Page 20 of It's Never Not Been You

With his hand back on my waist, Raddix escorted me towards the parking lot and my car. As we walked in silence, I knew that I should back out. I knew that I wasn’t emotionally or mentally strong enough to have this argument back at our place, but if not now, when? Plus, it wasn’t like we could go to my place with Pierce there. Something also told me that the place was going to look exactly the same as it’d had when I’d left.

Raddix was playing dirty.

Still, this had to happen if I had any chance of moving on.

Chapter 13

Raddix~

Since Madison already knew the way, I had chosen to follow her, rather than the other way around. Firstly, it was a safety thing, something that I’d always done whenever we’d had to drive separate cars somewhere. Secondly, if she parked in the driveway out of habit, then I could block her in. Was it childish and borderline illegal? Yes. However, at this point in my life, I didn’t give a fuck.

Like God answering my prayers, Madison pulled into the driveway like she’d done a million times before, and I was right behind her, earning another earful. Granted, in all honesty, if she was surprised by the move, then that was her own fault. I’d been showing her every color of my instability since the day we’d met at House Marketing.

Getting out of the car, Madison was already standing next to hers, shooting daggers my way. “Really, Raddix?”

“What?”

She eyed me like a disappointed parent. “Blocking me in?”

“Did you really expect different?”

Choosing to ignore that, she said, “Let’s just get this over with.”

Carrying our dinner, we walked in silence towards the front door, and I thought it unnecessary to point out that I hadn’t changed the locks. Once we got into the house, she’d know it for herself. I hadn’t change one fucking thing in our home since the day that she’d left me. Everything was exactly the same, the only thing missing or different was the stuff that she’d taken with her.

I turned on the light as soon as we entered the house, and Madison said nothing as she set her purse on the coffee table. I couldn’t imagine how she must be feeling right now, but I’d been torturing myself inside this house for over a year, so I wasn’t feeling exactly charitable towards her at the moment. Regardless of this being all my fault, I still had my own issues to work through.

“Why did you leave?” I finally asked, setting the bag of food down next to her purse. “After fifteen years together, how could you not give me a chance to explain?”

Madison let out a shaky breath. She looked like she wanted to lie, but I also knew that she wouldn’t. Despite running off last year, Madison wasn’t a coward. She’d always been in favor of communication, so that’s why she’d been so hurt by what I’d done.

“I knew that if I had given you a chance to explain, I would have forgiven you,” she confessed. “I knew that you’d apologize, beg forgiveness, then use everything that we’d been to each other to get me to forgive you, and I would have.”

There really wasn’t anything to say to that. She was right on all accounts, and that’s exactly what would have happened. I would have done anything to make her forgive my stupidity, and like now, I would have fought dirty. Madison had been my entire life, and I would have changed the stars in the sky to make her forgive me. Hell, I was trying to do that very thing now.

Sliding my hands into my pockets, so that I didn’t reach for her, I asked, “And why would that have been a bad thing?”

“Because you didn’t deserve my forgiveness,” she practically spat. “You broke my heart, Raddix. You didn’t deserve to…to just be forgiven like you hadn’t shredded me to pieces.”

“What about now?”

Her head jerked a bit in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“After putting me through hell for a year, do you think I deserve your forgiveness now?” I asked, eyeing her, daring her to refute my claim. “After a year of not knowing where you were, who you were with, or if you were ever going to come back…do you think you’ve gotten your pound of flesh, or do you need more?” I took a few steps towards her. “Because if you want to talk about being shredded to pieces, well…I got news for you, Madison. If you wanted me to pay for being stupid, I’ve paid.”

“I didn’t leave for revenge,” she denied. “I left because I would have forgiven you. I would have forgiven you, sticking us in a place that there’d be no escape from.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means that I will never marry a man that I can’t be sure about,” she answered, skewering me again. “So, where would that have left us, Raddix? I would have forgiven you, we would have gone on like normal, and then you would have asked me to marry you again when you were ready, and I would have said no.” My molars almost cracked in half. “Then what? We would have wasted two, five, ten more years together for nothing. Sooner or later, I want kids.”

I felt like I was going to lose my shit. Madison was talking like there could never be a future for us, and I simply couldn’t accept that. While I understood why she would feel unsure about us, that shouldn’t be the case anymore. Now that she knew the reason behind my panic, her reasons no longer held water.

“Well, now that you know the truth, none of that should be a factor anymore,” I told her. “So, start packing your shit, so that you can come back home.”

“I’m not going back to you, Raddix,” she said, and she sounded serious enough to cause a ripple of panic to skip down my spine. “It’s been a year, and just looking at you makes me want to cry.” Madison shook her head. “I’m not signing up for that shit.”

I knew that I wasn’t doing myself any favors here, but I wasn’t going to lie to her. “Madison, I’m not going to let you go,” I said, repeating what I’d already been telling her. “I’m not sure what you were expecting when you came back here, but I’m not going to just let you…I’m not going to just let you live your life without me in it. I nearly lost my fucking mind these past twelve months, so I can’t tell you how bad things can get if you don’t bring your ass back home.”

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