Page 15 of It's Never Not Been You

“Ladies,” I said right before turning and leaving Brooke to demand another explanation, and leaving Madison pissed off as hell.

As soon as I exited the building, I pulled out my phone. When Caspian answered, I said, “I’m having a business dinner with Madison tonight.”

“Shouldn’t you be calling Troy, then?” he snorted. “He’s the lawyer.”

Ignoring that truth, I said, “I feel like I’m losing my mind, Casp.”

My brother let out a heavy sigh. “Where do you need me?”

“Nowhere,” I answered. “I just thought someone should know.”

“Good thing that McKay Engineering has a contingency plan for just this kind of thing,” he replied, and he wasn’t wrong.

Chapter 10

Madison~

After Raddix had left me and Brooke standing in the lobby, I’d been ready to quit on the spot and run back to Coralship. I’d been ready to tuck tail and run. While Brooke had been decent enough not to lecture me about proper work etiquette, I knew that she was worried about losing McKay Engineering’s business, and we both knew that it’d be my fault if we did.

I’d also never seen Raddix like that before. Yeah, I’d seen him angry, frustrated, and upset over the years, but nothing like that. Caspian had claimed that Raddix wasn’t the same person that he’d been a year ago, and I believed it now. However, I still wasn’t sure if I was to blame for this new Raddix McKay. I wasn’t the one that had ruined our wedding date with doubts. Up until the videographer had shown me the soundbite, I hadn’t ever had any doubts about Raddix or our relationship. I’d been all in, and it still hurt to know that he’d hadn’t felt the same way.

There was also no denying that I still loved him, and I hated that more than anything else that was happening. When I had decided to move back to Fidelity, I’d done it knowing that I would probably always love Raddix McKay, but I hadn’t expected to still feel like I’d had a year ago. I had really counted on my heartbreak being strong enough to douse any residual feelings of love, but it was clear how wrong I’d been to place all my hope on that.

“Christ, why do you look like the world is ending?”

I looked up as Pierce walked through the door, so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even heard the door open. “Huh?”

He quietly shut the door behind him, eyeing me as he walked over to sit on the couch with me. “What’s wrong, Blue?” he asked. “You look…honestly, you look like you did when I first met you.”

“That bad?” I laughed, the sound sounding as empty as I felt.

“C’mon, Blue,” he said softly.

“Brooke approved a business dinner with Raddix tonight,” I said, voicing my dilemma. “He dared me to back out, and…and I’m not strong enough not to admit that I’m not thinking about it.”

“Afraid to be alone with him?”

“I never should have come back here,” I replied, instead of answering him. “I should have stayed in Coralship or have chosen somewhere else to start over.”

Pierce eyed me for a second before asking, “What are you afraid of, Madison? I mean, the man’s already broken your heart, right? What more can he do to you?”

The truth was shameful enough that I hesitated to answer. I was afraid of hearing Raddix’s explanation. I didn’t want to hear his reason. I didn’t want to hear him apologize. I wanted my anger to rage with enough strength to keep me from forgiving him still.

Pierce reached out, then squeezed my leg. “Don’t you want closure, Blue?”

I laughed at that.

“Pierce, there’s no such thing as closure,” I told him. “It’s a myth. It’s a fallacy that tricks people into thinking that they’ll finally be able to move on if all their whys are answered, but it’s not true.” I could feel myself getting emotional, and that was just another thing that I could blame Raddix for. “That ‘magical’ answer does nothing but break your heart more. It leads to nothing but regret, Pierce. No answer in the world fixes a heartbreak. Nothing fixes a heartbreak.” I let out a shaky breath, trying to calm myself. “There is nothing that Raddix can say that will undo how I felt that day, Pierce. There is nothing that Raddix can say that will undo these past twelve months. What could he possibly say that will make me feel better about him not wanting to marry me?”

“It’s worth a try,” he replied, seeing that I was close to losing my shit. “Considering that nothing else has helped you get over him, maybe getting some answers finally will. I mean, aren’t you curious?”

“I used to be,” I admitted. “I used to lay awake at night, wondering why he had asked me to marry him if he hadn’t really wanted to get married. Even after fifteen years together, I hadn’t pushed him for marriage. I’d been happy just being with him. That piece of paper hadn’t mattered more to me than our happiness with the way things had been.”

Knowing me well, he asked, “Or is it that you’re afraid his explanation might make you forgive him?” My shoulders sagged in defeat. “Is that what you’re afraid of, Blue? Are you afraid that you still love him enough to forgive him?”

“I’d have to be the biggest fool on the planet to forgive him,” I replied, not answering, though I really didn’t need to; he could see the truth on my face.

Nodding his head solemnly, he asked, “Have you considered that he might just want to apologize?” I blinked at him. “How do you know that he even wants you back, Blue?” Pierce shrugged. “Maybe he just wants to apologize to clear his conscience.”

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