Page 69 of Spite

Chapter Twenty-Five

It was a Friday night when my mom told me something I didn’t want to hear. I’d just turned eighteen two days before, and had Leah over. Tonight, even though it was Friday, I told my mom I would spend time with her, so we were on the couch in the living room, under heapings of blankets, watching some cheesy sci-fi movie together. And popcorn. Who could forget the popcorn?

My mom had all but begged for this night, and I’d given it to her, because I couldn’t deny her anymore. She was…well, she didn’t look good. She’d lost weight, looked pale; her face was starting to sink in. She hardly looked like my mom anymore, and that said nothing about her memory problem. Sometimes she had trouble talking, finding the right word, and I’d learned to be patient with her.

“Elle,” she whispered, turning to look at me. Her hair was pulled back in a low ponytail, a soft smile on her face. “I want to…I want to tell you something.”

I held in a sigh. I wasn’t sure what else she could possibly have to tell me, but it wasn’t like I could tell her no.

“When I’m gone, you have to learn…” Her eyebrows came together, and she mentally wrestled with her mind to find the correct word. “You have to forgive.”

Tired didn’t even begin to describe how I felt about this. “Mom—”

“I mean it. You can’t hate them forever.”

I could, and I would. Hell, at this point, I wasn’t even sure who my mom meant. My dad? Diane? The kids from River High? Sure as shit I could hate Christian, Alec, and Xander forever. No one from my past deserved forgiveness, so they wouldn’t get it. That was that.

“Promise me,” she begged, reaching for my hand over the blanket.

I knew for a fact she wouldn’t release my hand until I promised her, so I whispered, “Okay. I promise.” Did I ever think I’d make good on the promise? Not exactly, but that was mostly because at the time, I never thought I’d lose her.

Even though she was dying, I never thought she’d actually die.

Stupid, huh?

So very stupid.

I’d be a liar if I said this was only for me. It was for my mom, too. It was for everyone here who’d been in my elementary class, everyone who’d laughed and gone along with what Christian did. This was for Alec and Xander too, the two who’d followed Christian without question. This was for all of us.

“Hi, there. By now, most of you probably already know me. I’m Elle Payne,” my voice on the speakers said. My voice laughed. “No one told me how awkward it is to have a conversation with a video camera, but here I am. And here are all of you. Sorry to break up your dance, but this is important. This is…well, it’s years in the making.”

Christian’s hands fell from my hips as the throngs of students broke apart from each other, glancing all around.

“This is a confession. My confession tape. I never expected to be back here, never thought I’d ever see any of you guys again, but I’m here now. To be honest with you, I came back with a plan. I was going to rule the school, make everyone love me. More specifically, make three boys love me and then break their hearts.

“Cruel, isn’t it? Spiteful. But not all of you know what Xander Hill, Alec Perry, and Christian Moore did to me.” On the screen, the image of me moved her wrists closer to the camera. I’d worn short sleeves when I taped it for this specific reason. Even with my shitty video skills, my scars were clear. “I didn’t have a good home life, and those three made sure my school days were full of mean jokes and mocking.”

The students around us had finally noticed Christian, and it was like Moses parting the Red Sea; they spread apart, allowing Christian a good view of the screen. Georgia was still with the DJ, and they were both shocked speechless. Alec and Xander were somewhere, watching too.

“They made me want to die. I tried to kill myself, and failed, obviously, and I always hated them for it. I blamed them, even though the action was mine. So when I knew I was coming back to River High, I made a plan. Break the three who broke me. I got dirt on all of them, recorded a bunch of things that I wanted to put together in a video kind of like this. I told Jessie the truth about what Christian did, which broke them up. Everything was going how I wanted it to…

“Until it didn’t. What I didn’t realize before is I’m not like them. I don’t want to break them. What I want now is something I’ll probably never have: peace. This is a confession, but it’s also a declaration. A statement.”

I took a step away from Christian, slowly backing myself up to the doors of the gym. Christian was rapt, unable to look away from the video, as were most of the other kids. I knew what was coming, and I didn’t want to hear it.

Parents and teachers were rushing to the front, finally overcoming the shock of the what-the-fuck moment. I was already out of the gym’s double doors before they managed to cut it off.

Still, I heard my voice, loud and clear, say, “I forgive you. All of you.”

I headed straight through the cafeteria, walking with a purpose, needing air and generally to get away from this place. I slipped off my shoes, carrying them as I exited the school, the cool night air slapping me in the face.

What had I done? I probably ruined what I had with Xander and Alec, definitely destroyed what I had growing with Christian—and I cared, I did, it hurt to know I might’ve hurt them by admitting it was all a game to me at first—but at the same time, it was oddly freeing to have it all out there, for them to know.

I went the only place I could.

I went home.

My dad and Diane were absolutely shocked that I’d come home so early from the dance, and maybe it was my vacant, depressed look, but they left me alone. I went up to my room, dropping the sparkly shoes on the ground as I collapsed on my bed. My body, all the way down to my bones, felt tired.

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