Page 64 of Spite

Chapter Twenty-Three

School passed in a haze the next day. I sat in lunch between Georgia and Alec, both of them staring at me as they ate. Georgia had her same old bagged lunch, while Alec had opted to buy something from the kitchen. Today was pizza day, apparently, though the pizza on his plate looked more like plastic than cheesy slices.

“Are you okay?” Alec asked, bumping his elbow with mine. A gentle gesture, one that got me to look at him. His green eyes were filled with concern. It was more than obvious over the course of me starting back at River High, I’d gotten him right where I’d wanted him.

At first.

Now…now I couldn’t think of breaking his heart, couldn’t think about hurting him. My planning was all for nothing. It was laughable, really, how badly I’d changed my mind from my original plan.

How could I tell Alec what was really bothering me? I might’ve not wanted to break his heart anymore, but I still had to do something at Snowball. There was still something I had to do. My mind was made up about that much—which could be why I felt so awful today. That, and I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom.

She never would’ve wanted me to get revenge. She had a whirlwind of a life, but in the end, she’d given her forgiveness to Dad, to Diane, to everyone. I’d held such rage and bitterness in my heart for so long…I didn’t think I could be like her. I didn’t think I could forgive Dad like that, or Diane. And that said nothing about the guys who’d bullied me.

Alec…no. I couldn’t tell him. Not right now. That’s what tomorrow would hold, what Snowball was for.

“Yeah,” Georgia agreed. “You’ve been pretty quiet all day, and you don’t even have any candy for lunch.”

No candy for lunch. Clearly, I wasn’t trying too hard to stay under the radar, to act normal. I forced a smile, splitting it between each of them. “I’m fine,” I said, lying through my teeth.

Georgia didn’t look impressed, but she said nothing. Alec, on the other hand, quipped, “No way you’re fine. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without sugar at lunch.” He lowered his voice, whispering, “Are you maybe nervous about tomorrow? Have you changed your mind about doing it?”

Poor Alec. He knew the majority of the plan, but he didn’t know the extent of it. He was probably hoping I’d changed my mind, that I would miraculously tell him I wasn’t going to the dance with Christian, that I wanted to go with him and Xander.

That wasn’t going to happen.

“No,” I said. “No, we’re doing it.” Firmer, and hopefully more believably, I added, “And I’m fine, really. It’s just one of those days, everyone gets them.” Making it out like it was nothing. Good for me. Maybe I could start to believe it myself.

“All right,” Alec said, not even bothering to try and hide his disbelief.

I was a shitty person for lying to him, for lying to Georgia, just now. I didn’t deserve either of them as true friends. That thought made me even more down in the dumps.

Lunch went on, and I didn’t say much else. I mainly listened to Georgia and Alec go on, nodding my head along with them every so often so they knew I was still there, still listening, that I wasn’t trapped inside of my own head.

Chemistry came too fast, and before I knew it, I sat at my table, waiting for Christian’s arrival and dreading it.

Dreading it because I knew he’d notice what was wrong with me, too. If he asked me what was wrong, would he care about the answer? Would he want to know the truth? I wouldn’t tell him, but I did wonder.

Christian wore his Letterman jacket today, since there was a basketball game tonight. I’d made it a point to steer clear of any more games, partially because of the whole grounded thing. That was…not something I was used to. In my whole life, I couldn’t remember being grounded for doing something wrong or acting out. That was probably because the one time I’d acted out was when I’d taken a kitchen knife to my room, but still.

He let out a groan as he sat beside me, stretching out his legs beneath the table. He set a hand on the back of my chair, his fingers brushing against my back. I fought the warmth spreading through me, the tingly feeling enveloping my heart at his touch, but I failed. I failed, which wasn’t a surprise.

Over the past two weeks, he’d gotten so much more touchy-feely. He stood closer to me when we were doing experiments, his fingers always finding ways to brush against mine when we were working on equations on a dry erase board. His glares had all but faded away, replaced by something I couldn’t place. He’d changed, and I was scared to figure out why. If he was playing with me…if this was an extension of the bring-it-on attitude he’d given me the night I’d broken him and Jessie up, what would I do?

I wouldn’t let myself spiral. I wouldn’t become depressed. I’d be hurt, sure, but I’d be able to move on.

I hoped.

“You look miserable,” Christian commented. We still had a minute or two before the bell rang; other kids were filtering into the classroom, taking their own seats. Alec always made it a point to be ten seconds from late so as to avoid seeing Christian and I together as much as he could.

“I’m not,” I muttered, meeting his eyes. My breath caught in the back of my throat as I stared at his handsome face. every time I wasn’t around him, I forgot how manly he truly was, and each time I was near him, I was reminded of the fact. Any girl would be attracted to him; I couldn’t blame my body for wanting his.

“You’re a bad liar,” he said.

I closed my eyes, wishing that was true.

Christian leaned closer to me, saying, “You look depressed. I hope it’s not because you’ve decided you don’t want to go to the dance with me after all. It’s too late, Elle. I already bought my tie to match your dress, and all the other pretty girls are taken.”

Okay, at that, I opened my eyes and glared at him.

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