Page 26 of Pelvic Flaws

I could feel the heat starting to bubble from the pit of my stomach and build and boil, all the way up my body. The hideous feeling that a hot flush was on its way. The curdling of my stomach was my sixty second warning and then – boom! Lava filled my veins.

“You okay, Mum?” Annie asked, as I slammed down the iron.

“Yep.” I blew out a breath, blowing my hair up. “Just having a flush.”

Suddenly my whole body was on fire as the lava made its appearance, sweat pouring from every place possible.

“You want me to go and get the electric fan?” Annie asked, pushing up from the sofa.

I snatched up a magazine and started to waft myself. “No, it’ll pass in a couple of minutes,” I said, trying to ignore the swirling feeling pumping through my veins and the sweat sliding down my back.

“God, I can’t wait to get old,” Annie grumbled sarcastically. “It’s bad enough having periods, but then you have to go through all this, just so you can be rid of them.”

I wanted to remind her of the mood swings, the ability to wet yourself when sneezing, and the inability to sleep, to name just a few little gems, but thought it best she enjoyed the next thirty or so years before worrying about them.

“We have it bad too, you know,” Isaac chipped in from his perch on the armchair.

“How do you have it bad?” Annie asked, pulling the magazine from my hand and taking over the wafting.

“You try explaining to Mum why your sheets are hard and crusty.”

“Isaac,” Annie cried. “You’re disgusting.”

Isaac grinned. “Don’t worry though, I’ve told Charlie about the old sock trick.”

“The what?”

“Please tell me you haven’t,” I groaned, arching my neck for Annie to get better access to it with the magazine.

“Yeah. Now it won’t be so embarrassing for him. You’ll just think he’s worn the same socks for days.”

“Well I won’t know, will I?”

“Will someone tell me what you’re talking about?” Annie asked, fanning vigorously.

“Well you get a sock -.”

“Isaac. No! Your sister doesn’t need to know.”

“Yes I do. Isaac tell me.”

“Put a sock on the end of-.”

“Isaac!”

As my eldest spawn grinned at me, my mobile began to ring. Searching around, I saw it on the side table, next to the sofa, but I was hemmed in by the ironing board and Annie.

“Annie, phone please.”

“Only if you let Isaac tell me the sock thing.”

As my phone continued to ring insistently, I realised I really didn’t like my children very much.

“Okay. Now pass me my phone.”

Grinning at Isaac, Annie passed it to me. Snatching it from her hands, I answered without looking who it was, worried that Carl might have forgotten about picking Charlie up from football practice and it was the coach calling me.

“Hello, Katie speaking.”

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