Page 34 of It's Never Not Been You

“Raddix-”

“Get back into bed!” I roared, finally pushed out of my goddamn mind.

“This changes nothing,” she repeated, burrowing herself back underneath the covers. “This changes nothing, Raddix.”

Ignoring everything that she was saying, I removed my sweats and boxers before getting back into bed with her. Though she looked wary, she didn’t look scared, and that told me so much more than her words ever could. If Madison really believed that I could hurt her, she’d be a frightened mess right now, or fighting me to call the cops or escape.

However, she was doing none of those things.

Crawling over her body, I said, “I already told you that I wasn’t going to let you leave until I was done with you.” Fire leaped into her eyes. “And I’m never going to be done with you, Madison.”

“This isn’t you winning, Raddix,” she stated, even as she spread her legs for me again.

“This isn’t me losing, either,” I pointed out, already sliding back inside her.

Chapter 22

Madison~

I looked and felt like hell, and I knew that I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. When Raddix had finally let me leave the house this morning for work, there’d been no more denying that I was way in over my head, and I needed advice-badly.

So, after sending out a 911 text to Pierce, River, and Eris, we had all agreed to work a half-day, ordering pizza for lunch at the condo, no significant others around to embarrass me more. A part of me had wanted to talk to my parents, but my parents were supportive enough to agree to anything if it would make me happy. I needed tough love and/or some brutal honesty, and I knew that I couldn’t get that from my parents, no matter how wonderful they were.

With pizza on the table, wine and beer available to all in the middle of the day, and an earful of the past week, Eris, Pierce, and River were all looking at me like I was the season finale of their favorite reality television show. Though I’d been respectable enough to leave out all the sexual details of Raddix laying siege to my body, I’d been completely honest about everything else, including the fights and every hurtful, regrettable word spewed between us both.

After finishing off my beer, I said, “I just don’t know what to do.”

Eris let out a heavy sigh, and my stomach rolled with dread. Out of all three of these people, Eris was the one that didn’t pull back on her punches. “I’m going to ask you something, okay?” I nodded. “You say that you can’t see yourself having kids with Raddix because you don’t trust what he says that he feels for you, right?” I nodded again as her face softened. “Yet, you’re willing to do that to another man?”

I scowled. “What do you mean?”

“C’mon, Maddie,” she said softly. “You’re always going to love Raddix, so that’s going to make your future husband second choice. Should he have children with a woman that will never be over her ex?” My stomach threatened to erupt over that bit of truth. “It’s okay for your future husband to doubt your feelings for him, but it’s not okay for you to doubt Raddix’s feelings for you?”

“There’s also something else to consider,” River chimed in. “If you think that your heart’s broken now, how are you going to feel when Raddix finally moves on, Madison? No matter what he claims, a person can take only so many beatings before self-preservation kicks in. How are you going to feel when Raddix is married to someone else? When they’re pregnant and living the life that you threw away.”

“Raddix threw it away,” I reminded her, pushing down the pain at these imagined futures.

“Raddix made a mistake, Blue,” Pierce said, finally joining in. “You’re the one throwing it all away.”

“How can you say that?” I choked out. “You saw what he did to me.”

“I did,” he agreed gently. “I did see what he did to you. But I also see what you’re doing to him now, Blue. Are the punishments fitting the crimes?”

“More importantly, is refusing to go back to him going to make you happy, Madison?” Eris asked. “At the end of all this, that’s all that any of us want for you. So, just be honest with yourself. No matter how embarrassing, how hurtful, or how hard, do you really believe that you can be happy with someone else.” She reached out to squeeze my arm. “If you can, then I’ll go with you to the courthouse to get a restraining order against Raddix McKay first thing in the morning.”

“But if you can’t,” River said, taking over. “If you can’t see that, then you’re going to move past your hurt and anger, and do what’s best for your future self, Madison. As much as Raddix loves you, if he ends up marrying someone else, you know that he’ll never divorce her.”

“Maddie, I’m saying this as someone that’s had a front row seat to your relationship with Raddix, so don’t get mad at me, okay?” I just nodded at Eris. “You will never find another man that will ever love you as much as Raddix does. You’ve been his whole life since you were teenagers, and though he fucked-up, I believe his reasons for what he said and why.” She looked like she was betraying me, and I hated that she felt like she was taking his side with her version of the truth. “Raddix has always looked at you like nothing else in the world existed. Do you really want him looking at another woman like that?”

“If he loves me like he says he does, then he won’t,” I argued.

Eris and River sighed as Pierce said, “According to what you claim to believe, he doesn’t, though. Right?” Pierce’s hazel gaze was challenging my convictions. “So, if you really don’t trust what he feels for you, and you really believe that he doesn’t love you, then you should expect him to worship his wife when the time comes for him to finally get married. You can’t have it both ways, Blue.”

Tears started stinging the back of my eyes. “How is this my fault?”

“It’s not,” River quickly rushed out. “Raddix fucked up, and no one is disputing that, Maddie. We’re just asking you to search your heart for answers to what you really want. As romantic as it might sound, Raddix is not going to spend the rest of his life chasing after you. Eventually, he’s going to move on, and can you honestly say that you will be happy with that? And how many men are you willing to go through in order to find the one that finally measures up to the love of your life?”

“Newsflash, Blue, no one else can ever measure up to the love of your life,” Pierce snorted. “That’s why they’re called the love of your life.”

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