Page 65 of Pelvic Flaws

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“So, did the big, blond idiot behave himself, or did he frighten that nice, young man of yours off?” Mum patted the orange mass on her head and settled herself back in the armchair.

“He was fine. Dex gave him a sheet of information about himself and Carl seemed happy with it. He was pleased that he’d offered Isaac a job too, so it was all pretty amicable.”

I flopped down onto the sofa and flipped off my shoes. They’d been bloody killing me all night, apart from the time I’d taken them off at Dex’s apartment, but I’d hidden it and made it look as though I wore shoes only wide enough for a small child all the time.

“Did he ask after me?” Mum asked.

My head shot up to look at her. “Who, Dex?”

“No, Carl, of course. I was his mother-in-law for a long time. Although,” she said, giving her head a little wobble, “did he?”

“No, neither of them did.” I rolled my eyes. “They obviously forgot.”

Mum’s mouth turned down. She was truly disappointed that she hadn’t been the topic of conversation – like I’d said, Carly Simon’s song was definitely for her.

“I suppose they did have other things on their minds. So, why didn’t Dex come in? It would have been nice to have a chat with him.”

“Because,” I sighed. “Carl doesn’t want him around the kids just yet.”

“What a bloody load of cow shit,” she cried. “Like he didn’t have that little floozy hanging around with them as soon as he’d enticed her with his money and stupid blond hair.”

I let out a laugh, loving my mother’s irritation of my ex-husband, even though it wasn’t always founded.

“He didn’t introduce them straight away.” I corrected her. “And it was me who insisted that he didn’t.”

“Huh, so it’s just tit for bloody tat then. Stupid tool.”

“Mum,” I gasped. “You can’t call him that. He’s the father of my kids.”

“That as it may be, he’s still a stupid tool with stupid blond hair.”

I was beginning to think she had hair color envy where Carl was concerned.

“How was Charlie, anyway?” I asked. “He’s not shown any signs of being sick again, has he?”

“No, he’s right as rain. He told me that Sophie Tit Wank woman made some bloody food that probably made him ill.”

“Mother!” I exclaimed. “You shouldn’t be calling her that.”

“Why not?” she asked, furrowing her brow. “Everyone else does.”

“Well you don’t even know her for a start. You can’t call people names when you don’t even know them.”

My mum curled her lip. “I can if I want to. She took your husband off you.”

I sighed heavily. “How many times do I have to tell you – Carl did not leave me for Sophie.”

“So he says,” she grumbled. “But I’m betting he already had his eye on her. Are you sure those bosooms of hers aren’t fake?”

“Bosooms?” I cried. “What the hell are bosooms?”

“Like Bosoms but with an ‘oo’. When you look at them you can’t help but go, ‘oo’.” Mum looked down at her own chest, which was much more a bosom than a bosoom. “I know mine are good for my age, but doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a much better pair.” Her gaze then darted to mine.

“What? What’s wrong with mine?”

She thought for a few seconds.

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