Page 74 of Love in the Shadows

She poked at the food around her plate, and, reminded of Fabienne telling her she needed the energy, she ate.

“I’m going to church tomorrow,” she said.

She hadn’t told Fabienne that she planned to go with her on the last trip with the children. She was aware of an increase in the number of soldiers on the streets. Nanny had mentioned it, and Schmidt had complained about the number of vehicles on the roads when going to get rations. Yesterday, Fabienne had been stopped on the morning run to the barracks, and then a second time on the way back home. If Johanna was in the van with her, the soldiers would most likely let them pass without searching the back. And Johanna wanted to see the result of all their hard work, rather than just fill water jugs.

“You haven’t been to church since you got here,” he said.

“I hadn’t lost a son then.” Her retort was sharp, and he twitched and undid the collar of his shirt.

“Schmidt will go with you.” He scratched his neck.

She took a slug of wine. “No, Gerhard, I have arranged to go with Fraulein Brun. She has to collect rations so she can drop me off.”

He slammed his hand on the table. “Johanna, I forbid—”

She held her palm up to him. She’d expected him to react badly and rehearsed her response. “Schmidt is needed here to protect our daughter.” He couldn’t very well argue against that.

“I disagree with you going with the Frenchwoman, but I have more important things to give my attention to. I’m going to bed.” He stood up, dragging the chair, picked up the bottle of wine and his glass, and headed up the stairs.

Johanna cleared away the plates. She didn’t feel ready to go to bed. She went outside and onto the lawn, sat on the swing and stared up at the stars. There was a new wave of popping and crackling tonight, as though the war had reverted. Gerhard had intimated that the allies were advancing, and that whatever the operation was that was happening on Friday, he was sure it would be to Germany’s advantage. Johanna prayed the operation would be stopped by the Resistance, that the allies would continue to advance, and that they would bring a speedy end to the war.

She spotted the red glow to her left, at the side of the house next to the kitchen, the tip of a cigarette being smoked. Fabienne was leaning against the wall, watching her.

Johanna got off the swing and went to her. “What are you doing here?”

Fabienne smiled. “You keep asking me that question. I didn’t want to go to bed yet and I saw you on the swing.” She held out the packet of cigarettes, and Johanna took one.

As Fabienne lit it, there was a thunderous roar and she looked towards the road. “It’s almost as bad as when they first moved through here.”

“Gerhard said they are mounting an offensive. The Americans seem to be having an impact, thank God.”

“I hope the Americans are smashing the shit out of them.” Fabienne drew down, and after a pause blew the smoke skyward. “Can you imagine what it will be like to stargaze when all this is over – no noise, no threat, drinking wine, lying on a rug on the grass? It’s been so long, I can’t even remember what it was like before, with my parents. Not properly. When I think about those times, I can see the picture clearly, but there’s just an emptiness. Not even sadness anymore. Just a void.”

Johanna put her hand on Fabienne’s chest, felt her heartbeat fast and hard. “I will lay on the grass with you, and count the stars with you, and you can tell me about those times with your parents, and I will tell you about mine. We’ll rebuild the parts of us that the war has damaged, and together we’ll be stronger.”

Fabienne smiled. “And what about your husband and daughter?”

She slid her hand to rest on Fabienne’s breast, brushed her thumb across her nipple. Fabienne moaned softly. “My husband and I have lived a lie for long enough. He will not argue against a divorce once the war has ended, and Astrid hates him.”

Fabienne caressed Johanna’s cheek as if she were something precious that might be easily broken, taking Johanna’s breath away. Then she swept the hair that had fallen across Johanna’s face and tucked it behind her ear. Traced a line down her neck, and up the back of her hair. It was exquisite to be touched with such tenderness.

“It is not going to be easy being a German here after the war.”

Johanna loved that Fabienne talked with unwavering confidence about things going back to the way they were. “I will change my identity if I have to,” she said.

Fabienne’s kiss was tender, and over too quickly.

“I had best get back,” Fabienne said.

Johanna watched her walk across the yard, then she finished her cigarette and went to bed. It was going to be an early start and she doubted she would get much sleep, given she was wired about doing the mission and very aroused by Fabienne.

31.

WHEN SHE ARRIVED AT the house from the tunnel, Johanna was waiting in the cellar dressed in a pair of dark trousers, walking boots and a grey shirt. Johanna looked as though she was going on a hike, and it dawned on Fabienne that she had other plans.

“No, no, no.” She shook her head and held her hand up to Johanna. “You are not coming with us.”

Johanna gathered the children around her as if using them as a shield. “Come on, children, let’s go.”

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