nothing negative to say about you. She only said she remembered you from the courtroom that day.”

“But she stills associates me with the pain my father put her through. That’s the shit that bothers me most… being associated to a man that could inflict that type of pain on little girls. He did that shit to three of my cousins… to his adopted sister. My aunt was his worst victim. My mama said she suspected he was cheating, but never did she think he would do something like this. I just… I need you, baby.”

“You don’t need me, Christian,” she said, pulling away from me. “You need counseling. We can revisit this next month. I hope you don’t think I’m being heartless. I just have to put my well-being first. I know what I can and can’t handle. This is too much for me right now. I put my reservations to the side. I wanted to be with you, but I didn’t want to move this fast. Even with the pregnancy, I felt like I needed more time to get my mental together. I let you talk me into trusting you. I felt like I could. I was thinking things would be perfect… at least for a little while. I was wrong.”

I closed my eyes for a moment and nodded. I couldn’t bear to look at her again without breaking in front of her. Before reopening my eyes, I turned around and walked out of the door, not looking back.

By the time I got to my vehicle, my heart had seemed to harden. It was something that I allowed to happen so I wouldn’t be sitting in this vehicle crying. I’d done the same thing with Janay. Although Mya said we would revisit this for the next appointment, I felt like she was done. Unfortunately, for me, it felt like I wouldn’t be able to come back from this.

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