Page 5 of The Actor and His Secret

She’ll never know just how true those words are.

‘This is big,’ Selina says, catching her emotions and hiding them behind the closed door of manageress. ‘The team is thrilled. You may not have been the first choice of romantic lead, but this is exactly what your career needs. A fresh start. A new chance to remind the world who Nikos Ridge is, and what he is capable of.’

My knee bounces, my heart fluttering as though a flock of birds just took flight. I look to the empty bottle in Selina’s hands and regret finishing it last night. I could’ve done with a swig now. Better to wash the anxiety away then let it drown me.

‘Eight months?’ I repeat, trying to convince myself.

‘It’ll fly by. And it’s filming in the UK. You’ve always wanted to go, haven’t you? Anyway, the agency came up with a deal, to ensure you got this role - ’

‘There’s no refusing this, is there?’

Selina shakes her head. I can almost hear it, the scratch of a pen as it signed me away in a deal with a devil. I’m all too familiar with the sound.

‘The production company have paid off your outstanding debts.’ Selina speaks as though she is reading off a prompter. Emotionless, as a way to protect herself and me. ‘A second payment will be made to you once filming is complete. The final instalment will come to you once the run of press for the film is over. Eight months of work. Another two for media. Then it’s over. No more films. No more work. If you decide to give it up, you can, no ties attached. But until then, you must do this.’

You must do this. It’s as though I’m sitting in another place during another time. Urging someone else to do something, which all went wrong.

Selina brushes the creases from her trousers, giving her hands something to do.

I look up at her, feeling as though I’m watching the world through a lens isn’t wasn’t my own. ‘Please, don’t make me do this.’

I shake violently, my chewed nails grasping my bare thighs until the skin breaks and bleeds. If Selina notices, she shows no signs.

‘My hands are tied,’ she replies, looking around the messy state of the room. In seconds, her sadness is gone, replaced by the steel mask of the manager I’d become all too familiar with. There was once a time we were best friends, navigating the entertainment world together. Now, we’re strangers with the thorn of money wedged between us.

‘It’s five percent.’

I narrow my eyes at her. ‘What do you mean?’

Selina picks at her nails, looking anywhere but me. ‘You accused me of doing this for the fifteen percent, but that isn’t true. I’m taking five. The extra ten is going to you.’

That shocks me back to silence. I open my mouth, close it again, and repeat that like a gulping fish for air. It’s just extra for him to prey on, more stones tied around my ankles as I sink.

‘Have a shower,’ Selina snaps, preventing me from saying anything. ‘Get a haircut. And tidy yourself up. A driver will be sent for you tomorrow. Make sure your breath doesn’t smell.’ Doesn’t smell of alcohol.

There’s no need for her to finish.

‘This is it,’ I hiss, the pages crinkling beneath my fingers. ‘I do this last film. Then I’m done.’ Because I know what this is going to mean. Doing this movie all but ensures that the demons of my past are going to come for me once more.

‘I know.’ Selina glances up at me, sorrow pinching at the corners of her eyes. ‘I’ve already ensured it was included as part of the deal, Nikos. This is your great come back and farewell, all rolled into one, a publicity campaign to end all publicity campaigns. After this, you’re free.’

You’re free. There it is again. And yet, I know that will never be the case. Demons have long wrapped their claws around my neck, and there’s no freeing myself.

‘I’ll be checking in on you tomorrow. I expect to see you looking… looking more like Nikos Ridge the heartthrob, and not like this sorry excuse for the man I once respected.’ Selina doesn’t mean to hurt me with her words, but she does. Although she’s right.

I’ve let everyone down. I always let everyone I love down. I always hurt them in the worst ways.

Selina waits a moment for a response, but I don’t give her one. I sag forward, spine aching as her footsteps fade through my apartment, followed by the thud of a door slamming.

You‘re free.

Words I never believed I’d hear. Words I never knew I would crave so dearly.

I place the script beside me. Just looking at it makes my stomach twist with sickness, which has nothing to do with my hangover.

‘One more,’ I say to myself, ‘this is what you’ve been hoping for. One more, then it’s all over.’

It’s a concept I’ve been willing into existence since the…incident. Over and over I visualised this very moment. But now I’m facing it and I feel nothing but dread.

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