Page 12 of Vengeance is Mine

Lunchtime couldn’t come soon enough. As much as I’m enjoying learning about the legal profession, I’m not doing much work beyond filing and looking over people’s shoulders at what they do. I’m aware that I have to learn from the bottom up, and I don’t mind paying my dues, but bloody hell, it’s dull.

At lunch, I drove to Hollyhocks to see Mum. I hadn’t stopped thinking about her since I found out she could have been killed by her boyfriend twenty years ago. I don’t think Pop-pop and Mee-maw would have recovered from losing their only child. On the drive over, I wondered if I should tell her what I had been researching. She was already upset enough, and I didn’t want to make her feel worse.

‘Dawn, I didn’t expect to see you,’ Mum said, as I entered the shop. It wasn’t a large space, but Mum utilised what she had perfectly. Silver buckets of flowers were scattered across floor and shelves. You couldn’t help but feel happy when you entered and saw so many vibrant colours and breathed in the heady scents. Mum had a genuine smile on her face when she saw me. It made me smile in return.

It must have been incredibly difficult for her to keep this secret for twenty years. She must have tortured herself, wondering if and when to tell me, hoping it would never come up. When it did, with Dominic’s impending release hitting the newspapers, she’d panicked. I suddenly understood everything.

‘How are you feeling?’ I asked.

‘I’m fine, thanks.’

I looked back at the front door with the chipboard covering the bottom panel. ‘You’ll need to get that replaced soon.’

‘I’m waiting for a glazier to come round this afternoon.’ She looked embarrassed. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘I’m fine’ was all I could think to say. ‘What are you up to?’

‘I’m putting a wreath together for a funeral.’

‘Oh. That’s… nice. Am I okay to make a cup of tea?’

‘Of course you are. You don’t need to ask.’

‘Would you like one?’

‘Please.’

I walked past Mum and went into the back room where I flicked on the kettle. Mum followed.

‘Dawn, do you want to talk?’

‘About what?’

‘Climate change. What do you think?’ she said, deadpan.

‘I don’t think so, Mum, not yet. Can I open these Bourbons?’

‘Of course. I was thinking, if you have any more questions about Dominic, you can ask them. I don’t want him to be something that comes between us.’

I looked up from the packet of biscuits I was struggling to open. Mum had this hopeful look on her face. I bet she wished she could turn back the clock twenty-four hours and do everything differently. Or maybe she’d like to turn it back ten years to when she sat me down and told me I was the result of a shag in someone’s back bedroom, and tell me the truth instead. Or maybe she’d like to turn the clock back to 1997 when she first met Dominic, reject his offer of a date and never sleep with him in the first place. However, that would mean I wouldn’t be standing here now. Had Mum ever regretted having me, even in her darkest days, when struggling with a crying baby and university work? She probably had.

The kettle boiled, bringing me back from my dark thoughts. A shiver ran down my spine and I shuddered. I made the tea and handed a mug to Mum.

‘Are we all right?’ she asked.

‘Yes.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Mum, we’re fine.’ My goodness, I’m a liar. ‘It was a bit of a shock at first. Actually, it was a massive shock to discover my father is a killer, but, well, I can’t change it, can I?’

‘No. I really am sorry, Dawn. I know I handled everything so badly. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing.’

‘I know.’

‘Can we have a hug?’ she asked.

That’s what I needed more than anything. A hug from my mum. Who cared if I was twenty-one years old? I didn’t. I wanted my mum to hug me and tell me everything was all right. I smiled, put down my mug and held my arms out. As I’m taller and heavier, it was more like me hugging Mum than the other way round, but it was the sense of comfort and familiarity that was important. When you’re being held by a parent, you’re indestructible. When the end of the world came, I wanted to be standing right there in my mum’s arms. The end of everything wouldn’t seem as frightening then.

---