Page 60 of Taming Tyler Hayes

“But like, I think we need to be honest with each other. About everything…”

“Hayes?” Ryan asked cautiously. “What’s going on?”

“Sit.”

“OK,” Ryan agreed, immediately having a seat on the bed and patting it. “Come sit, too.”

Hayes shook his head. “Nah. Listen, I’m just gonna say it. The night you left, I couldn’t take it. I asked for somethin’ strong, to take all the pain away, so TK shot me up with heroin…”

“You did heroin?”

“Yes, and…”

Ryan nodded, biting his bottom lip. “You let that motherfucker shoot you up? With heroin?”

“Yes. And apparently, heroin causes this like, insanely vivid dream-like state, especially the first high. He stayed the night to make sure I was OK. Long story short, I ended up thinkin’ he was you and I hooked up with him. We didn’t have sex, though. We didn’t even kiss…”

Ryan’s face dropped. “Then what did you do, Tyler?”

“Um…” He paused, taking a deep breath and blowing it out. “Jerked each other off a little and then we…docked. I swear to God, in my head it was you.”

“Well, considering neither of us has foreskin, Hayes? That sounds like bullshit.”

“I know. But I absolutely believed it was you up until the moment I opened my eyes and realized it wasn’t. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it’s the truth, Rook. God's honest truth.”

Ryan leaned back, lying flat on the bed and covering his eyes with his hands. “It doesn’t sound…like bullshit. It is…bullshit.” Ryan took a few deep breaths. He could feel it coming on, but he fought it hard. “Tyler…”

“I’m not done,” Hayes continued. “Thanksgiving night, I started havin’ all these crazy thoughts outta nowhere. I Ubered to the East Washington Avenue Bridge and thought about jumpin’. I wanted to end it all, Rook. But I thought about you and I couldn’t do it. Teek came and got me and we decided to get clean together, but clean ended up being a schedule of round the clock hits of oxy and coke just to keep us functional.

“We went out the night before my birthday. He rented the Lambo and took me to a strip club. We did molly and he paid two of the girls to blow us, but I didn’t. I smacked off watching him get head from both of them, though. Sometime after that, we wrecked. I don’t…even know how it happened.”

Ryan didn’t move. Hayes sat down on the edge of the bed, clutching his side as his ribs started to hurt since the oxys were beginning to wear off.

“Tyler. I don’t know what to say or think right now.”

“Me neither. But I wanted to be honest with you. You deserve that much.”

“Gee, thanks!” Ryan scoffed. “You know docking is like, one of the most intimate things two guys can do with each other, right? Christ, Hayes. I’d rather you’d just fucked him.”

“Ryan, I’m sorry. It wasn’t…it wasn’t me.”

“Did it feel good?”

“Rook, don’t…”

“Did it?” Ryan asked desperately, tears pooling in his eyes and overflowing onto his cheeks. “Did it feel good, Tyler?”

“I mean, yeah. But…”

“Did you cum? Did he make you cum?”

“No. He came. I puked my fuckin’ guts up.”

“Good!” Ryan spat. “I hope it burned.”

Neither of them had any clue what to say next. Hayes listened as Ryan’s breathing labored, knowing he was in the throes of a panic attack. He thought about asking if he needed some help grounding himself, but Ryan was able to self-regulate it after a few minutes.

“Do you hate me?” Hayes finally asked.

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