Page 27 of It's Never Not Been You

Surprisingly, no one stopped me as I roamed the aisles of the graphic-design floor. At McKay Engineering, you couldn’t walk around so freely, even after you got through the front doors. Every employee was required to wear a badge as proof of employment, and all visitors were escorted to their meetings or whatever. Corporate espionage was a real thing, and though Fidelity was hardly New York or London, we were still significant enough that security was a must. Besides, embezzlement could happen anywhere, even in a nail salon.

Searching the cubicles, it wasn’t until I’d almost gotten to the far east end of the floor that I finally spotted Pierce Edleman. He looked deep into what he was doing, but I didn’t care. I knew that my behavior was boorish to say the least, but I really felt like I was losing my goddamn mind.

“Edleman, we need to talk,” I bit out, trying my best to keep my voice down.

Startled, he looked up at me, surprise etched all over his face. “McKay?” His head swiveled around, presumably looking for Madison. When he couldn’t find her, he asked, “What are you doing here? Madison works-”

“I already saw Madison,” I informed him. “I’m here to speak with you.”

His back straightened in his seat. “About what?”

“What do you think?” I drawled out sardonically. “Madison, of course.”

“Because you think I’m the type of friend to give away all her secrets?” he asked, clearly offended that I’d even approached him.

“I already know all her secrets,” I reminded him, my voice a vicious snarl. “I’ve loved her since we were in high school. There’s nothing about that girl that I don’t know.”

Conceding that point, he asked, “Then what do you want to talk to me for?”

“Look, I’m not going to give up on us,” I told him. “I’m not going to ever stop trying to get her back. If you want to see her happy, then tell me how to fucking make this work.”

Pierce let out a long-suffering sigh. I knew that he didn’t want to help me or betray Madison, but I also knew that he had to know about last night. Since they were roommates, it stood to reason that he would have noticed her gone all night long and why. Of course, she could have left the details to herself, but I couldn’t see her doing that. Pierce was a safe space for her. Unlike Eris and River, Pierce didn’t know me. He hadn’t been a witness to mine and Madison’s relationship all these years. Pierce was strictly on her side, knowing nothing else but what she’d told him upon meeting him. So, since he would never side with me, I could see Madison spilling her guts to him over her sister and first best friend.

“Follow me,” he instructed as he stood up.

Not saying another word, I followed Pierce past some cubicles, a breakroom, then out onto a balcony of sorts. When I noticed the two benches, a trash can/recycle bin, and the two standing ashtrays on either side of the cemented space, I realized that this must be where the smokers took their breaks. By the letter of the law, this could be considered illegal since you couldn’t smoke so many feet within a building entrance, but I seriously doubted that anyone was contacting the authorities to rat House Marketing out. Besides, it was generalized that artistic developers were an eccentric bunch, so I couldn’t see anyone getting upset if a smoker needed a quick hit.

Leading me to the far end of the smoking area, Pierce leaned back against the railing, and he was a braver man than I was. Unless McKay Engineering designed it, I didn’t trust basic structural design on anything over three stories tall. It hadn’t taken me long before witnessing the dark side of construction, and the love of money really was the root of all evil.

Eyeing me, Pierce said, “I’m not exactly sure how you think I can help your cause. If you know so much about Madison, then you know that the woman has her own mind.”

“Look, I’m not asking you to jump loyalties, Pierce,” I told him. “I just want to know what I’m dealing with. Since Madison robbed me of making things right, I have no idea what she went through or how she’s been feeling all these months. You do.”

“Robbed you?” he echoed darkly. “McKay, you’re not the victim here.”

“I know that,” I snapped.

Letting out another heavy sigh, he said, “Not sure if you know this or not, but I call her Blue. That’s my nickname for her.”

I threw my arms up in frustration. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“When I first met her, I’d never seen someone so fucking sad,” he explained, making my stomach flip with even more regret. “She didn’t run off from Fidelity in an angry rage, Raddix. The woman was the saddest that I’d ever seen, and…and it’d been like a piece of her soul had died somehow. Madison had reminded me of those spouses that lose their loved ones after being married for sixty years. More than sad, she’d been despondent.” Pierce shook his head. “Honestly, until she told me what happened between you two, I thought that she’d been widowed. It wasn’t until her aunt had spilled the beans that I found out that you’d just been an asshole.”

“How long was she sad?”

His hazel eyes widened. “Are you fucking blind or something? The woman’s still sad, Raddix. It’s the only fucking reason that I’m talking to you about any of this.” He shook his head at me like I was stupid, and maybe I was. “It’s the only reason that Madison spent the night with you last night. Her heart is still broken. Even after all this time, she’s still fucking sad.”

“Tell me how to fix it,” I ordered. “I’ll do anything.”

“You’re going about this all wrong,” he said. “Madison spent this last year doing her best to mend that crack in her chest, Raddix. Without you in the picture, she wasn’t able to get the anger out. Madison isn’t the type of person to take her misery out on others, so her anger has remained dormant for all these months. What you’re dealing with now? It’s her finally being able to address her anger at you. Yeah, she’s still sad, but she’s managed to get used to that feeling. Her anger, not so much.”

“So, you’re saying that I just have to let this run its course?” I asked. “Let her go through all the stages of heartache?”

Pierce nodded. “No one ever gets their heartbroken without some anger getting in there, Raddix. When it all comes bubbling up to the surface, no one really cares about the answers; it’s all about the anger. The anger makes you feel like you’re getting your revenge. The anger makes you feel like you’re sticking up for yourself. The anger makes you feel like you’re fighting back against the anguish of your pain. When you can’t do that? When you can’t scream and demand answers? Well, then, you’re left in a pit of sorrow that can consume you if you’re not strong enough to move on from all the unanswered questions.” He let out a third sigh. “Madison is just letting twelve months of anger out. She wants you to hurt as much as she did. She wants you to hurt enough to understand how badly you broke her heart. She doesn’t just want you to know it, because she already knows that you know. She wants you to feel it, Raddix. She wants you to feel her heartache because she’s too angry to care about yours right now.”

Mulling over everything that he said, he made sense, though his logic really wasn’t giving me any answers on how to fix this. I could let Madison’s anger run its course, but what happened after that? Would I get her back? Would she forgive me? Or would she finally be able to walk away from me? That’s the part that I needed to know.

“Why did she sleep with me last night?” I asked. “Do you know?”

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