Page 26 of It's Never Not Been You

“And I’d agree if that’s all that last night was,” he shot back. “However, how can last night just be sex when I love you more than my own fucking life?”

“Raddix-”

“And I know that you still love me, so don’t even bother trying to deny it,” he went on, not lying.

Letting out a shaky breath, I said, “Raddix, we still never…we never even really talked anything out. I’m still hurt.”

“Yeah?” he snapped, not showing me any compassion at all. “And how in the fuck am I supposed to fix that when you won’t let me? How in the fuck am I supposed to help you heal when all you talk about is leaving me again?” He let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah, I’m the one that hurt you. However, be that as it may, we both know that I’m the only one that can make it go away. Time, distance, or even dating other people isn’t going to fix shit.” His eyes were glowing again. “And so help me God, if you even think of dating anyone, you’ll see me in prison before it’s all said and done.”

“Quit threatening me,” I ordered.

“Quit finding excuses to leave me,” he fired back.

“I don’t need to find any excuses,” I practically snarled. “You already provided me with one on our wedding day.”

“Will that do it?” he asked, confusing me.

“What are you talking about?”

“Will letting you throw that in my face for the rest of our lives help you heal?” he answered, making my heart crack down the middle again. “Because if that’s what you need to fix what I did to you, then I’m okay with it. If you need to abuse what I feel for you in order to make your pain go away, then that’s fine with me, too. As long as you’re coming home to me every night, you can treat me and what we have as hatefully as you want to, Madison.” His eyes were like liquid fire. “Having you with me is more important than any pain that you might cause me down the line.”

My eyes began to sting. “I don’t want to cause you any pain, Raddix. I just want to be happy.”

“And you can’t be happy with me? Is that what you really believe?”

With my heart breaking into a million pieces again, I nodded. “That’s what I believe.”

Raddix slid his hands in his pockets. “You know, I’d believe you if you hadn’t melted in my arms last night.” I had nothing to say to that. “I’d believe you if you hadn’t let me touch you everywhere for hours last night. At any time, you could have gotten up to leave, but you hadn’t. Instead, you let me use you like you couldn’t get enough, and you even did your part.”

“Raddix, stop-”

“How many times did you ride my cock last night, Madison?” he asked, throwing my hypocrisy back in my face. “How many times did you beg me for more?” Raddix stepped around my desk until he was standing right in front of me. “How many times could you have left, but didn’t? How many times did you choose to spread your legs for me versus leaving and taking your regret with you?” Pulling his hands out of his pockets, Raddix’s warm palm rested against the side of my neck as he kept recapping all my sins. “How many times did your nails break my skin because you were holding on to me so tightly? You even let me fuck you up the ass, baby.” I choked softly on my humiliation. “You begged for it like you use to always do, so don’t fucking tell me that you can’t be happy with me.”

“It was just good sex,” I whispered, no conviction in my voice.

“Sure, it was,” he scoffed. “And as much as I’d love to prove you wrong by bending you over your desk right now, I get it, Madison. I understand why you’re so mad. I also understand why you want to hang onto your anger, but…baby, that isn’t helping anything. When you’re finally ready to have an honest conversation with yourself, you’ll see that you’re just making things worse.”

I hated how he sounded so confident. I hated how, if there was anyone on the planet that knew me better than I knew myself, it was Raddix McKay. He knew all my strengths and all my weaknesses, and he knew that he was my greatest weakness.

“Christ, you’re such a fucking bastard, Raddix,” I remarked weakly.

“It was the only way I could get through these past twelve months, Madison,” he replied, not denying that he was being horrible about this.

Feeling like we were on a merry-go-round, I said, “I’m at work, Raddix. Now is not the time to try to…talk this out.”

Lowering his hand, Raddix took a step back, giving me some space. “Fair enough,” he relented.

“I just…it’s too much all at once, Raddix,” I told him. “I just need…small doses. Okay?”

He gave me a terse nod. “Okay,” he replied. “Small doses.”

Luckily, he left my office peacefully, leaving me to wonder what in the fuck I was doing.

Chapter 17

Raddix~

Instead of leaving House Marketing, I went in search of Pierce Edleman. I needed to know what Madison had gone through this past year, and I could only get that from him. Not only was Madison too emotional to give me the details, but Pierce would also be able to give me a man’s perspective. It didn’t matter that he was gay; he was still a man.

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