Page 62 of The Actor and His Secret

The thumbnail is small, but it’s unmistakable. I know it because I’ve owned that jumper for years, and combined with my unruly curls I know it’s me.

Someone has sent Nikos a picture of me walking somewhere. And based on the coffee cup in my hand, I know exactly where I was walking to.

The blood in my body runs ice cold as I take it in. I’m not sure how to deal with this - how did Geoff get Nikos’ number? Why is he texting Nikos? I wonder for a moment if Geoff has been blackmailing Nikos too, if I’ve already been used against him. So I do something that’s so out of character for me that it turns my stomach - I click on the photo. The phone asks me for a passcode, and I put in the numbers that I’d watched Nikos type in a few times before whilst we were in London.

It’s a single text from a unknown number, along with one line.

Unknown number

Pay up, or I’ll take him away from you

I act without thinking. My thumb and fingers race across the screen, typing a short and very clear message back to Geoff.

Fuck off, you’re getting nothing.

Once I see the message is delivered, I swipe the conversation away and delete it.

Nikos turns to me after handing over our passports, and I quickly lock the phone.

‘Oli?’ He looks at me with concern, frowning. ‘Are you alright?’

‘Yeah.’ My voice is strangled even to my ears. ‘Fine.’

He’s going to hate me. My crazy ex-boyfriend is threatening him? Demanding money, after I already stole for him? I wish I could call Geoff up right now and tell him off, maybe even go a step further and call his mum to embarrass him. Or file a police report that he’s stalking me to scare him. But that would give me away - there’s nothing I can do until we’re back in London.

There’s a terrifying chorus that echoes through my head as we board our jet. That Geoff is going to out Nikos, or that Nikos is going to have to support Geoff’s newfound drugs habit to stop his sexuality from becoming the topic of every tabloid. The horror of that, of not being ready to tell the world who he is and yet being forced into a corner to stop it from happening? That makes me feel like I’m going to pass out.

I got him into this mess, so I have to get him out of it.

My legs are wobbly as I walk up the stairs of the jet, and Nikos puts a hand to the small of my back. Even now, he’s warm and trusting, looking at me with concern in his eyes. All the while, I’m the one who’s going to hurt him. I’m the one who’s already ruining his world.

We settle into the leather seats of the jet and the air stewardesses serve us cocktails. I gulp mine down while Nikos thumbs through his phone. His mouth twists down momentarily, but then he shakes his head like he’s dismissing something. I hope Geoff hasn’t texted back.

‘Are you alright?’ I venture.

‘Yeah.’ He keeps scrolling. ‘I’m fine. Just someone being an asshole. Par for the course. Nothing I can’t handle.’

You know when you can tell that someone is lying, even though they say that they’re alright? I know, in that moment, that Nikos isn’t telling the truth. That he’s actually really, really bothered by whatever Geoff must’ve sent in response to my reply.

I’m about to nudge him with a foot and insist that he be honest, but he looks up, his smile bright again. I can’t tell if he’s acting, but if he is, it’s good. ‘Do you want to play one of my favourite games with Selina? It’s called how bad is the movie pitch that Nikos got in his inbox.’

He’s clearly trying to make the most of the rest of our time together. We’ve not spoken about it, but I know we’re going to go our separate ways once we land in London. So I decide to grow up and seize the normalcy he’s offering me. I drain the rest of my cocktail. ‘Lay them on me.’

We spend a few hours of the flight laughing over the stupid movie ideas and the even stupider amount of money being offered to Nikos and getting steadily more drunk. I’m glad I’m not the only one who needs an alternative way of dealing with this situation. It’s only when the pilot gets on the intercom and tells us that we’re descending that I see Nikos get serious again.

I want to stop him as he kneels before me and takes my hands in his, earnest sincerity in his eyes.

‘I wish I was brave enough to keep you,’ Nikos says. The image of him on his knees in front of me is something I’ll never forget. ‘I wish I was brave enough to say fuck it and claim you as mine. But I’m doing this for you as much as for me. You don’t know everything about me, and the secrets I keep? They could rip you apart. It’s so much safer for you this way, Oli. Honey. It’s tearing my heart out, but there’s nothing more important to me than you being happy. And I can promise you, even with the fantasy we’ve lived out this last week, you wouldn’t be happy with me. Not when you know everything. Not when you learn who I really am.’

All the fake good humour is gone, now. I can’t contain my emotion any longer. The tears are flowing freely down my face as I cup his jaw in my hands. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nikos, but I have seen the real you. You’re kind and caring and smart and funny. You’re protective of those you care about. You make me laugh. You’re one of the sweetest people I know.’

‘It’s not everything.’ Nikos shakes his head as he reaches up to wipe away my tears with a thumb. ‘It’s not the darkest parts of me. I would never expose anyone I lo- anyone I cared about to them.’

My stomach drops, and it’s not just the plane descending. He almost said it in English. In a way that wasn’t a cute endearment. In a way that sounded like he meant it.

And somehow it’s a million times worse knowing that we both love each other, and still we’re going to let each other go.

24

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