Page 29 of It's Never Not Been You

Raddix stepped to me, anger vibrating all around him. “Neither is Pierce,” he snarled. “If he didn’t want to talk to me, then he could have easily refused to do so, Madison. I didn’t force him to tell me anything. I didn’t force him to do a motherfucking thing. So, yeah, while I might not be the victim in this scenario, neither is Pierce. He chose to answer my questions.”

“Questions that you had no right asking in the first place,” I spat. “That’s the point, Raddix.”

“I’m confused, Madison,” he said, and his voice dropped a few degrees, causing me to take a step back. “I keep telling you that I will do anything to get you back, yet you’re surprised every single time that I do exactly that.”

Ignoring the truth, I said, “Leave Pierce alone.”

“Not a problem,” he bit out. “Now that I know about his own troubles, I’m fine with that.”

I shook my head. “You used to never be this cold, Raddix.”

“I’ve never had my life hanging in the balance before,” he shot back. “You keep accusing me of acting like a victim, but I’m not. I’m acting like a man that knows what he lost and refuses to let it happen again. I’ve taken responsibility for my fuck-up, Madison. Have you?”

My back snapped straight at that. “I don’t have any fuck-ups that I need to take responsibility for.”

“Fifteen years of love should have afforded me a chance to explain myself,” he replied coolly. “Or did you just not love me enough. Maybe your kind of love requires perfection only.”

“You bastard,” I snarled. “You unimaginable bastard.”

“Instead of blaming me for my one mistake, you’re blaming me for being weak enough to forgive me, and that’s not my fault,” he went on mercilessly. “I’m not the reason you ran off. Own that, Madison, and then maybe we can move past this.”

“That’s what you refuse to get through your thick head,” I flung back. “I don’t want to move past this. I don’t want to get back together.”

“You’re lying!” he roared. “Quit fucking lying to me!”

I was self-aware enough to know that my anger was the one in charge right now. I was so mad that Raddix could have brought up painful memories for Pierce that I wanted him to hurt also. Pierce’s heartbreak was the kind that a person might never get over. He’d been all in with Rex. He’d been devoted, committed, and completely in love with the man. Rex had been Pierce’s future. Whenever Pierce had spoken about him, it’d been with a belief that they’d be sitting side-by-side in rocking chairs at the ripe old age of ninety. Rex’s infidelity had torn Pierce’s heart to pieces, and the last thing that he needed was to be reminded of it all with Raddix’s bullshit.

“Leave Pierce out of this,” I ordered, wanting to get off our toxic merry-go-round. “Just…he’s got enough that he’s going through, Raddix.”

“Do you want me to apologize?” he asked, though he didn’t sound sincere. “Do you want me to beg for his forgiveness? Will that make it all better for you, Madison?”

“Quit being an asshole,” I spat.

“Then quit trying to hang me for crimes that I didn’t commit!” he yelled, angry like I was.

I lowered my head, lifting my fingers to my temples, wondering why I even bothered. If I hadn’t been so damn angry, then I never would have stormed over here. Every interaction with Raddix threatened my very sanity, and he was so much better at this than I was. I had spent the last twelve months mending a broken heart while Raddix had spent them becoming the man that was standing before me now.

“I never should have come here,” I muttered before looking back up at Raddix. “You’re right. If Pierce had an issue with talking to you, then he would have said so. He’s a big boy.”

Raddix’s jaw ticked. “Well, you’re here now, so we’re going to finish this.”

“It’s finished,” I semi-lied. “As long as you stay away from Pierce, it’s finished.”

He took a step closer towards me. “I’m not letting you leave this house, Madison.”

I knew that tone; I knew that look in his eye.

My heart started beating rapidly inside my chest, begging me to forgive him. It was acting like it hadn’t been shattered to pieces just a year ago. It was acting like Raddix’s hands on my body yesterday had mended everything. My heart was screaming with how much it missed him and still loved him.

My brain was telling me to run. My brain was pointing out that we would never survive another heartbreak from this man. It was reminding me that we had managed to live a whole year without Raddix McKay, so we could actually live without him, despite what my heart may feel.

My pride was calling me a fool. My pride was calling me all kinds of names, making me feel like I couldn’t even trust myself anymore. It was telling me that this past year would have been for nothing if I forgave him now. It was telling me that only a fool and weakling would ignore how badly Raddix had hurt me last year.

Nevertheless, that was the question, wasn’t it? Was it considered a sign of weakness or strength to forgive Raddix? Would I be considered a fool or brave to give him a second chance? If I made an emotional decision, then it’d be weakness leading me back into his arms. If I made a logical decision to move past this last year, then it’d be an obstacle that I’d been strong enough to overcome.

If only I knew which was the right answer.

Chapter 19

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