Page 28 of The Alpha's Arranged Bride

He should be doing something more to protect them. Anything.

As he sat there, the same dark thoughts and grief rose to overtake him. It was like a poison spreading through every cell in his body. He’d known a hard life, but he’d trusted in his ability to block it out and overcome it. Breathe through it. There was no breathing through this. That poison soaked into every bit of his skin. It was in his blood, going straight to his heart.

There was no going back.

“Look.” Prairie Rose’s light, lyrical tone cut through the dark in his head, dispelling the fog. “The sun’s coming up.”

He realized he had no idea what time his sons went to school. Where it even was. What time it was. He used to know the exact minute the sun rose and set. He knew what weather was coming for them, what the neighboring packs were doing, what the other alphas were thinking. He’d go over in his head the long list of things to be done that day and the next. He’d outline tasks and duties for his packmates. He knew who would be planting, who was on guard duty, who was training and being trained. He’d never once been apathetic about the boys’ education or the education of any other child in his pack.

“Why don’t we put our coats on and go and watch it on the porch? Wyoming might be cold, but the winter does make for glorious sunrises and sunsets.” She left everything where it was, and the boys scrambled to follow her. “It’s just as nice in the spring, summer, and fall, I guess, but the snow just adds that extra dimension of sparkle. If the trees are frosted over white, it’s really something.”

He could hear them at the front door, donning winter gear. He stood up. Took his plate to the sink. Forced his body to the door, though every step felt brutally weighted. He slid his coat on, marveling at how he’d never stopped to think about how it was a perfect fit before. He’d never wanted to wear it because that meant acknowledging Prairie Rose’s concern and care, and acknowledging meant admitting that he felt a weird warmth in his insides.

His mate was out there with his sons. One small hand clung to each of hers and she stood in the middle, protective, fierce, so lovely that it captivated him. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at the blazing array of colors above. By the way his eyes pricked from the bright snow, the sunrise was bright and glorious, more oranges and yellows than deep purples and pinks.

The birds even sang with the rising sun, little sparrows that twittered away in the branches of the trees closest to the cabins.

The Nightfall Pack territory seemed to have been laid out with some thought, smaller cabins forming streets parallel with one larger one where the alpha and his mate raised their family. Unlike Arizona, he’d heard there were more cabins and houses scattered throughout the extent of the Nightfall land. There was nothing but a barbed wire fence that ran the perimeter of most of the property and not even that existed through the woods. How had they managed to properly defend such a large territory from other packs, other shifters, and against human encroachment and curiosity?

Levi turned and saw him. He broke free of Prairie Rose’s hold and rushed at him. He threw his arms around him and hugged him hard.

Hugs. That wasn’t something his boys were known to do before they’d come here. Before they’d spent time with Prairie Rose and her family.

“If you won’t teach at the school, will you at least walk us there? It doesn’t start for a bit yet. Not until ten. Prairie Rose says that other packs don’t even know there are children here other than her family, because some of them have this rule where only the alpha family is allowed to have kids. But there are lots. Tons.”

So, this pack did have their own secrets that others knew nothing about. It was odd it should be children, but it could have been defense tactics as well. Kieran seemed to rely as heavily on the peace between neighboring packs as he had, the difference being that the bloodshed ended decades ago for them and the resulting peace, no matter how tenuous, was now something the children were born into and grew up with.

He’d wanted just that for his own children and their children.

Just when he thought he was full to capacity with hurt, another stone piled on top of the cairn that encased his body. He’d been nothing but an honest man his whole life, but the effects of honesty could be just as devastating as that of deceit.

“I can’t teach or instruct.” He should have told the boys that immediately. He should have spoken with them before now.

Blake whipped around, yanking Prairie Rose’s arm so that she spun away from the sunrise too. It didn’t stop those early morning rays from painting her gold like an angel.

“Those who can’t do, teach and I can’t even do that anymore.”

She didn’t frown, but her heart was in her eyes, and it was clear that it hurt. It hurt because of him. “If there are no teachers, how will the next generation, or anyone else, ever learn new skills or hear the stories of the past? When our wisemen relay our history through story or perform a ceremony the way it always has been done to keep that tradition alive, they’re teaching. When our parents guide us in right and wrong, they’re teaching us. When we’re shown how to do something new, even if it’s by an older brother or sister or just a friend, they’re our instructors.”

He raised his hands. He felt so ill inside that he trembled with the effort of not puking right there on the snow. “I can’t hold a weapon anymore. I can barely defend myself. I can’t shift.”

Blake and Levi stared at him in horror. They weren’t innocent any longer, not sweet young boys like the children in the Nightfall Pack. They’d known death, blood and violence. He’d never seen them react the way they did at the news that their strong, impenetrable, warrior father, the greatest wolf they knew in their pack, their leader and their guide, was now just a man who was barely living, breathing, with nothing in his heart but darkness and death.

“That’s right. I didn’t just cause the extinction of our pack. I brought about my own ruin and yours as well. I’m your father and you have every right to hate me. You shouldbe ashamed of me.”

“Why?” Levi truly didn’t understand. He looked up at Agnar, craning his head way back, eyes huge and watery. That was something his boys didn’t do either. Cry.

It was fine if they did. They were never going back to Arizona, and up here, people weren’t programmed into becoming killing machines.

Blake had always been more solemn, and Agnar could tell he was chewing on that. He had the kind of mind that was good at math and science. He’d always wanted to know why things were the way they were. It made sense for someone who wanted to be a healer, maybe even train out there in the world to be a doctor. He never forgot what he learned and when he spoke, it was only after he’d decided what he wanted to say.

He clutched Prairie Rose’s hand. Agnar looked at that and not at either of their faces. “We aren’t ashamed of you.” Agnar’s insides turned to ice, blocking out the warm trickle he’d felt looking at that jacket. “You’re still alive. You know you are, but it makes sense why you’re angry and why you want a warrior’s death. You’ve always had fighting and pain as an outlet. It’s always proved you were alive. You had the wolf, and all of us feel the most alive when we’re in that form. You think it’s all gone, but it’s not. You can shift, you just don’t want to because it would hurt the wolf. We can’t go home, but we have a place to stay here. I know you and Mom loved each other because she told me that right before she died. She tried to explain what duty and respect were, how she loved us so much, and that no matter what happened you would be there for us.”

Levi nodded. He hadn’t been a stranger to that conversation either.

Even though it was true, it still knocked Agnar way the hell back. His chest was a minefield. This was his worst nightmare. The aftermath of the end, and he was living it.

Blake kept going, gentle though, squeezing that hand the whole time. “She told us you were a good man. A brave one. Honor is always better than danger and killing. Not everyone has to have blood on their hands to be a warrior.”

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