Page 5 of It's Never Not Been You

Fidelity was one of those places that were caught in between being a town and a city. It was small enough to know a lot of people, but still big enough to come across a stranger every day. It also had the standard ‘sides of town’ like most places, and I’d been fortunate enough that Madison had lived on the same side of town as I’d had growing up. Neither rich nor poor, we had grown up in a regular neighborhood, going to regular schools, and doing regular teenage shit. We’d been friends until we had become more, and it had all started at a house party after a football game one night.

While the memories of her before that night had gotten a little sketchy over time, the memory of that party was still crystal clear in my head. She’d gotten into a huge fight with her ex-boyfriend, and when he had started messing with some girl to make Madison jealous, I had helped her return the favor. What had started out as a joke had turned into me not being able to pull my lips off hers, making us inseparable after that night. Yeah, I had ended up having to kick her ex’s ass, but it’d been all worth it.

Two years later, we had applied to the same colleges, both of us attending Forrester University together, everything seemingly perfect. Though we’d had our fair share of fights like every couple, doubt about Madison being my future had never entered my mind, no matter how vicious the fight. The idea of not having Madison in my life had always left me feeling breathless, grasping for air.

There was also the fact that Madison was the only woman that I’d ever known. Having begun dating when we’d been only sophomores in high school, Madison had given me her virginity at the same time that I had given her mine. It’d been awkward, uncomfortable, and a complete disaster when I had lasted only five minutes, but it was one of my favorite memories of all time. Luckily, Madison had loved me enough to let me make up for it, and after a few weeks, she hadn’t been able to get enough of me. Being a teenage boy in love, it was safe to say that I hadn’t been able to keep my hands off her, either.

After graduating college with our degrees, we had agreed to return home to start our careers and raise our family later down the road. With a degree in marketing, Madison had found a job easily, her creative mind able to bring visions to life with an intelligence and gift that still astounded me. I could remember her getting lost in her projects, always devoting herself to producing the best for her clients, and the woman had made me proud every day.

Finding a job had been just as easy for me during that time. With a degree in structural engineering there’d been lots of jobs available if you’d been willing to start at the bottom, and I’d been willing. However, over the years, I’d found myself feeling suffocated with the limits placed on me by the corporate rat race. So, at twenty-eight, I had decided to go out on my own and try to create something for myself. Madison had been excited for me, and our parents had been in full support.

Shortly after making that decision, Troy had announced his plans to marry his girlfriend of five years, Valerie Stuman. As his best friend, I had been included in all the groom’s planning for the wedding, Caspian also being a part of the festivities. It’d been a good time until the girls had begun to question why I hadn’t proposed to Madison yet. While it hadn’t seemed to upset Madison, I’d felt like all eyes had been judging her unfairly. Though I really wasn’t one to give a fuck what people thought about me, it’d been Madison that people had been criticizing, wondering what could possibly be so wrong with her that I hadn’t proposed yet.

So, like a fucking idiot, I had proposed after Troy’s wedding to Valerie. Now, I hadn’t been tacky enough to do it at his reception or anything like that; I had proposed two weeks after their nuptials. I had done it for Madison, and that had been my first mistake. I should have proposed to her because it’d been the right time and nothing more. The bitch of it was the fact that I should have married her years ago. I should have married her right out of college, instead of letting life get in the way. I had woken up every morning to the right time to propose to Madison, but I’d hadn’t. I hadn’t bothered because it had never occurred to me that we’d ever break up.

At any rate, I had let Madison plan the wedding, carrying out her orders like most grooms did. At the same time, I’d been trying to get McKay Engineering off the ground, so I’d been happy to let Madison take care of everything, and she’d been happy to have me out of the way. Though we had made sure to make all the important decisions together, I had left the little details up to her. All men cared about was getting married, they didn’t give a fuck about invitations or color schemes.

Everything had been going well enough until the night of the bachelor party. Troy had arranged a gawdy party at a strip club a couple of towns over, and I could remember the exact moment that I’d started to panic. Everyone had been having a great time, a typical bachelor party in full swing, and while I’d been buzzed enough to enjoy a night out with my friends, my buzz had died a violent death when I’d seen Caspian stuffing money in one of the stripper’s g-string.

The casual dismissal of money had thrown me into a panic. The punch of starting my own company had hit me square in the chest, and then I let the fear of failing Madison take me to a dark place, and for the first time since I’d gotten it in my head to start my own company, I’d begun to have doubts. The pressure to provide the perfect life for Madison had hit me hard, and I still had no idea why. Madison had never been the type of woman that cared about money or materialistic status, so that fear hadn’t been warranted, but that hadn’t mattered at the time. The man in me had begun to panic at the thought of failing the person that mattered the most in the world to me, and that’s why I’d been muttering like a jackass that night. If I’d been the cheating type, then I could have probably gotten out of my own head long enough to forget my worries, but I wasn’t the cheating type. A year later, Madison was still the only woman that I’d ever slept with.

