Page 64 of Love in the Shadows

Johanna wanted the world to know how she felt, but that would create more problems than it solved. “You’re like your father, kind and gentle, and you’re free, Fabienne. No one can take those things away from you because they are a part of who you are. Am I getting brave? It doesn’t feel that way. I’m just doing what I know in my heart is right.”

Fabienne lowered the axe to the ground. “We should celebrate.”

Johanna laughed. “Celebrate what?”

Fabienne went into the kitchen. “It is because of you that Esther is recovering.” She poured them both a glass of wine. “Let’s sit outside.”

They sat side by side on the ground, their backs to the woodshed wall, and looked out over the fields to the pine forest beyond, the cattle-shed on the boundary, the dairy in the far distance. The smell wasn’t like the one Johanna had noticed on her first day at the farm; it was sweet and earthy, even pleasant now. The rumble of metal tracks on the road echoed, and the grass trembled.

“It’s more tranquil without the background noise,” Fabienne said. She smiled, sipped her drink. “We used to have three times the number of cows we have now, ducks and geese. I haven’t seen a wild boar in eighteen months. We have three chickens left and I’m not sure how long they will keep laying.”

Johanna stroked Fabienne’s thigh, leaned into her side, then removed her hand. “We had a large townhouse in Berlin and a house like yours in the countryside on the outskirts. I started playing the piano at four years old. My parents hosted dinner parties frequently and I always played for their guests.”

“You were paraded,” Fabienne said.

Johanna sighed. “Maybe. I think my mother was proud. My father liked having a trophy he could show off. I was schooled at home by Nanny and didn’t have any close friends until I joined the Philharmoniker. I knew Gerhard because our families were close and then we got together when he was at university. I thought I loved him. I cared for him and that seemed to matter more at the time. I started teaching interesting students. They had different opinions and weren’t afraid to voice them. I enjoyed debating. They opened my eyes. I had Ralf when I was twenty-two and continued working, though Gerhard thought I shouldn’t. Then, soon after Astrid was born, Gerhard was promoted and that meant I was ‘advised’ to leave the orchestra. And then, well, then the war started…”

Fabienne held her glass up to Johanna’s. “Well, here’s to the end of the war, whenever it comes.”

They sipped their drinks in unison.

“The summer here is beautiful,” Fabienne said.

Johanna turned her face to the sun, closed her eyes, and savoured the warmth. “I look forward to seeing it.” She felt Fabienne’s soft lips caress hers and opened her eyes.

Fabienne smiled.

“Fabienne, Fabienne, Fabienne.” Nancy ran towards them, puffing. “Come quickly. Esther is in pain.”

Fabienne leapt to her feet and ran indoors. She took the stairs two at a time, and when she reached the bedroom, she heard Esther moan.

Esther was trying to sit up, sweating, panting. “The baby’s coming.”

Nancy jumped up and down, grinning. “The baby’s coming. The baby’s coming.”

Fabienne took Nancy’s hand to still her. “Esther needs some space and calm. Go to your room and stay with Astrid. I will come get you when the baby’s born.”

“I’ll get cloths and water,” Johanna said.

Esther panted and moaned again.

Fabienne scratched her head as she processed her thoughts. Mamie would be back from town in an hour or so, but that might not be soon enough to help if the baby came quickly. “I’ll get the doctor.”

“There’s no time,” Esther said. “I’ve done this before. It won’t be— Arghhh!”

“You stay here with Esther,” Fabienne said. She ran down the stairs, stoked the stove, and put the kettle and two pans of water on to heat. She took a bottle of brandy and a glass to the bedroom. “Will this help?”

Johanna, holding Esther’s hand, laughed.

Esther shook her head and moaned and panted rhythmically.

Fabienne poured a shot and drank it. She needed it, even if Esther didn’t. She collected up the clean towels from the cupboard and set them on the bed. After all the things she’d done in the Resistance, it seemed incongruous that helping a woman give birth was the most frightening experience. How come Johanna seemed calm and in control?

Fabienne paced the room. “Is there anything else I can do?”

Esther eased herself up the bed a little, raised her knees and spread her legs. Johanna positioned herself to receive the baby. Fabienne looked away.

Esther made a sound that Fabienne had heard many times before; the low, deep sound of a cow birthing a calf.

---