Page 40 of Vengeance is Mine

‘He was full of questions about when I had realised I might be different and what being gay involved.’

‘Did you think he was asking because he suspected he was gay himself?’

‘I did, yes. So, I asked him. That’s when he… you know, snapped.’

‘Oh God. What happened?’

‘Are you sure you want me to go on? You’ve gone very pale.’

I didn’t speak. I couldn’t. My mouth had gone dry. I nodded.

‘I think I said it in a joking kind of way. He asked me if I thought it would hurt, you know, sex with a man. I asked why he was so interested; did he want to try it out for himself? Something like that, anyway. I was laughing, and that seemed to set something off in him. His face just changed in a split second. He hit me across the head with his open hand, and I fell backwards onto a bench. I was dazed and confused and shocked. I had no idea where it had come from. It didn’t seem real. I didn’t even see him raise his hand, that’s how quickly it happened.’ Joby stopped and took a breath; he couldn’t meet my gaze. ‘The next thing I remember, he was pulling my trousers down. He held my arms behind my back and pushed my head down on the bench, and he… well, you can guess what he did.’

‘He had sex with you?’ My voice was loud with shock. Several customers in Nero’s turned around to look at us. I lowered my voice. ‘Sorry.’

‘He tried to. He couldn’t get it up. I managed to break free from his grip. I pushed him off and threw something at him, I’m not sure what. Then I pulled up my trousers and ran as fast as I could. I don’t know if he followed me. When I got home, I was going to pretend nothing had happened, but as soon as I saw my mum I started crying. I had to tell her. I told her everything.’

‘Did you report it to the police?’

‘No. My mum wanted me to. My dad was all for going around to Dominic’s to kill him. I was looking for comfort from them, and it ended up being me who had to calm them down.’ He smiled. ‘I knew that if we went to the police, I’d have to go through the whole story over and over again, and then go to court, and it would be in the papers, and everyone would know. I didn’t want that. What fifteen-year-old would?’

Joby was staring at the floor, and my heart broke for him. Such a traumatic attack, and at the hands of one of his friends too. So now attempted rape could be added to my father’s rap sheet. Had he graduated from rapist to murderer?

‘Did you ever see Dominic again after that?’

‘No.’

‘And the next time you heard about him was…?’

Joby nodded. ‘It took a while for it to sink in. I remember reading all the stories about it in as many newspapers as I could, just in case one of them had got it wrong, and it was someone else. For some reason, though, I wasn’t surprised. It was like I had been waiting to read about him doing something like that. I’ve struggled with it for many years. I wondered if there was something I could have done to stop him. I was broken for a long time.’

Joby looked back at the ground. He took a deep breath. He lifted up the sleeve on his left arm and showed me the scars from a suicide attempt on his wrist. His voice was shaking. ‘I blamed myself for not reporting him to the police when he attacked me. My mum found me unconscious on the bathroom floor and called for an ambulance. While I was recovering in hospital, I thought about what would have happened if I had reported Dominic to the police. It would have been my word against his. There was no actual rape, so there were no forensics. It was then I realised reporting him wouldn’t have got a conviction; it wouldn’t have changed anything. Only then did I start to forgive myself and heal.’

A wave of sadness swept over me. I wanted to cry. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to drag all this up…’

He reached across the table and placed his warm hands on top of mine. ‘No. It’s okay. I’m a social worker – I ask difficult questions all the time. It’s just strange being on the receiving end of them.’

‘Is that why you went into social work – to help others?’

Joby nodded. ‘I want children to know they have someone to talk to if they need it. If they don’t think they can talk to their parents or any family members, they can come to me. In a way, I’m a survivor. I tell them that. I survived, and they can too. I can be their voice.’

‘You do a good job.’

‘Thank you.’ He looked at his watch.

‘Sorry, I’m keeping you. Let me ask one last thing, what did you think when you heard Dominic was being released?’

‘I don’t know. I wasn’t surprised. I always knew he’d get out one day. I just didn’t think it would come around so quickly.’

‘What are your feelings towards him?’

‘I don’t have any.’

‘Do you hate him?’

‘Hating him would take too much energy. I let it go a long time ago.’

‘I can understand that.’ I smiled weakly. ‘I’m struggling with how I should be feeling towards him. I really appreciate you agreeing to see me, Joby. It can’t have been easy.’

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