Madison disappearing on me had also almost broken me. Finding out that her parents had helped get her out of town undetected, I had almost gotten arrested. I could remember losing my rabid ass mind on their front yard, my chest feeling like it was cracking in two and would never heal. Those first few months had been brutal ones, but instead of landing myself in prison, I had taken all that anger and remorseful energy and had put it into making McKay Engineering what it was today.

For twelve months, I hadn’t stopped hounding Madison’s friends or family, either. For twelve months, I had searched the internet for any signs of her. For twelve months, I’d done nothing but drink myself to sleep at night, not sure if I was an alcoholic at this point or not.

The worst part was how everyone refused to be happy around me. Troy rarely invited me to anything at his house, not wanting to rub his marital bliss in my face. Caspian was finally in a serious relationship with a girl that he’d met six months ago, but he never brought her around. The first time that I’d met Lilibeth Vanencek, I could remember thinking that she was perfect for Caspian. She was a spitfire that knew how to keep him in line, but she was also very affectionate, something that Caspian didn’t appreciate when I was around, which made me feel bad.

Even my parents were careful around me, and I felt like shit that everyone was treating me like a wounded tiger because I couldn’t move past what I’d done to Madison. Nevertheless, when you hurt the one person in the world that means the most to you, you shouldn’t be able to move past it. I didn’t deserve to be happy, and that wasn’t me martyring myself. No matter how much I drank at night, my eyes always closed on the image of Madison’s face when she gave me back my engagement ring.

If that weren’t enough, even her sister and best friend had found love during this last year. Eris had started dating a contractor that she’d met while renovating her salon, and by Bernie’s accounts, they seemed really happy. When I had hired Bernie, I had hired him to stalk all of Madison’s friends and family, so I knew more about her people than I had a right to.

Her best friend, River Primrose, had also started dating a guy a couple of months ago, and though the relationship was fairly new, according to Bernie’s reports, they also seemed happy. Everywhere I looked, love was in the goddamn air, and I fucking hated it. Now, while I didn’t hate that they were happy, I hated that life kept going on. I hated that the world hadn’t stopped to address my anger and regret. I hated that my pain wasn’t enough to make everyone stop what they were doing to help me fix this shit, though no one was obligated to help me fix anything. I had fucked up, no one else.

Staring out into the night sky from my office, I could feel myself coming undone with the agonizing wait. I had no idea what Bernie would bring back after investigating the guy that Madison was living with, and if he was more than a friend, I knew that there was no way that I’d be able to handle that. There was also no way that I’d be able to live in the same town as Madison and her new love, so leaving everything to Caspian and Troy would be one of the easiest decisions that I’d ever make in my life.

For my sanity’s sake, I refused to believe that Madison had moved on. Only a year ago, she’d been ready to tie her life to mine forever, so how in the fuck could she not still love me? I wasn’t sure if someone could really force themselves to fall out of love with a person, but if they could, I still couldn’t see Madison doing that. We were meant to be together forever, and I believed that more now than ever. I would always believe that about us.

Nevertheless, if Madison had moved on, then she better be prepared for the fight of her life.

Chapter 4

Madison~

Everything felt like it was going too well, and that was never a good feeling. Pierce and I had finished unpacking everything this weekend, and the condo looked like we’d been living there forever. Even all the utilities and our cable and internet had been set up with ease, last night being the first good night sleep that I’d had since deciding to move back.

As for work, it was our first day, and House Marketing had welcomed us both with open arms. Though Pierce and I didn’t work in the same department, or even on the same floor, I’d never had a problem making friends, and one look at Pierce, and why wouldn’t people want to get to know him? He was gorgeous, personable, and just a good guy.

Now, while I had a private office, Pierce didn’t. He worked with the graphic designers and app teams, so he was in a cubicle that matched the many on that floor. However, according to him, since they all spent most of their time in the designing rooms, he didn’t mind the cubicle. He said that it was more of a personal space than anything else.

At any rate, Eris and River had shown up to take us to lunch, celebrating our first day of work like we were kids excited about the first day of kindergarten.

“It’s so good to have you back,” River said over the noise in the crowded diner. We had all agreed to just go to the closest restaurant, not wanting to fight the traffic during lunch hour.

“Missed me?” I teased.

“Of course,” she huffed. “You always have wine for me the week before school starts.”

Pierce let out a soft chuckle. “I may be only thirty-two, but I cannot identify with kids these days. Raised on a ranch, all I know is work.”

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