Page 83 of Pelvic Flaws

“You’re no fucking fun when you’re not getting any. I think your balls are so fucking full, they’re actually dragging you down.”

“How do you know my balls are full?” I asked looking down at them, wondering if they looked any bigger than usual.

“Stands to reason, you haven’t had a hook up with Debbie in a while, you told me nothing happened last time you saw her and I know you haven’t done the deed with Katie so, voila, full balls.” Jethro pointed at my crotch with his beer bottle.

I burst out laughing, despite the fact he was talking shit. “Stupid idiot,” I muttered.

“Seriously dude,” he replied. “I feel for you, I’ve been there. I know no amount of introducing your cock to Pam and her five lovely sisters, eases the pain.” He did a Jazz hand at me as he grimaced. “There’s only the real thing that can do it.”

“When have you ever had blue balls?” I scoffed. “I’ve had longer bathroom breaks than you’ve had time between women.”

Jethro thought about it for a few seconds and then lifted a finger. “When I was eighteen, I broke my leg and was holed up in the house for almost two weeks. My bloody mum wouldn’t let me go out, in the end I was so desperate, I ordered in.”

“Ordered in? What, like pizza or Chinese food?”

Jethro shook his head. “No you stupid fucker. I called a couple of girls I knew. They turned up with magazines and grapes and told my mum they were just visiting to see how I was.”

“But you had sex with them both?”

Jethro lifted a shoulder and smiled. “What can I say, when a man needs to cum, he needs to cum. Plus, when you’ve got a leg in plaster, they have to do all the work. It takes the pressure off and makes things much more enjoyable, especially with a pair of tits in your face and a pair of lips on your cock at the same time.”

“Nice,” I said, wondering how he ever managed to bag a woman with his lack of charm. “So two weeks is the longest you’ve ever gone without sex?” I wasn’t shocked one bit. He was a real dog when it came to women. Not mean or cruel about it, making it clear from the start he wasn’t interested in anything other than sex, but if he’d had a revolving door on his bedroom I wouldn’t be surprised.

“Well yeah,” he replied. “If you don’t count the fourteen years before I lost my virginity.”

“Fourteen? Woah, that’s pretty young.”

“Yeah it was,” he said with a wistful sigh. “The girl was sixteen and had these huge knockers.” Jethro put his hands in front of his chest, indicating a pair of tits. “Which you may think was a dream for a fourteen-year-old boy, but one look at them and boom, my dick exploded like a bottle of coke that had been shook up.”

I laughed imaging the scene – probably very similar to my own experience on my sixteenth birthday – not my finest sexual moment, it had to be said.

“I gave it ten minutes though and I was ready to try again. That time I lasted a whole four minutes.” Jethro furrowed his brow. “I don’t even know whether the girl got off or not.”

“Do you even remember her name?” I asked.

He thought about it and then his eyes lit up. “Yep. Amanda Willington. Pretty girl with brown hair and braces. What about you, who was your first?”

I didn’t hesitate. “Bettina Johnson. She was a cheerleader and real bendy.”

“Hah, why am I not surprised that you fucked a cheerleader?”

I grinned and took a drink of my beer before responding. “I played football, of course I was gonna have my first experience with a cheerleader. I even dated one for two years.”

We had turned our conversation to music for a few minutes, when I saw my cell buzzing with an incoming call. I grabbed it, hoping it might be Katie, but was disappointed to see it was international. I pressed at the screen to drop the call.

“When will they get the fucking hint that I know there’s no fucking issue with my computer, or that I can’t be tricked into giving out my bank details,” I moaned.

“Not who you hoped it to be?” Jethro gave me a knowing smirk as his gaze drifted over my shoulder.

“Told you I ain’t expecting a call. I’m just sick of scammers.”

“Well forget the scammers and maybe consider how you’d feel if the woman of your dreams walked into this bar.” He nodded toward the entrance, which was behind me.

I swiveled in my seat to see the most beautiful sight I’d seen in three days – Katie was walking in, laughing and joking with one of the other women in her group of four.

“I think,” Jethro said, tapping my hand, “you should go on over there and maybe this time tomorrow, your little issue will be resolved.”

Without taking my eyes off Katie, I flipped him off, watching her walk across the room to the bar. She leaned across it and gave her order to the weedy, tall guy serving and then turned to her friends, one of whom I recognized as Mandy.

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