Page 67 of The Actor and His Secret

I sink into the bubbles, trying to let the lavender scent relax me, but it’s no use. I just end up rubbing my eyes and getting suds in them, which makes me cry even more. It feels good to be letting everything out, but I also hate being a sloppy mess.

Visions of what Nikos must be doing now flash before my mind. I wonder if he’s going to be upset too, or whether the mask he can put on so well extends to the ability to wipe his mind clean. I almost hope for it - I don’t want him to be heartbroken. And besides, he was probably less love-struck than me, more clear-eyed about what the limitations of our time together were, and what the risks were too. I’ve always been a dreamer, and I shouldn’t have let the fantasy carry me away.

There was no world in which we would have had a life together.

I lived my fantasy, and now it’s time to go back to the real world.

The next morning is rough. I feel wrung-out and rumpled, and it’s not just my clothes. I cried myself to sleep after eating an entire pint of ice cream, and now my head is aching and my stomach is cramping enough that I’m worried I’ll be sick on the tube.

I don’t think that any number of affirmations on post-its is going to be able to pull me out of this one.

Why is this heartbreak so much worse than when Geoff left me? I’m not sure, but I think that it has something to do with the fact that when Geoff cheated on me, I at least was able to cut the sadness with well-deserved anger. Now, there’s nothing for me to focus on except the ache of losing a man I know I could have spent the rest of my life with.

Nikos and I did nothing wrong, except be the wrong people at the wrong places in their lives at the wrong time.

Work, at least, should be a way for me to take my mind off things. Megan must be able to tell I’m sad, because she sends me a picture of a box of donuts alongside a text.

Megan

These have your name on them when you get to the office

It’s a relief, in a way, that she knows what’s going on. I need at least one person to talk with and cry on who isn’t going to further endanger Nikos. And given that Megan knows - and totally hates - Geoff, she’ll have all the facts for when I come clean to her.

I drag myself out of the tube and towards the office lobby. I’ve forgotten my umbrella and it’s raining, so of course I get soaked. The grey weather is such a contrast to the sun of Greece, but in a way it’s a relief. I don’t want even the weather to be reminding me of what I’ve lost.

‘Darling.’ Megan meets me at the elevator bank, and I wonder if she’s been spying on my shared location to tell when I’ve gotten to the office. ‘I’m here.’

She enfolds me into a huge hug, and I let myself sink into the woman who’s not just my boss, but also my closest friend and confidante. ‘I fucked up,’ I mumble into her shoulder.

‘I know, love.’ She squeezes me even tighter. ‘Let’s go stuff ourselves with sugar and talk about it, yeah?’

My co-workers are all staring at their computers and no one even looks up when we walk past. They’re all buried in a mountain of work, I’m sure, especially given that I’ve just abandoned them for five days right after the premier of the movie. I feel guilty about that, but I’m not going to say anything as Megan pulls me along, her hand in mine. When we get to her office, I slump onto the couch, my head in my hands.

‘Out with it.’ She shoved a donut on a napkin onto my lap and then sits next to me. ‘Tell your bestie what’s gone on.’

I groan, then shove the donut into my mouth with an aggressive amount of force. ‘I fell in love with him,’ I confess through a mouthful of crumbs and sprinkles. ‘That’s part one of how I fucked up.’

‘Oh no.’ Megan puts her arm around my shoulders. ‘I see why you’re so upset. Falling for the out-of-reach movie star who sweeps you off your feet to a tropical getaway, and then leaves - it’s practically straight out of a romance novel.’

I put my head on her shoulder, breathing in the smell of her coconut shampoo. I normally love it, but now it just reminds me of the beach, and Nikos. ‘I thought it was just going to be fun. A way to forget Geoff. I thought I’d be able to forget about Nikos when he had to go.’

Megan hums, and then pauses, like she’s trying to decide whether to actually say something. She takes in a deep breath. ‘Oli, babe, there was no way that you were going to be able to let him fuck you and then walk away unscathed. You have such a good heart, and you’re so open to love. It’s not a fault, far from it. But sometimes it means you get hurt. All you can do is wade through it. Eventually, it’s going to fade.’

‘I knew the two of us could never be together,’ I whispered. ‘I don’t know why my stupid heart had to go and catch feelings for someone totally unobtainable.’

Megan grabs another donut out of the box and puts it in front of me. I’m about to grab it when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out, irrationally hoping that it’s Nikos texting to tell me this has all been a big mistake and that he wants to run away together to live in blissful anonymity in Greece.

It’s not. It’s so much worse. My heart shrivels.

‘I’ll be right back,’ I say to Megan, handing her the donut back. She looks at me, confused, but I just mumble about needing the bathroom and hightail it out of her office and into the hallway.

I almost get to the bathroom, where I can at least have a little privacy to deal with this situation, but I’m stopped by Megan dashing out of her office and grabbing me by the shoulder. She yanks me back so hard that I almost fall, but my windmilling arms prevent me from hitting the ground.

‘Megan!’ I snap. She’s pulled me with surprising strength right back into her office, slamming the door.

‘There’s an email from corporate.’ She sounds numb, like she’s not believing what she’s seeing. ‘I just saw it. Oli…’

If it was possible for my blood to run any colder than it already was, it would have turned to ice. I stare at her, at the way that she looks completely and totally devastated.

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