Page 38 of It's Never Not Been You

I choked out two little words that he didn’t deserve but would explain what I was doing here. “I’m…I’m so…sorry.”

“Motherfucker,” he swore under his breath. “Madison, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

I didn’t care what he said. Though I didn’t regret leaving the way that I’d had, I still could have handled things more maturely. Looking back, I could admit that I’d wanted Raddix to suffer for breaking my heart, so I’d done the one thing that I knew would hurt him back. By leaving the way that I’d had, I’d taken away his control of the situation, and everyone knew that men didn’t do well with that.

The tears were still flowing, so I said nothing. I just held onto him, crying into his chest for what felt like forever. This wasn’t the way that I had planned on doing this. The plan had been to come in here and make demands confidently, to make sure that he knew how much he owed me for giving him a second chance. I had wanted to salvage some of my pride and make it look like I hadn’t caved. The plan had been to appear strong and honest.

Well, nothing was more honest than the tears that I couldn’t stop. I knew that I was going to look like a mess once I was done, but I didn’t care. Our drama was already being whispered about all over House Marketing and throughout the walls of McKay Engineering, so seeing me a crying mess wasn’t going to surprise anyone at this point.

“Stop crying,” Raddix begged. “Madison, please. I can’t fucking stand it when you’re anything less than happy, baby.”

I didn’t stop crying, and I didn’t stop when Raddix lifted me, then carried me to his desk chair. I just held on, crying like I had a never-ending source of tears. I just let Raddix hold me on his lap as I cried every emotion that I’d ever felt, or so it seemed.

When my wails finally subsided to quiet tears, Raddix said, “I’m so fucking sorry, Madison. I…I’m so fucking sorry, baby.”

“You should be,” I replied on a whisper, caving but still not making it easy for him.

“I’ll do anything,” he said once again. “I’ll do whatever it fucking takes to get us past this. I’m not stupid enough to think that I could ever fix what I did or erase what you felt, but I’ll do whatever needs to be done to push us past what I did.”

“I just want to be happy again, Raddix,” I confessed, feeling so goddamn exhausted that I could sleep until tomorrow. “I’m so tired of feeling hurt and confused.” I let out a shaky breath. “It’s so exhausting hating you all the time.”

“Don’t do this because you’re feeling vulnerable, Madison,” he said, surprising me. “I don’t need you changing your mind in the morning.”

“I’m not,” I assured him. “I just…I talked with Eris, River, and Pierce, and they made me realize that I could very well regret not trying when the time comes that you finally move on.”

Raddix was quick about repositioning me until I was straddling his lap. With his hands cradling my face, he said, “One week, one month, or a hundred fucking years, it’s impossible for me to move on from you, Madison.” My eyes started to sting again. “Even if you’re able to move past me to marry someone else, that still wouldn’t stop me from waiting for you. There’s no moving on because there’s nothing out there for me after you. I’ll never stop chasing you, baby. Even when I have you, I’ll still never stop.”

“You only get one chance, Raddix,” I told him, hoping that it was true. Staring into his face, I knew that Raddix was always going to be my greatest weakness, and that was some scary shit.

“I only need one,” he assured me. “It was never about you, Madison. I’ve loved you damn near all my life, so it was never about you. I let my ego conjure scenarios that weren’t real, and I’m so fucking sorry for that. It’s a regret that I’m going to take to my grave.” He let out a deep breath. “I never meant to hurt you, baby.”

“What if it doesn’t work out?”

He shot me a look that I’d always found sexy as hell in the past. “You’re out of your fucking mind if you think I won’t kill myself to make this work, Madison. Us not working out is not an option for me. It’ll never be an option for me.”

“Nothing’s guaranteed, Raddix.”

“We are,” he vowed, sending a rush of emotion through my chest. “If I know nothing else in life, I know for a fact that you and I were meant to be. God created you specifically for me, and I know that like I know my own name.”

“Is the Raddix that I knew a year ago still in there?” I asked after seeing just what Caspian had been talking about that one day.

“No,” he answered, a smirk on his lips. “That Raddix was stupid. I’m not stupid anymore, baby.”

Despite it all, that got a laugh out of me. “Oh, really?”

Raddix’s hands went to my hips. “I’m still the same man that you fell in love with, Madison,” he said seriously. “I’m just more…prioritized now, and nothing is more important to me than you.”

“Baby steps?”

Raddix immediately shook his head. “No.”

“Raddix-”

“It doesn’t matter that Pierce is gay, Madison,” he said, cutting me off. “I can’t have you living with another man. Period.” I knew that look in his eye, and there was no way that he was going to budge on this. “I’ll buy the condo, so that you’ve fulfilled your financial commitment to it, but you will not be living with Pierce.”

“What if I’m not ready to move back into the house?” I posed.

“Then I’ll buy you another fucking house, condo, or rent you an apartment,” he answered easily. “We’ll do it your way, but not with you living with another man.”

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