Page 14 of Something Beyond Fame

6

I’d like to say that following a wild night of sexual escapades I felt clearer in my feelings for Claudia, but the truth was she only pulled further away. Finding her became a game of hide and seek. She didn’t want to be found, she didn't open up to me, and her icy front remained completely intact except for the rare moments of vulnerability she’d showed me when she let me into her space to fuck her and she’d orgasmed for my tongue and fingers.

She would often cry when she came. But, she would never talk. Not really. Nothing real. Then she would just close down from me again until the next time.

“Do you think you might ever turn your phone off of do not disturb?” I asked her playfully one night as our naked bodies lay tangled on the sheets. I felt her stiffen.

“Why would I do that?” she asked cooly.

“Well, so I don't have to spend hours at night looking around a ship for you. I could, you know, just call you and see you and spend time with you without walking up and down every floor.”

That wasn't exactly true. Urduja enjoyed her role in the find Claudia game and took great pleasure in trying to beat her record time of eight minutes with a precise location, but the truth was, I was feeling needy and unsure of where I stood. Chasing someone down every night when I was used to them chasing me wasn't doing much for my self-esteem.

You know, the magic when you start a sentence, not really knowing what it is you are trying to say, and the words just fall into place? That never happened with Claudia. She gave me little to work with, no openness into her life, emotions, thoughts, or feelings, and yet honestly, I was hooked. It only made me want her even more.

“You don't need to come and find me if you don't want to find me, Raven.” I wish I could say she said it in a warm tone with a hint of need, but she gave me nothing.

“Don’t you want me to come and find you?” I asked softly. My heart crushed when she replied with a nonchalant shrug.

The next day I had a full day off, and I decided I needed to get my head out of my thoughts, so I took a second trip to Edinburgh. My first had been on my last cruise, and it was not my favourite.

I had sailed through Fjords, glimpsed polar bears, straddled continents, and discovered the land of fire and ice. Gothic architecture on a gray drizzly day seemed drab.

My first step that day into a sun-filled Edinburgh started on a brighter note. Warmth was in my heart, and a smile was on my face. Urduja and I set off to explore but already, I understood a little more about the pull of this city.

Warning—don’t go to Edinburgh if you don’t like walking hills or steps. I felt like the Grand Old Duke of York. In full disclosure, I’m still not a fan of gothic architecture. It looks less drab in the sun, but even so, it’s not a style I truly appreciate.

Scotland has a lot to offer its residents. Free healthcare, women’s products, higher education, and museums, among other things.

I had a great time there. Urduja was like a kid in a candy shop, and that excited energy was infectious. We wandered through the Egyptian tomb, learned about mammals, and lastly, the energy machines.

I probably was having a slightly internal gray day. It happens. But she pulled me through with a bounce in her step and wide eyes. I could see Edinburgh had cast its spell on her, and I had a very strong suspicion that I’d be making my third trip in the not-so-distant future on the next tour around.

Our next meander was to Princes park. Sitting on wide-open green spaces, looking down with the castle above us was idyllic. Times of peace in a genuinely busy city is not easy to find, and I’m happy we did.

Wandering with no purpose came next. Ambling down busy streets. Nipping in and out of shops and soaking up the ambience of that fairytale city.

The train station brought a moment of stress. We dashed the terminal, only for me to realize I had the backpack, so Urduja didn’t have the tickets, to get to our train with ten seconds to spare. It was a breathless rush that left my heart racing.

Collapsing on my seat, it took a second for my pulse to settle, and as the city drifted from view, I felt the gray settle again.

Urduja leaned forward, her hand resting over mine. “The thing is, Raven, and I know you don’t want to hear this. But if you keep chasing her, she just isn't going to realize how special you are and how lucky she is to have your attention. And I don't mean because of your killer body, sexy smile, or come make sweet love to me now voice. I mean because you are a genuinely amazing woman with a big heart. I think she knows that. I think she hates that she wants you. But until you force her to actually make the effort for you, she just isn't going to.”

I sighed deeply. I knew she was right.

“I’m not good at that, though. When I want something, I don't know how to pause and slow down. I only know how to chase after it,” I said.

Urduja nodded knowingly. “Maybe Claudia could be exactly what you need after all, then, to learn how to value yourself.”

A single light beamed on the stage. The black piano, perfectly polished, gleamed in the light. A deep red-orange gown spilled across the top and gave a glimpse of my pale skin. Mist rose, seeping around a single shadowed pianist dressed in black, only his fingers visible as they softy caressed the keys, gliding along the ivories with a slow stroke as the first note rang out.

I stretched across the dark smooth wood of the piano, my hair tamed as I spread out across the polished mahogany. My eyes closed with sweeping dark lines of makeup brushed over my eyelids. I slid my legs over the edge, softly falling to my feet. Padding barefoot to the center of the stage, my gown flowed behind me in a river of fire. My lips almost kissed the microphone as my fingers slowly curled around the stand.

“I Put A Spell On You…”

My gown was stunning, falling to the floor in a fiery pool of blood red scarlet and smoulderingorange. I sang soulfully.

The spotlight dimmed, and an arch of flames ignited behind me, casting flickering embers over me, my skin bathed in its fiery glow. My breasts swayed as I moved to themusic. My hands ran down my body, my fingers gliding over my dress. My eyes sparkled, seeking her as I looked out searchingly to the crowd. “I'm yours right now.”

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